Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Less Is More

If you were to talk to someone about what they believed God was calling them to do in their life at any give time, you would assume that they would answer with some great "call to action." You may hear answers like these:
"Oh yes, God is calling me to go on a missions trip to Mexico."
"God is calling me to start a Bible study in my neighborhood."
"I believe that God is calling me to be a Sunday School teacher."
"I am certain that it is God's will for me to work with the homeless people in my community."
Well, not me! Nope, that's not how God is dealing with me right now. I am pretty certain, although it's not how I want it, God is calling me to "CHILL OUT, SLOW DOWN, RELAX, JUST STOP!!!!!"
In a recent sermon, Pastor Tod spoke right to my heart. He talked about the psychological purpose for anxiety. He said it was our bodies way of telling us that we are getting off track. Anxiety's purpose is to lead us back to where we should be. Well, for the last several months, I have been a basket case of anxiety. I have been overwhelmed, overstressed and spread too thin. I have been taking on too much, committing to too many things and trying so hard to be everything to everybody. I thought that if I volunteered for every opportunity that came up to serve other people, that it would be pleasing to God. In the midst of that chaos I have been an impatient mom, a grouchy, nagging wife and a misguided servant of God. I know that's not how God wants it done.
It became clear to me, at 2am on Monday, in the middle of an anxiety attack, that this is not what God wants for me. This is not the life he is calling me to. In prayer on that dark, quiet, tearful morning, I realized that God is simply calling me to "stop!" He wants me to slow down, take a deep breathe, focus my eyes and ears on Him, play, really sit down and play with my kids, attend to my husband, take care of myself, be in the moment, be in His presence, raise a Godly family and quietly listen for his next call.....rather than creating the call for myself.
My whole life I have been an achiever, a driven do-er and leader. And now I really feel like I need to fight the impulse to take on so much. It's really starting to affect who I am in my relationships, especially in my home. It's time to really accept that "less is more."
"Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone: a new life has begun!'" 2 Corinthians 5:17

Saturday, June 23, 2007

His Voice In my 2 Year Old and a Slice of Pizza

I struggle...always....with trying to eat healthy! Will it ever end? I start every day with the same goal to eat nutritious, whole foods. Half of the time I do great. The other half of the time, not so great.

Every morning I pray in the shower. I use that time to invite God into my day, asking for His guidance and assistance in all matters, trying to focus my day in the right direction. This morning I added a little something to my usual dialogue. I asked God to help me stay committed to my desire to eat well and take care of my body. I figured that I'm not doing a very good job of it own my own, maybe I could use a little help.

So, on with my day. Our family is out and about, we stop for a Saturday afternoon lunch at a new Pizzeria in town. I'm hungry! We order a chicken salad and a pizza to share. Taylor, our 2 year old, is in rare form. I spend most of my time marching her outside because she is throwing fits, crawling up on the table, spilling water, and just disrupting the whole establishment! On about our third attempt to come back in and eat quietly, I was able to get in quite a few bites of salad. Before long, Taylor is under the table, bumps her head and starts screaming. This time I grab her, and the diaper bag and tell my husband we'll see him in the car!!! As I sat there in the car waiting, I noticed that I really wasn't hungry anymore and was kinda proud of myself for only having some salad.

After we got the girls home and down for their naps, I found the left over pizza and warmed up the biggest piece I could find. I ate it.

A few minutes later I plopped down on the couch for a little rest. I was feeling all bummed out and disappointed at myself for eating the pizza and blowing my goal....again! I remembered that I had even gone so far as to pray for help with my eating that day....a lot of good that did....

All of a sudden, a thought popped into my mind....what if Taylor's outburst today was God's way of removing me from the situation so that I wouldn't eat the pizza???

