INSPIRE

Manna

2009-05-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

"Then the Lord said t Moses, "Look, I'm going to rain down food from heaven for you. Each day the people can go out and pick up as much food as they need for that day. I will test them in this to see whether or not they will follow my instructions."
Exodus 16:4

I have been feeling so overwhelmed in my job at Acres of Love. There are so may things that I want to do, so many ways in which I want to share the story of what we are doing to rescue AIDS orphans in South Africa, so many campaigns I want to kick off in order to bring in funding to support the children in our care. But, it's all so big and consuming and I feel paralyzed, trapped, insignificant, powerless. I feel sometimes like although my intentions are good, I am doing nothing worthwhile.
Lately I have been trying to focus on the present, on each day as it is given to me. I have been praying in the morning that I would sincerely have an attitude that is thankful for just that day, that is open to God's leading in each moment, that will walk through every door that is opened for me, that I will take advantage of each opportunity that presents itself. I am trying to rely on God to give me just what I need to get through the day ahead, learning more to trust and obey, be intentional and deliberate.
I like the idea of "Manna." For the Israelites the manna was a gift-it came every day and was just what they needed. Christ is out daily bread who satisfies our eternal, spiritual need.

Simply True

2009-01-15T11:24:00.000-08:00

Your kindess Lord, leads us to repentance
Your favor Lord, is our desire
Your mercy Lord, makes us bow in reverance
And your love, your love, is better than life

Not sure who sings this song, or if the lyrics are perfectly correct, but these words have been ringing in my head for about a week. I believe this to be true and am thankful for the simplicity and accuracy of the words.

My Life Is Good

2008-11-16T06:49:00.000-08:00

Several times a day I find myself shaking my head in amazement. I am living a life I never dreamed I would have.
After denying God for nearly 30 years, I can't believe that He so readily took me in, spent so much time and energy on me, shedding light on the dark places in my life, teaching me and allowing me to partner with Him to do the work I am doing.
This life is beyond my wildest dreams! And the funny thing is, my life is more simple and boring these days. By the worlds standards my life doesn't look too exciting or full or rich. But I have never been more filled with joy, or true peace, or purpose.
My focus is on three things, keeping my eyes on God and following Him, taking good care of my husband and children and being a voice and advocate for AIDS orphans in South Africa. When I am in this "zone," I feel amazing. This is what works for me, this is the life I was meant to have, this is where I find deep fulfillment, where I feel like I am literally in the presence of God. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude that God is using me, that I get to work for Acres of Love and use my life to do something so important and real and lasting. I can't believe that on a daily basis I get to educate people on the AIDS pandemic in Africa, I get to share the Word of God and encourage people in their faith, I get to come alongside strangers and help them to find their calling in life, I get to mobilize groups to engage in this cause and make a difference in the lives of desperate children on the other side of the world, I get to personally contribute my money to support 8 kids in South Africa, I get to be an example to my daughters of a life given over to God for His purpose and glory, I get to inspire my husband to live more sacrificially and to encourage Him in his faith journey, I get to be a living, breathing example of a life that is literally changed because of the transforming grace and love of God. I can't believe who and where I am today, I would have never imagined I would get to have a life this good.
Thank you God for your many blessings in my life. I pray that I continue to keep my eyes on you, surrendering to your plan for my life, relying on your lead, submitting to your greater purpose. May I find this joy and peace in you even if life changes, even if tragedy strikes, even if things get difficult. May I celebrate my life in all circumstances, knowing that it's all in your hands and that being in your presence is right where I need to be.

Embrace the Uncomfortable

2008-10-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

I am still struggling with my transition back into my comfy, abundant, over indulgent Southern California life. I am still struggling to sleep through a full night without nightmares and visions of children living alone in the streets of South Africa. My head is in a constant state of "BUZZ" as I am forever trying to come up with new ways to fundraise, new campaigns to kick off, more ways to personally give my own money so that I can support the children at Acres of Love and get more AIDS orphans into the loving arms of our organization. I am exhausted, emotionally drained, burdened and a total wreck. Everything I think about comes back to the children in Africa, everything! As I go for a morning run, I think about how lucky I am to live in a safe place and how blessed I am to have a healthy and able body. As I eat a meal, I think about the hungry kids without parents, killing bugs and feeding them to their younger siblings to survive. As I snuggle up to my daughters, I think about the poor kids who just want to be held, protected, loved by their parents who have suffered and died in front of their eyes. As I pray for the safety of my kids 100 times a day, I think about the children in Africa who have been left alone to fend for themselves, who are being preyed upon and abused, who are scared and frightened. As I consider spending money on something as simple as a cup of coffee, I decide not to because it's frivolous and unnecessary and that money could be used to feed a child for a day or put towards supporting a home full of kids at Acres of Love. EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT!!!
But this burden that I am carrying is a small price to pay to be able to make a difference for those kids over there who are carrying a much larger burden. What do I have to complain about? I have decided to embrace the uncomfortable, to welcome the feeling of my heart being broken, to sit with this anguish, because only then will I continue to be motivated to move to action.
When we feel like we have been called by God to do something that we just can't handle, when we feel like God's vision for our lives is impossible...then we have to completely depend on Him and that is exactly where He wants and needs us. We need to pushed into the uncomfortable position that forces us to throw up our hands and say "God, I know you want me to do this, but it's just too big for me, I can't do it without you. I need you to do it through me!"
John 15:5 "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing."

Make It Go Away

2008-10-17T08:25:00.000-07:00

This memory, this image, of this child laying in the dirt in Soweto has become the single most motivating call to action from my trip to South Africa. For some reason, the image of this child is literally burned into my mind and I know that I wont soon forget it. This child was at the local Day Care Center. This child is considered a lucky one. This child has an adult that takes responsibility for it, that drops it off somewhere in the morning, that makes sure it has supervision throughout the day. There are millions of other children in Africa that are wandering the streets, abandoned, orphaned because their parents have died from AIDS, they are alone, hungry, tired, vulnerable, scared, desperate. This child is lucky, by Africa's standards. By my standards, not so much. I can't stand that the child, maybe 12 months old, just laid in that same spot in the dirt for the hour that we were in that area. How many babies that age do you know that just lay there, still, lethargic? Those care givers next to the baby, they are not the slightest bit interested in the 30 kids that are in their care at that center. They are not doting on the kids, stimulating them, protecting them, teaching them, loving on them. If this is a lucky child, how can I sleep at night as I imagine what is happening to the unlucky ones? I can't. I am struggling, I am heart broken, I am angry and frustrated. How can I just sit in my comfortable life, enjoying my security and abundance and go on like this isn't happening? I am responsible for those kids. I know that they are there, today, at this moment, hungry, frightened, mourning the loss of their parents or caring for them as they waste away, they are sick themselves, in pain, in agony, living in hell. How can I be here? How can let this happen? How can I not move and give and serve and help? I feel so guilty and ashamed. I feel sick to my stomach. I wish those images, that reality, the things that I now know would just go away. But they wont, and I know the truth, I am so heavily burdened with all of this. Again, I am incredibly uncomfortable, but know that this is where God needs me so that I will be moved to action for Him, to help save the children that His heart breaks for even more than mine. So now what?

Calling, Conviction, Choices, Fear

2008-10-15T13:51:00.000-07:00

There are a few very clear things that I believe God wants me to do now that I have been to South Africa. I have seen with my own eyes and felt in my own heart the desperation of the voiceless children who are suffering from the effects of poverty and AIDS in their nation....and the difference that love and hope can make in the life of a child through God's faithful servants at Acres of Love. Here is what God is currently calling me to do:
1. Give my own money monthly to help support the Bridges Forever Home.
2. Set aside money every week out of my personal budget to enable me to travel back to South Africa.
3. Begin the process to adopt a child from South Africa.
The problem with all of these things is that they require money, and the adoption requires a lot of money. We don't have any! Our financial situation at present does not put us in the position to do any of these things. However, I am clinging to what Gerda told me back in South Africa..."When God calls you to something...just start!"
I don't have to have everything figured out, or have all of the money lined up. I just have to respond to God's call, move forward in obedience, one step at a time, and trust that as the Lord wants, He will provide. I have to whole heatedly commit to the Lord that whatever He gives to me, I will then give back to Him.
Jesus tells us in Luke 12 "And don't be concerned about what to eat or drink. Don't worry about such things. These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and He will give you everything you need."
On the other hand, I personally have to make difficult decisions, several times a day, about how I will choose to spend my money. Because if I CHOOSE to buy some cute earrings that really are not in my budget, then I am CHOOSING to not put my money where the Lord has asked me to. If I CHOOSE to withhold my money here or there, so that I can buy things for myself, or make myself more comfortable, then I am CHOOSING not to help those children in South Africa that need me. It's really that simple.
I look around my house and I see so many THINGS. Now everything has a price tag on it. All this STUFF could be a meal, medicine, a home for a child who has been left all alone, to wander the streets and fight for their life. Just because we live in this "bubble," just because we are a half a world away from those desperate children, just because we are not seeing them in front of our faces doesn't mean that they are not there, still needing us to help them. My traveling there and witnessing the tragedies was not just some "experience" that I got to have, because those kids that I saw with my eyes are still there today, still in that situation, still hungry, still scared, still alone. I would go to the ends of the earth and back to make sure that my own daughters didn't have to live like those kids do, why wont I do the same for them? They don't have parents anymore to protect them, to provide for them, to love and hold and nurture them. Those kids are no different than mine, they deserve everything that I would do for my children. If I don't do it for them who will?
I feel so convicted, so guilty, so ashamed. I realize that I am already doing a lot and helping in many ways. But the truth is that I know I am capable of doing more. God has spoken very clearly to me and put these things in my heart and told me that there is a new way and different way that he wants me to live. I know that I need to do more. I can see those children right in front of me, desperate, needy. I know that I can do more than I am doing to make more of a difference in their lives. Why am I not? What am I so darn afraid of? Why am I clinging so tightly to the things of this world and this culture? Why can't I just completely let go and trust God and follow where He wants to take me?

Stay Uncomfortable

2008-10-14T14:31:00.000-07:00

Journal entry from Sept 28, 7:09am, room at Grace Hotel
This is the day we came here for. This is what all the praying and planning and preparing was for. Today Lisa and I will get to spend several hours with the kids at the Bridges Forever Home...Because we have fallen in love with these kids we have committed to raise $45,000 this year to pay for their Basic Needs, Health Care and School Tuition. We have been praying for these kids and their house mom, admiring their pictures all over our houses, talking about them, imagining what it would be like to know them, and today we will.

Journal entry from Sept 28, 9:32am, Dining Room at Grace Hotel
As Beth talks to the group about the kids we will meet, I feel inadequate and wonder how I will ever be able to muster up the energy and skills to be of any help to this organization...She talks about an 8 year old boy and his 3 year old sister who were found living under a bridge. He would find and kill "ho ho's" (bugs) and feed them to his sister. For awhile after they moved into Acres of Love, they would find bugs in his pockets and in his bed. He was afraid that they wouldn't eat and that he would need them for his sister...a lot of these kids were adults before they were kids. One girl was "mom" to her three younger siblings. Her newborn sister died in her arms of starvation. One two year old girl they rescued already knew how to fetch water, boil it and make rice...the kids stories of their past don't match who they are today...Lord, equip me!...My heart is breaking...I want to love these kids...compassion means to suffer with....compassion moves to action.

Journal entry from Sept 28, 2:39pm, Lunch
Just left Bridges Home. I am angry, annoyed, irritated. I want to go home. I can't take this. What Lord? What? What? What am I supposed to do? What? What? Tell me. Tell me.