Thursday, June 21, 2007

What Happened To Me? (Part 3)

So here I was, craving knowledge about Jesus Christ, not able to read enough, learn enough, discuss enough about him. I was more surprised than anyone! I never would have thought that this would be a topic I would ever find so fascinating, stimulating and satisfying. But I had to be honest, it was really meeting a need inside of me that I didn't even know was there.
Then one day, it dawned on me....I believe this stuff. I have no idea when it happened or how it happened...but all of a sudden, I realized that I was believing without any doubts. I was convinced of the stories, sold on the Scriptures and totally and faithfully committed to Jesus Christ.
I know it sounds so ridiculous and crazy to a person who hasn't yet given this a try, but I promise...THIS IS REAL. This change in my heart is the most real and true thing that I have ever experienced.

Funny, in John 8: 31-32, Jesus said to the people who believed in him, "You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

Jesus promises us that if we remain in his teaching, we will recognize and understand the truth and that truth will set us free. To know Jesus liberates us and gives us freedom because it allows us the opportunity to know God himself. God is pure and holy and is the one good.

This freedom is not as most people would think of it. It's not freedom TO to do whatever we want based on our own feelings and desires. It is the freedom FROM our sinful selves and the opportunity and power and guidance to walk with God himself, the source of all goodness and life.

Jesus is the perfect standard, the source of truth, the reality of all God's promises. He frees us from our slavery to sin, from self-deception. He frees us from the things of this world that control us, dominate us, dictate our actions. He shows us the way to a more fulfilling and fruitful and promising life. He shows us the way to eternal life with God. He shows us how to become the person that God created us to be.

This is the truth and the freedom and the new life that I am living with Jesus Christ.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

What Happened To Me? (Part 2)

In the first weeks of my faith journey I emailed the senior pastor at San Clemente Presbyterian Church. I had gone there a couple of times, liked the atmosphere, but had a lot of questions. At this point, believing in God was still something that I didn't "get" and I certainly wasn't even near comfortable with all the "Jesus Christ talk." I told him a short version of my story, listed off several questions, concerns, and skepticism's and asked what his advice would be to learn a little more. He invited me to come talk with him. Impressive.

So I nervously went to his office with my list of major problems with the faith. We talked, easily, about how I was feeling, what I was afraid of, why I had trouble believing. His advice was simple....keep coming to church, start out by reading the New Testament and get to know who Jesus is, and just try to approach all of this as if you believe it. He asked if he could pray for me, I obliged, we bowed our heads. I can't remember what the prayer was, but I remember that I teared up, that it felt intimate, powerful and special. Looking back on it now, I'm sure that prayer was monumental to the change I experienced in my heart.

So, I did what he suggested. I kept going to church, and I really liked it. I even sang the words to the songs, even though it was really, really awkward at first. I was diligent about reading the Bible, although it was overwhelming and I didn't really "get it." And I read a couple of other great Christian 101 books that he suggested. I kept an open mind, tried to really learn and research and put aside all of my own preconceptions.

Slowly, slowly....I started to really crave more knowledge, I started to look forward to my reading, I started to understand more and "get it." I found myself desperate to know more, starving for more information and answers and finding a peace in my heart that I had truly never known. I was changing, big time!!

Jesus said, "Pay close attention to what you hear. The closer you listen, the more understanding you will be given- and you will receive even more."

Mark 4:24

Stay tuned for more....

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

What Happened To Me? (part 1)

2 years ago, I had no idea what it was like to live the Christian life. I was doing well, living well, was a good and decent person and had no interest in religion. The thought of going church or reading the Bible or talking about Jesus Christ would have made me incredibly uncomfortable.



But here I am today, totally transformed and changed, from the inside out. Sometimes I look back and wonder what the heck happened! I wonder how I got to this point, where it all took place and what happened to all of my questions and doubts and accusations. How am I so sure that I believe in God? When did I even decide to believe in Him? And how did I learn all this stuff that I know about Jesus and the Bible? How in the world is it that I am certain that He is my Lord, my Savior, my King? How, How, How am I even saying those words without rolling my eyes? Why am I so eager to go to church, to be in Bible study, to be in prayer? Why do I want to listen to Christian radio and worship music? Am I really wearing a cross around my neck?
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?