Journal entry from Sept 28, 9:35pm, Bed at Grace Hotel
How do I put into words all of the emotions that I am managing? My heart literally hurts, feels broken. I feel like I have been exposed to a world that I cannot walk away from. How can I go on in my life with that I have now seen and witnessed? The scenes of those poor children in Soweto have been permanently tattooed on my mind and heart and that will be the reality that I now operate from. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing will look the same, feel the same, taste the same. This is real, I have seen it and I can't go on like I haven't. To live like I have been would be like walking by and stepping over that child, lying in the dirt. Gerda says, "Stay uncomfortable!" She says from that feeling, of having a broken heart for the things that breaks God's heart, we can truly be used. I am, I am so uncomfortable. I am frustrated and I feel trapped. I want to help, to save those kids, to be useful. I have gotten to the point where I feel ready to go "all in" with God. I want to really unclench my fists and let go of all that I am clinging on to that keeps me from really committing 110% to what God wants from my life. But I am so scared about what that will mean. I fear what God will want me to do. But what am I afraid of? What could I possibly lose? If I really believe in God, really, than why can't I trust Him? Why is my faith in Him so weak? I need to rely on God. I need to stop thinking that I can solve everything, do everything, fix everything. I need to get plugged into the real source, relying on God in every moment, for everything, for my strength, to be used.
"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Just Start

2008-10-07T13:28:00.000-07:00

On the second day of our time in South Africa we started the day with a lovely breakfast in the dining room at the hotel. We were briefed on how Acres of Love works and told the full story of the organizations founding from the founder, Gerda. She told us about how she and her husband got the call from God to take in the first few AIDS orphans, how He made it clear they were to provide these kids with the same love, care, potential, opportunity that they would their own children, treating them no different, sparing no expense. She gives full credit to God for the success of Acres of Love and the 20 homes it now operates. She told us about the many miracles that they have witnessed in the children, about the strict mandate from God to press on and grow the organization and have faith that He would provide all they needed to care for the kids. What a blessing to hear her story and feel her deep passion.
From there we got to spend a couple of hours at the Acres of Love preschool with about 20 kids. They came running outside to see us, so outgoing and friendly, grabbing our hands, leading us to the jungle gym, sand box and swings. I was amazed at how gorgeous, joyful, secure, and trusting they were. They were healthy and happy and hopeful. What a drastic difference from the children we had seen just the day before in Soweto. How lucky these children were to be placed in the care of Acres of Love after the trauma and devastation their little lives had already endured. It was such an exhilarating time to be in their presence, to play, to laugh, to enjoy their very life with them. From there we went to an ice cream party in the park with about 50 other Acres of Love kids and had a blast with them. It was incredible to watch them all interact, the older ones looking after the younger ones, holding them, making sure they got a bowl of ice cream. They were running and climbing and laughing and playing until the very last minute. I couldn't help but remember, as I looked at them, where they had all come from, what they had been through, how much they had lost. Now they were safe, happy, healthy, playing, eating ice cream. Such simple things that we and our children take for granted, but that these kids claim as a victory.
From my hotel room that night I reflected on the day as I journal ed. It was a happy day. I smiled and laughed a lot. I felt alive and hopeful and grateful and honored to be with those kids. I felt very much aware of the contrast between the two worlds I had already seen during the short time I was there. My heart couldn't help but still ache for the kids that I had seen the day before in Soweto. There were images burned into my memory that I wished I could just get rid of, ones that I know will haunt me forever. I felt a deep sadness and desperation. My heart was aching and my mind racing over what I could do, how I could help, ways I could change the situation for those helpless kids. Then I would feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of the problem and feel defeated, inadequate, small.
I remembered something that Gerda had said that morning. When she and her husband got the call from God to open a home for orphans, they too could have felt too small, too inadequate to do anything meaningful to solve the orphan problem in South Africa. They could have just thrown their hands up, said "forget it, there is no way we can make a different!" But they clung to a quote that they had read in a book called "Acres of Diamonds." It told her that "if God calls you to do something...just start!"

Heart Break

2008-10-05T03:38:00.000-07:00

Journal entry on Sept 25th, 7:20pm, The Grace Hotel
" We went to Soweto today...South West Township. There are an estimated 3 million people living in total poverty and helplessness. We walked down one dirt road with shacks lining the way and stretching out as far as I could see. the children ran among us, so dirty, mostly barefoot, asking for food or money. They were friendly, playful, touchy. I held hands with a number of them as we walked along. I took pictures with them and of them. They love to see their picture in the digital camera! They were beautiful and precious and fun. I wondered how many of them were HIV positive, if they still had parents or if they were orphans, if they were starving, if they were being abused, if they were tired, scared, broken. What are their lives really like? Are they eating, resting well, being protected and loved and nurtured? Where are they now I write from this luxurious, comfortable hotel room? Are they all alone tonight? Are they in a a little dirt shack with no electricity or running water, sleeping on the dirt floor, prey to some sick predator? Are they watching their parents die from AIDS? Are they sick themselves, in pain, afraid, alone?"

After that emotionally difficult day, seeing the hopelessness of the children in Soweto, I woke up many times throughout the night. My mind would immediately start racing over all the images I had seen of dirty kids with bare feet and runny noses, of babies in a "Day Care Center" laying on the dirt floor, lethargic. It was almost too much to bare. My heart felt like it was literally breaking inside of me and I couldn't stand it. These images were now permanently there in my mind, I couldn't get rid of them. I almost wished I hadn't seen what I had because it felt like my heart just couldn't take it. I began thinking about my own children, about all that I would do to prevent them for ever having to live a life like this. How is this fair? How can this happen? How can we sit by and allow all these precious innocent, victimized children to live like this. They are experiencing pain and sadness and fear and desperation, and they shouldn't have to. What are we, as fellow human beings, doing? We are guilty of allowing this to happen to them if we are not a part of the solution to solve it for them. How can we just let it go on, turning our heads the other way because the problem is too big or the solution is too inconvenient. They may be far away from us, but it's still happening, it's still real, their pain and suffering continues and we just step over them as we go about our lives. What is this life for? Why are we here? Why are we so blessed? How can we share what we have with those who do not have? If we are Christians, are we acting accordingly? Are we being the "body of Christ" to these children? Are we using the minds and hearts and arms and legs that God gave us to reach out and be the answer to some ones desperate prayers? Or are we sitting still, hoarding, clinging, ignoring, choosing to allow this to happen?

Unpacking from South Africa

2008-10-04T05:40:00.000-07:00

Not only am I unpacking all the "stuff" from my trip to South Africa, but I am also unpacking all the things that the Lord taught me during my travels. I am guessing that this process will take a long time. How can I ever fully process all that I saw with my eyes, all that I learned, all that I felt in my heart and all that I heard the voice of God telling me along the way? I spent so much time writing in my journal during my trip, as I didn't want to forget anything that I was feeling and learning and experiencing. I plan to take my time "unpacking" and sorting out all of that in the coming weeks.

Journal entry from Sept 24th, 8:17pm, layover in London
"Getting ready to take off for the last leg of our journey to South Africa. Leaving Mark and the girls was heart wrenching, but I prayed diligently through it all. The vulnerability and fragility that I felt leaving them behind reminded me of how I felt nearly 3 years ago as I begged God to spare my life from my hospital bed. You realize how truly helpless, out of control, small you are. It's a humbling thing to be weeping, on your knees, before the throne of God, begging him to keep you safe. The thought that I could very well lose my life on this trip haunts me still. If that were to happen, all I could ask for Katelyn and Taylor is that they be raised to know, love and serve the Lord. That's all I want for them. For in Christ, they will find themselves, love and value themselves and find their proper place and purpose in this world. I have. For today, it's to trust God's call to travel to South Africa, to serve the AIDS orphans and to be open and waiting for God's next call."

This was the first important lesson for me...TRUST. I was so scared to make this trip, afraid that something would happen to me. But yet I was certain that God had called me to go, and so I had to act in obedience and trust that God would protect me, provide for me, guide me and return me safely home. It's hard to turn that control over, but if we believe in God as we say we do, then we have to be willing to take a huge step out and risk being uncomfortable and believe that ultimately we are not in control. We can't live our lives in fear, in bondage, trying to keep ourselves safe and comfortable. God is who He says He is and I had to trust that He would protect me for this assignment that He had called me to.

"Don't be afraid for I am with you. Don't be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you."
Isaiah 41:10

Journal entry from Sept 25th, 1:15pm, Lobby at Grace Hotel in Rosebank
"We were greeted at the airport by Beth.. Beth invited me to go to a prayer meeting attended by all of the Acres of Love house parents. I was honored and delighted. We drove through Johannesburg and Alexandra and to a small church. We walked in, everyone was standing, praying and they soon broke out in the most beautiful african singing, they clapped, swayed, stomped and lifted their loud, gorgeous voices to the Lord. I wept in their presence. This was quite an extraordinary welcome to South Africa, to Acres of Love, on the ground level. It was like a dream...They proceeded on with more singing, 2 amazing testimonies from house moms of the miracles they have witnessed in the children as a result of fervent prayer. Then they prayed again, everyone standing, some walking around the room, some raising their arms up in the air. They were shouting, speaking in all different languages, all calling out to Jesus. It was incredible to see how invested these people were in the children and in God. They pour themselves out for these kids. THEY SAID MORE THAN A FEW TIMES THAT THE ONLY WAY THEY ARE ABLE TO PRESS ON EVERYDAY IS BECAUSE THEY PRAY AND THEY DON'T RELY ON THEIR OWN STRENGTH BUT ON GOD'S."

This would the second, and overarching lesson that I learned. This AIDS pandemic is huge, the suffering in South Africa is overwhelming and I felt over and over that I was too small for something this big. I found myself riddled with feelings of helplessness and doubt and defeat. What could I, little old me, do to make a bit of difference in this huge problem? And yet, I kept hearing God tell me that by myself, in my own strength, I can't....but He can! He told me that THROUGH Him I can do something, make a difference, change lives. I need to continually, moment by moment, draw on His strength, not my own, to accomplish this work.

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13

And I also loved being a witness to how freely and openly these people worshiped. They were filled with joy, convinced of the power of God, and unwavering in their faith. They were unguarded before the Lord, not afraid to be in the moment and act in accordance to how they were feeling. I admired the freeness of these people. I felt at home in how they worshipped. I felt sadness about how I often keep my faith quiet, how I am worried about judgement of others instead of full surrender to be who I know God created me to be. I wish that I could be as free as they are in the presence of God. Oh how I have wanted to so many times in the quiet pews of my church, stand up and lift my hands and give glory to the God who is moving in my heart in the moment. Why can't I do that? What am I afraid of?

This Side of Africa

2008-09-23T06:49:00.000-07:00

In 3 years the Lord has transformed me. All anyone has to do to believe in the power of God in a person's life is look at me. I sought after God and He showed himself to me, I gave my life to Christ, I submitted to His will and His plan for my life, forgoing my own personal wants and desires. He showed me a purposeful life that was much bigger than one I could have ever dreamt up on my own. He is very clearly cleansing me and changing me and refining me and has lead me down a narrow path that has brought me to this very day. I am preparing to leave my husband and young daughters to board a plane to fly to South Africa to work with AIDS orphans. I weep as I write this. I am overwhelmed with joy and awe at the God that has spent so much time on me, being so faithful to equip me and provide for me and prepare me for this divine appointment. This is not a vacation. This is a God assignment. Since I gave my life to Christ I have prayed unceasingly to be used by Him to help save the world and make a lasting impression in whatever place He wanted to use me. And of course, He has been so faithful to His word. I am being used by God, the creator of the universe to reach out to suffering orphans in South Africa, who by no fault of their own, are victims to the tragic AIDS pandemic. This is how God is at work to restore the world. He uses his faithful believers and followers to be His presence and action to a hurting people that need to experience his love and grace. Why me, there in South Africa? Why that cause? I don't know, I don't question. I just thank God for answering my prayers, for trusting me, for using me, for making my life purposeful. I am an example to my young daughters that when you surrender to the God that created you and He will raise you up to do great things in this world. That is the eternal legacy that my God is helping me to leave in this world and in my children. Am I afraid, nervous, fearful? A little. This is way out of my comfort zone. But that is how our God shows off. He will protect and provide and demonstrate how marvelous He is, as to draw others near to Him. And all I need to worry about is that I am right in the middle of the love of the Lord and that this is where He wants me. Where else in the world would I ever want to be? Today, as His creature, I am being used by THE Creator in South Africa.
"Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go!" Joshua 1:9