I think that we are all built with that piece of us that is missing, that hole in our heart that is longing to be filled. I think that we are all made to search for our purpose, our reason, the answer about the truth of this life.

I believe, with my whole heart, that I have found "the truth."

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Happy Father's Day


To Mark, my husband, my very best friend, my perfect balance.....
You are the most amazing father. Thank you for working so hard, without complaints, to provide for our family. We feel so safe and taken care of. Thank you for being so loving and gentle. You are so great at showing and expressing your love. Thank you for the time you spend with our daughters. I love to watch you play and laugh and dance and sing with our girls. You are setting a high and important standard for our daughters for the type of man that they will someday choose. Our girls adore you and trust you and admire you. Thank you for being so supportive and understanding of my role, of my challenges, and for helping me to be a better mom. Thank you for your commitment to our marriage, to our friendship, to our journey as a family. I love you so much and it's been a joy to watch you grow into such a great dad. I thank God for you everyday.
Always, Me

Friday, June 15, 2007

A Challenge: Practice The Golden Rule

If you were to spend a day with our family, you would inevitably see me put our 3 1/2 year old, precious, daughter in a time out. (at least once!) She is usually escorted over to her "time out spot" in the dining room after she has been physically rough with her younger sister. After a couple of minutes I come back and join her. I sit with her on the ground, face to face, and I ask her...."Katelyn, do you know why I put you in time out?" She almost always does!! Then I ask, "What is the Golden Rule?" And She answers, "Treat others you want to be treated." (so cute!) I then discuss with her how her actions might have made someone feel and how they would make her feel if they had been done to her. She seems to get it and I am hopeful that I am on my way to raising a compassionate and thoughtful young woman.
Jesus taught us in Matthew 7:12 to "Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you."
Everyone is familiar with the Golden Rule, right? But really, I think it is brilliant! Can you imagine what this world would be like if everyone truly took part in this philosophy? This could be a great way of bringing about much needed peace and harmony. It's elementary....but perfect. Jesus was so right on here. (and everywhere!)
Here's a challenge....practice the Golden Rule and see what a difference it makes. I have been trying it and am astonished with the results. I am hoping to "be the change that I want to see in the world." I am making a point to say a friendly hello to the stranger I walk by on the street. I am enthusiastically thanking the clerk who helps me at the store. I am trying to compliment the woman standing next to me in line on her blouse. I am trying to send thoughtful notes to old friends. I am trying to reach out to neighbors in need. I am trying to offer help to someone I know wont ask for it. I am desperately trying to be the person that I would want someone to be to me. It's a joy to see how simple acts of heartfelt kindess make a difference to a person.
I have been blessed by God. I feel so lucky. I feel so alive. Maybe the person next to me isn't in that same happy place. I hope that my simple hello or thank you or genuine smile or compliment or helpful gesture will be just what that person needs to turn their day around. Maybe I can be what lifts their spirits. Maybe then, they can do it for someone else. Imagine the possibilities.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Stay-At-Home.....Moms

Right around the time of Mother's Day, Salary.com released an article that told what they had concluded a Stay-At-Home Mom would make in 2007.....if she were to receive a paycheck. They based the salary on the hours per week that a stay-at-home mom spends on the following jobs: housekeeper, day care center teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, CEO and psychologist.
I went to Salary.com and was able to personalize my own salary based on the ages of my children and where I live. They concluded that I would be paid $152,896. I have to admit that I am smiling as I sit here and type this. I feel proud and validated. It's nice to know that people understand and acknowledge the amount of work that it takes to stay at home and take care of your house and family.
Now, if only I could remember how valuable I am. I know that the sacrifices that I am making and the time and energy that I am putting into raising my family is monumentally important, but sometimes it's so hard. The money is tight, sooooo tight on one income, the job is never ending and I get so overwhelmed. I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job. I feel like I should be better, more patient, more focused, more organized, more everything. But it's so hard and soon I realize that I've started just going through the motions, letting the days "happen" to me, getting caught up in the schedules and activities and errands. And just when I've had all I can take, I have a morning like I did today.
I made a point to really slow it down for the girls and I this morning. And after we hung out at the pool for awhile, we came home, had a nutritious lunch together and then we just chilled. And during that down time, I got to dance with my daughters, take pictures of them holding hands and spinning, spend time talking while together we cleaned up the play room and just "be" with them.
I forget, all too often, that being a stay-at-home mom isn't always about all the different jobs I do and the checks on my to-do list. But more often it should be about the time, the down time, the quality time, the once in a lifetime, that I get to spend with my kids.