In The Palm of His Hand

2008-09-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

I imagine, God's hands. That's all I really see. Just His hands, together, cupped, making a round, safe, warm, protected shelter. I imagine that is the very place that He has me right now. I imagine that is where He holds my whole entire life, my passions and dreams, my purpose, my family and my heart and love and my future, all right there, in very palm of His hands. I imagine that He is holding His hands very steady, careful to hold me close, not to let me fall, but to assure me that I am safe in His care. It is here that He cleanses me, loves me, nurtures me, teaches me, prepares me. And I sense, with clear certainty, that He is getting ready to set me free. It seems that He will be nurturing me in this safe place for just a short while longer, and then He will be ready to lower His hands down, open up His grip and direct me off onto to a very specific path that He will encourage me down. I don't the place that He is leading me to, but I will know when I get there, and I will be ready to run.

The Revolution

2008-09-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

I consider yesterday, September 1st, to be my 3rd anniversary of the day that I came to the Lord. I was getting a massage yesterday afternoon and it dawned on me, that I could have very well not even be alive. Had I not reached out to God in the late afternoon of Sept 1, 2005 I think that maybe I wouldn't even be here today. I count it as such an incredible blessing to be alive, to be here with my husband and kids and friends and family. I am overwhelmed with gratitude to the God that accepted me into this relationship with him after a lifetime of my choice to live apart from him. I want to live the rest of my life on purpose, deliberate, ever aware of the fact that I have a second chance to do this thing right, not for me, but for the Lord that I love and serve. He has done a mighty work in me in just 3 years, it's incredible. I am 100% certain that life with God is THE ONLY WAY!!!
I am about half way through the best book, and yesterday felt the sense that I needed to go back to the beginning and start over because I was craving the power and greatness of it all over again. I commit my life to this philosophy and to the "revolution" that I am following after.
Some excerpts from "The Jesus of Suburbia" by Mike Erre...
"I think we may have lost sight of Jesus among all the trappings of the Christian religion. Amid all the hype about the growing poltical power of the evangelicals, the growing numbers of mega-churches, and the booming, billion-dollar Christian subculture industry, I wonder if we have left Jesus behind?...My primary contention is this: Much of what passes for modern, western Christianity isn't of Jesus. We can (and do) lose Jesus right in the middle of prayer meetings and worship services. We can miss him in the bible and in the church...We may think we worship the Jesus of Nazareth, but in reality we worship the Jesus of Suburbia...The suburban Jesus would never be so offensive as to demand that we do what he says; he is more interested in the security, comfort and prosperity of his followers. In short, much of the message of American Christianity presents Jesus as the purveyor of the American Dream...Jesus birth was was revolution. It changed everything...If we understand his birth as revolution, ten we may glimpse the revolution that his life will bring. Jesus has been, and always will be, a threat to the established order of things...Our world doesn't want to be reminded of Christ-because he forces us to choose. In our just do it, have it all kind of world, the revolution of Jesus forces us to choose: Who is King? Who is Lord? What empire do you serve? What god do you bow down to?...We must be reawakened to the fact that the birth and life of jesus directly opposes the power and authority of this world. He has been and always will be a threat to everything...Not only did Jesus's birth turn everything upside down, so did his life and what he taught. You must die to live. You must lose to gain. Weakness is strength. Joy exists in the midst of suffering. Power is restraint. Love those who persecute you. Pray for those who hate you...This is revolution...Two kingdoms war on this earth...One is built on war, oppression, wealth, power, self-interest, and control; the other on love, faith, hope, freedom, grace, compassion, and truth...Will we choose the Jesus of Suburbia who exists to provide us with health, wealth, comfort and happiness? Or will we press on to find the Jesus of Nazareth, the most dangerous an radical man to ever walk the face of the earth? I want the real thing."

Home Sweet Home

2008-08-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

There is a place, where I feel like I belong. There is a place where I feel like I was meant to be. When I am in this place my heart feels full and warm and my body tingles and I think I might even be floating. When I am in this place, everything in my confusing and chaotic world feels right and perfect and I feel complete and satisfied and lacking nothing.
I found myself in that place again yesterday morning. I was in my church's sanctuary, I was sitting in the pew, my eyes were closed and I was signing the words to a worship song that seemed was written just for me, in my situation, to sing to my Lord. The words to the song sang "It's your kindness Lord, that leads us to repentance..." I could hear the beautiful voices of the other people around me also singing with purpose to our God. I was smiling and crying at the same time, feeling so overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness and vulnerability and proper perspective. I opened my eyes to look around at all the different types of people and giggled at how amazing it is that we can all come together in agreement about the Lord of this world and praise His name together. It's a beautiful and holy and sacred thing that I feel privileged to be a part of.
It is in this place where I always feel the most at home, the most whole, the most genuine, the most accepted, the most alive. It is there that I feel cIosest to the Lord. It is this place that I desire more and more of.

Real Love

2008-08-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

"We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion-how can God's love be in that person?" 1 John 4:16-17

When I read verses like this my heart goes pitter pat. These are the truths that really jump off the page at me, that really hit home, that really make sense to me. This is the life I desire. This is the life that I have always, always dreamed of. Even before I knew Christ, I wanted to be the type of person that would help others. I have always wanted to save this world from itself and make a difference. And now that I know Christ, and I understand his will, I want it even more, but now for the right reason and with the right action plan.

But to want and to do are two totally different things. And this is the frustrating and exhausting place that I find myself in right now. I am having a difficult time with completely surrendering to God, trusting his plan for my life and living this type of sacrificial way, giving of myself and my things and my time and talents in order to serve those with true needs. Now that I am in a position to truly make that difference I've always dreamed of, I am freaking out and panicking and frozen. And I am full of guilt and sorrow because I know that God has clearly called me to live a very specific way, that he has set me apart, that he has equipped me, and right now...I am kinda ignoring him. And what does that really mean? I am not obeying him. I am not trusting him. I am not submitting to him. I am not living completely for him. I clinging to my old life, still. And I am telling the God that created me, that loves me, that saved me, that calls me to a free and satisfying life that I am really not ready to demonstrate and share real love.

And yet with every prayer, I still beg for God to change me and transform me and purify me to make me more like Him and less like me. I yearn, so, so deeply for that kind of change. There is a big part of me that knows God is offering me that change, when I obey him, sacrifice myself and live to fulfill the needs of others as a response to my love for him. And yet, I just don't.

True Freedom

2008-08-05T13:01:00.000-07:00

Mark was also at camp last week, acting as counselor for the 10th grade boys. When he pondered the questions "If you could do one thing for God and know that you couldn't fail, what would it be?" and "What is keeping you from doing that?" his answers were "I would want everyone to be able to pursue their life's passions, to work like they didn't need the money, dance like no one was watching, love like they had never been hurt....to be truly free to live and love. However, I feel like I can't do that because I am overburdened with bills, with real world responsibilities with the burden of providing for my family and trying to get by in this culture and economy."
I wonder how Jesus feels when we answer like this. I wonder if God just feels so sad for us, if he just sighs and shakes his head and wonders if we will every get it. I can't help but think that we are way off base, so far from living the type of lives that God created us to live. We have shackled ourselves, imprisoned ourselves, tied ourselves down. As Christians we claim to be "free." Jesus told us in John 8 "You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Do you feel free?
To me, to be free means that I am mobile, I am able to move about and love and serve and act in response to a need and just be fluid and flowing. It means that I am not obligated, not scheduled, not constrained. It means that I am living my life as it comes, making deliberate choices each day, each moment as I feel called or moved to.
I don't feel this way. I feel pressured and stressed and boxed in and obligated and resentful and burdened and chaotic. I believe that we are missing something huge here. I sense that our culture is sadly off kilter. I am certain that God is mourning the loss of the type of freedom that he created us for. I have tasted satisfying bits of freedom when I have allowed myself to "go there" with Christ, truly accepting his truth, getting lost in a worship song, honestly loving and serving another person, being in the moment, letting my guard down, etc. I think that unless we figure out how to truly get free in Jesus Christ all the time, then we will always be banging our head against the wall. But how do we do that in 2008? How do we do that in Orange County, CA? How do we do that while paying a mortgage and raising kids and putting food on the table? How do we get truly free? I want it...I want true, true, freedom.

It's Me....

2008-08-02T16:11:00.000-07:00

One of the many great thought provoking activities that I got to take part in at camp last week involved a rock. We were to think about the one thing that seems to be getting in the way, distracting us, weighing us down, keeping us from obeying the voice of God. We were all given a rock, and on this rock we were asked to write down the word that describes that distraction or weight.
I wrote..."ME!"
Lord,
Help me to quiet down. My mind is racing lately and I feel anxious and hyper and chaotic. I sense that you are at work, whispering in my ear and a very clear and constant "shhhhhhh!!!!" I know that you are wanting me to slow down, clear my calendar, peel off all unnecessary commitments, focus, chill, quiet down and just be. I struggle with this Lord, you know that, which is probably the reason why you are having me to do it. I keep getting in the way, getting busy, making a mess, creating stress and burdens and yuck. I have trouble just resting in your presence. Help me to slow down, to trust that just "being" is okay and that it is an obedient response to you. Help me to get over myself and my idea that I have to "do" to be worthy. Help me to slow down and be deliberate in my life. Help me to get out of the way so that you can work. Help me to sit still and be quiet long enough to hear your voice. Help me Lord to trust that this is where you want me, quiet, open, still, peaceful, fresh, ready, willing, open. Help me to shed me of "me!"
In Christ's Name,
Amen

A Question, Your Answer...His Voice

2008-08-01T08:45:00.000-07:00

Over the last week, I spent 4 days at high school camp as the counselor for 12 junior and senior girls. I had a blast and might have been the happiest camper there! The girls that I lead were amazing, all so fun and silly and adventurous and wonderful. It was great experience for me, allowing me to challenge myself little bit and try new things (I will blog about those things later for sure!) and it gave me some awesome time away to experience God in a whole new way.
One night at our evening meeting, the head pastor of our church challenged all the kids with this question..."if you could do one thing for God and know you couldn't fail, what would it be?" He proceeded to encourage the kids that he was certain that most of the time, the thing that is on our hearts to do for God, could very well be our calling. But what happens? Why don't we do those things? Why do we end up feeling defeated and discouraged and beaten down, feeling that we could never accomplish those things? Because the messages of "the world" are usually that...pretty defeating and discouraging. If I were to answer the question, honestly, it would be that I would rescue all of the victimized children in the world. There is nothing that upsets me more than to know that children are being abused, abandoned, mistreated, uncared for. My heart just can't take it. And honestly, I believe that God is calling me to be active in this cause, starting with rescuing the orphans in South Africa. But even though I am intimately involved in doing this, I still feel overwhelmed and overburdened with the enormity of the job and there are moments when I just want to throw my hands up and forget about it, because there is no way that I can really make a difference. But those are the voice of the world that are getting to me, telling me that it's impossible, ridiculous, idealistic. But with God, I believe that this can be done. Maybe not with just me alone, but I can be a part of the saving movement. And I know that this is the kind of thing that Jesus came to the world to do, to save, and as long as I am serving Him, together we can make a difference. So, the challenge is then to listen more to the voice of God, telling me what I CAN do, than to the voices of the world telling me what I CAN'T do. Now, how do I do that???