Check out http://www.mom.salary.com/

Monday, June 11, 2007

Testimony

http://www.scpres.org/app/w_page.php?id=28&type=section

This link will take you directly to my church's (San Clemente Presbyterian Church) For Love of God and Neighbor Capital Campaign video. The whole video is well worth the 16 minutes it takes to watch. It shows the type of community I am priveleged to belong to and tells of the vision of our church family.
At about 9 min and 30 sec, I give my personal testimony.

Our Early Morning Sing Along

I took my girls and our dog for our usual power walk this morning. We were off and running at about 8:00am, the girls all snuggled up in the jogging stroller. It's such a great way to start off the week.
Katelyn, my 3 1/2 year old began to serenade us as we walked. She was rattling off a bunch of songs that she has learned at preschool. Starting with "God Bless America", to "Thank You For This Snack", to "Jesus Loves Me." Now, let it be known that Miss Katelyn is not shy about her singing, and she really likes to get it out as loudly as she can, which we usually will lovingly enjoy and encourage. I am sad to say that this morning, for a brief moment, I felt a little different about her performance.
We were coming around a corner, and there was a woman stopped there while her dog was going potty. Katelyn was proudly belting out "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so..." and she was so adorably doing the little signs that go with it. I felt myself get all freaked out and worried about what this woman would think. Maybe she didn't believe in Jesus. Maybe she would be offended by Katelyn's singing that song. Maybe I should quiet Katelyn down and ask her to stop.
That is so sad on so many levels. First, what a shame that I would be afraid to offend someone with my daughter's proud and beautiful singing about our Lord, who was surely smiling on while He heard her singing it. And it would have been awful to make her feel embarrassed or guarded or not free to just sing freely and proudly. And how unfortunate it would have been for me to demonstrate for my childrenhow we are to be ashamed about publicly yet politely sharing our faith.
I am happy to report that those feelings of of embarrassment only lasted a moment, and instead I found the courage to proudly sing along with her.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

My Perfect Prescription

I don't know if I'm the only one that feels this way. (I suppose it's highly likely!) I am constantly disappointed with myself. As my husband so frequently reminds me, "Kim, you are your own worst enemy!" He is so right, I am. I am so hard on myself, so critical, so judgemental. I hold myself to such a high standard, expect a lot, and come down very hard when I don't meet my own expectations. It's crazy, this I know, but it's true.

The saddest part about this cycle is that I keep visiting the same issues, over and over and over. Really, they are the same ones!!! I find myself always setting goals for myself in the following areas:

1. Eat healthy

2. Exercise

3. Cut back on spending

4. Slow down, simplify, don't spread self too thin= spend QUALITY time with the kids

5. (over the last 2 years) Daily quiet time with God, reading Bible and in prayer

When I do those things for a substantial period of time, I feel awesome! I feel empowered and balanced and healthy in body and mind. The great feelings are positive reinforcement to stay the course and it's a wonderful cycle.

Then....I slip up on one thing, and then I get lazy in another area, and before I know it I feel like I have lost it in all areas and my life is a mess. It's kind of creepy how they all seem so connected. It's all or nothing. I am either "in control" or "out of control." And then the disappointment sets in, and I find myself in a short spell of disgust and self loathing......until I reset the SAME goals and try again.

And so, the prescription for my balanced life is easy to identify, but so hard for me to follow. How am I letting enriched carbs, laziness, frivilous spending, a hectic calendar and excuses for time away from God make me so sick???