My "Un-Call"

2008-07-23T22:22:00.001-07:00

I heard the term "Un-Call" used this morning by a woman at my church who was giving her testimony at Bible Study. She talked about how she thought she had a "call" on her life, made all moves in that direction and then at a very important moment God spoke to her and gave her the "Un-Call," telling her that this was actually not what He wanted for her.
I didn't really get it, but I liked the idea.
Well, this evening, I got my very own "Un-Call!"
Mark and I feel that God has called our family to adopt. We feel pretty certain that it will be from South Africa, as He has us so intimately involved with Acres of Love and the AIDS pandemic and the orphaned children there. So, out of obedience I thought that I should just start making steps in the direction of international adoption and see what happened. I talked with lots of people and did a ton of research on Christian agencies and learned that adopting from South Africa is not fully approved for the US right now. (soon though, hopefully) So, I just figured that maybe God wants us to be open to other African countries too, also terribly effected by the AIDS crisis. We went to a meeting tonight with an international agency and learned about the options of adopting from Ethiopia. And there, I got my "Un-Call!" Although my heart is broken for the the children all over the world who are suffering and who need homes, like the one I could give, I feel strongly that God does not want us to adopt to just adopt. And Mark expressed on the way home that he was feeling the same "Un-Call!" We both feel that God has something else planned for us. What? We do not have a clue, but going through an agency like this to adopt from just somewhere isn't it. We are fairly certain that God's plan for our adoption will look very different.
I have to be honest, this is killing me. I can't stand knowing that God wants adoption from me, and then He expects me to just sit and wait. I am not good at waiting! I want to do something, get busy, get "doing." Why the waiting?
Surely, I will look back at this time someday and be thankful to the God who knew I needed this time for Him to work in us and on our family and get things all just right. He's good like that! I have to just trust the call that Mark and I have both separately heard from God and have faith that in His perfect timing, we will hear from him again and know what to do next.

Can I Walk The Walk?

2008-07-23T14:24:00.000-07:00

I've been talking a big game lately....all about how God has really transformed me and shown me that I have been called to a life of sacrifice in order to serve the orphaned children in Africa.
So, now, am I REALLY ready to do that? Now that I really "get it" with my head, now that I've shared that this is what I want my life to be about, will I able to live it out, day by day, for real? Am I ready to stop my frivolous spending, not be so preoccupied with the "finer things," with my social status, with the latest and greatest fashion trend or the not so necessary cup of afternoon chai tea from Starbucks or the pedicure or the lunch out with the kids, so that our family can have the money we need to give, to maybe adopt, etc? Am I ready to give up the approval of others that I have always craved and be ready for the possible criticism, eye rolls and outright disapproval of the choices we, as a family, will make in order to follow Christ? Am I ready, prepared, to stand firm in my beliefs and truly live out the life that I am certain God wants me to? Am I convinced that living for the Lord is more important than anything else? Am I sure that I am able to rise above the standards of "this world" and live with my eye on the eternal?
I know one thing for sure, I will not be able to do this, not at all, not even for one day, not in my own strength, not without the help of the holy spirit. Without continually surrendering to God's will and looking at the hurting world through his eyes, I will fall very short of the life that He has planned for me. I will only be able to be effective for him if I am constantly seeking him, submitting to him, humbling myself before him, serving him and begging for his help,
So, it's time to stop talking...and get to walking....

"Coolness on the earth
Actually isn't worth
Anything to the King"
-Rob Biagi

Where Is He Leading Me?

2008-07-14T13:28:00.000-07:00

God has clearly brought me to this very place in my life right now:
I am getting stronger in my faith everyday
Mark and I are on the same page to raise our family under the direction and leading of Christ
We agree that He is unarguably present in our lives and we are striving to "Take up our cross and follow Him"
I am fulfilling the calling on my life to work with Acres of Love to rescue and care for AIDS orphans in South Africa
We are working hard to just "get by" financially and feel that God is using this time to reshape our priorities regarding material things, social status, the burden of "stuff" and the freedom that can come from truly recognizing the deep needs of orphans and evaluating where we can make a difference.

As I prepare for my trip to South Africa in September, I get the sense that God is really preparing me for the impact that it is going to have on me. I am fearful of how much it's going to really shake me up and how hard it will be to return to "Orange County living." Since I have become educated on the dire situation in Africa and the immense need of the people, especially children there, I am changed. I can't enjoy my lifestyle the way I used to, I can't enjoy shopping or other meaningless luxuries, I don't taste or feel or experience anything the way that I used to. Everything is different.
I get the feeling that God is getting ready to lead me in a most challenging and uncomfortable direction. I am sensing that I will soon be confronted with my "one big evil" that will really force me to choose between clinging to the life that I thought I always wanted and trusting God's leading to a place of true material sacrifice in order to be in a position to really reach out and save lives. It is freaking me out and I almost wish He would just leave me alone already! :) (not really, of course!) But I feel pretty exhausted and stretched and emotionally drained, I can only imagine what is on the horizon for me.

"I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it
Something on the road cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of and what I know of Love...
I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction
Something on the road cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire...
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
Your courage asks me what I am made of...and what I know of Love...and what I know of God"
-Sara Groves

A Prayer for A Student

2008-06-29T10:24:00.000-07:00

Heavenly Father,
Thank you for my young student, you know her name. Thank you for calling me to become a leader in the high school ministry at our church and for leading me to these girls. Thank you for the opportunity to serve you in this capacity and for helping me to know you better and be more sure of my faith as I walk along side these young women to help them know you.
You tell us in the book of Matthew "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who ask, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."
Lord, my student is in a season of her life where she is questioning, seeking, knocking. She is looking for you, desiring a real relationship with you, hoping that it will make a difference in her life. Lord, I pray that you will show up, in a huge way, in her life right now. I pray that she will continue to press on and seek to know you and that you will be faithful to meet her where she is. I pray that you will reveal yourself to her, that you will make it so obvious of your presence and your nature and your love that she will just know, without any question, who you are. I pray that she will be able to be vulnerable, real, exposed and that she will let down her guard in order to experience you in a new way. She has a need to "check off the to-do list", thinking that her faith is about doing the right things and being the right kind of Christian. Lord, help her to see and know that you are about grace and that nothing she can DO will earn your favor. Help her to understand that you love her, you desire her, you are already there for her.
Lord, help me to help her in this journey of finding you. Use me to reveal yourself to her. Let my words, be your words and allow me to be there for her as you would need me to. Let this time of studying your word together this summer be an awesome and overwhelming time of discovering you.
In Christ's Name,
Amen