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Coincidence?

To make a VERY long story short....
I have been working very hard over the last several months to get a children's story, that I wrote, published. I spend any and all free time on this project. After much research and deliberation, my husband and I were moving in the direction of self publishing. And after many hours of time and dedication, we found ourselves at the "fork in the road" where the big decisions had to be made. And the biggest decision was about the huge amount of money that we would have to invest upfront. This put a damper on the dream and excitement. We just don't have the money to put into this right now. I was left questioning if we should move forward with the publishing at all.
And so I found myself back to where I started from with the project....in prayer. I realized that somewhere along the way I had removed God from the equation and was making all decisions on my own without council. And so I came back and asked God for His guidance, for His help, to let me know what he wanted me to do, to show me which direction he wanted me to go. I wanted this whole venture to be about Him from the beginning, to help to spread his message, to help to fulfill His purpose and plan for my life. Through my time in prayer I realized that this project had taken on a life of it's own, and that my pride and ego were starting to get in the way, and my stress and anxiety level were on an up rise. I was getting overwhelmed and spread too thin and feeling like my overall mood as a mother and wife were being affected. I began to ask God if this book was even something that he wanted me to do at all anymore.....
And the next day I started to get severe abdominal pains....that lasted several days....and I ended up in the ER with a ruptured ovarian cyst.
God??? Are you trying to tell me something??? Did I miss your voice the first few times you tried to tell me to slow it down? Was this the only way you could get me to chill out for a few days?
I wonder, is there such thing as a coincidence when you are asking for God's divine intervention? And I wonder, now, what am I to do? How do I know what God wants for my life? How do I know what is the right decision to make in regards to this book? And how do I know if something was just a coincidence....or if it was a "Godincidence?"

Saturday, June 2, 2007

If Only I Could Have Chanel Sunglasses

My family went to a 3 year old birthday party this afternoon. I saw a young woman there, who I met some 10 years ago. She was with her husband and her two young boys. She looked amazing. She had on this really cute, stylish sundress, a beautiful red sweater over it, a pretty necklace with matching earrings, nice high heeled shoes and these obviously expensive Chanel sunglasses. She was fit and well put together and looked rich and happy. She was talking about the brand new house that they had just had custom built and her husband was in conversation about the small vineyard they were growing on all their acreage.

I thought to myself, "Darn it! This girl has got it made. It must be nice!! I wish I could have a ton of money, and dress so cute, and have a huge home and wear really expensive sunglasses. Surely, if I had all of that, I would be so happy!" It doesn't take me but a few moments to get all caught up in this stuff. I start feeling insecure, inadequate, jealous and unsatisfied.

Over the course of the next couple of hours, I chatted a bit with this gal and the truth began to unfold. She was constantly bummed out with her husband and his lack of involvement with the kids, they were feeling stressed over the finances, she is angry that she has to continue to work full time to help make the huge mortgage payments and she is overwhelmed at the task of raising two young kids. In a kind of sick and twisted way I was cheering on the inside..."Yes! She's normal!" And honestly, at this point, my life was looking so good.

It is dangerously easy for me to get caught up in that shallow, envious, resentful trap. I know in my heart that material possessions will never make me happy for long. I know that if I allow myself to get caught up in that, I will surely lose. I know that I will never have enough, that I will always want some "thing" more and that once I attain that "thing" happiness will be short lived and I'll be desiring some "thing" else. I realize that the longing for material things to make me happy, to fill a void, to gain respect doesn't work....and it's down right toxic.

I was disappointed in my momentary state of desire today. I have come so far with this issue. Over the last several months I had sort of jumped off the "merry-go-round of material want." I had found a quiet peacefulness in the deliberate choice to just remove myself from that way of living. I have simplified and cut back and re prioritized. I have chosen to be filled up in much more meaningful and lasting ways. I have started to notice more how much I have, how blessed I am truly am and how little else I really need. I guess today I relearned something really important...Chanel sunglasses do not bring lasting happiness.