Step Away From The Mall

2008-06-13T14:02:00.000-07:00

I have been so good at saving money lately, at being a helpful and supportive wife by significantly cutting back on all spending, at not placing so much importance on stuff and clothes and these shallow means for satisfying that certain longing to feel good. I have chosen to use my time more wisely, just packing picnics and hanging at the park or the beach. I've been staying clear of all Targets and Nordstroms and any type of needless shopping at all that sucks me into that place where I just "have to have it!" I've been working so hard at trying to truly evaluate what "need" is and spend accordingly. Do I really NEED that pedicure? Do I really NEED that candle for the house or that Starbucks coffee? No, those are not needs. The children in Africa understand needs. They NEED parents and food and medicine and education and love. Those are NEEDS!!
I am trying to abandon all those superficial desires in order to strip myself of worldly influence, in order to focus more healthy attention on my family and my faith, in order to lay those addictions at the feet of God's throne and ask for healing from those longings and desires, in order to live out the faith I claim has set me free, in order to demonstrate to my young daughters that they are precious children of God who have been showered with blessing and who can stand firm in the hope that this "stuff" doesn't make a darn bit of difference, but living for God is all they NEED.
It's tough to live at this time and in this place and try to go out to dinner with all your pretty girlfriends without the cutest new outfit and a mani/pedi. That is sad, really, that is sad. But it's the truth and one that I am not proud of struggling with. I must say though that I've done pretty good for the last couple months since I have gotten away from this lifestyle and have felt better, a little more free and much less defined by the world.
But then I went and did the unthinkable....I went to Target on Monday and to the mall today....and now there is a war going on inside me and I want, want, want! It's crazy, like someone unleashed an animal inside me that wants the next best thing and swears that I will feel good, so my life will be better if I just have that top....

More Than "This World" Has To Offer

2008-06-12T12:51:00.001-07:00

At the encouragement of 2 staff people at Acres of Love, including the founder, Gerda, I am starting to read "A Chance to Die." (it got the fast pass into my hands even though I have a stack of about 10 Christian and South Africa books I am eager to get into!!) It is the life and legacy of Amy Carmichael, who understood true discipleship and lived it out. She felt the call to the mission field, followed God's guidance and eventually went to India and founded a refuge for orphans. I am only about 50 pages in, but already feel a weird sense of understanding of Amy's heart and faith.
On page 37 I read about how Amy had gone to this Christian convention. At the end of the night the chairman rose for the last prayer..."O Lord, we know Thou art able to keep us from falling." and Amy says that "those words found me. It was as if they were alight. And they shone for me." She sounds like a passionate, romantic....I can relate.
Her biographer writes that after the convention Amy went out for lunch. "The mutton chops they ordered were badly cooked. Mutton chops? thought Amy. What does it matter about Mutton Chops? The Lord is able to keep us from falling! To keep us from falling! This, this at last, was what she had prayed and agonized for...If mutton chops didn't matter anymore, neither did clothes...She was now, in the language of the apostle Paul, "dead to the world." To Amy, the world meant fashion, finery, luxury of any sort. She would follow Him who had no home, no earthly possessions beyond the bare minimum. She would be 'dead to the world and its applause, to all its customs, fashions, laws.' It is the measure of her commitment that she did not hesitate to relinquish all that seemed to her inimical to the true life of discipleship."
Funny, these words seemed alight for me.
I have felt this way since the beginning of my Christian walk. I have felt increasingly "dead to the world" as I have come to know Christ more and more. Before I knew Christ I was "of this world," grading myself based on the standards that others put in place. I was preoccupied with status and wealth and nice things, who strived for the good life and comfortable future, who desired security, who bought into this culture and time.
But once I came to truly know Christ, my priorities and desires changed. Since I have accepted his offer of forgiveness and cleansing and a chance to be "reborn," I see things through His eyes and not my own. Now I feel like I understand what this whole life is really about. It's not about wealth and stuff and getting ahead and worldly success or even about comfort or security. It's about love and freedom and peace. It's about being free in Christ, truly free to accept love and to share love with others. It's not about us, it's about Him. It's about getting over ourselves, getting over our pride and our ego and the idea that we are in charge. It's about surrendering and admitting that we don't have it all figured out, and that we trust that God does and that we want to live for the Creator that is finishing the good work He once started.
Lately I've had the sense that God is really trying to show me that I can claim this freedom in Him, that I don't have to submit to the standards of this world, that He is calling me to a much more meaningful life of truly loving Him and others and making a lasting difference in the lives of orphaned children in Africa. I get the feeling that God wants to me be aware that there is so much more to this life that I will have when I commit to following Him no matter where that takes me, more than I would have if I were to sit still and fearfully cling to the "stuff" and status of this world.
As I navigate through this season that God is taking me through, I pray for wisdom. Being the passionate, romantic, I want to abandon it all! I want to be like Amy Carmichael. Because of her commitment to the Lord she could no longer see enjoyment in Mutton Chops and fashion. I am beginning to have feelings like that too. Since I know of the pain and suffering that goes on in South Africa I am having trouble enjoying food and leisure and any non-necessity anymore. Things just don't look and taste and feel the same to me now. I pray that God will work this all out within me and show me where He needs me and wants me to be. I pray that I will move slowly, not get ahead of myself that I will be still and quiet enough to sense his leading and that I will just get out of the way so that He can do His thing!

Even Through The Flood

2008-06-10T06:09:00.000-07:00

My trip to South Africa in September to work with the kids at Acres of Love costs $5000. We do not have that money. So I decided to send out a letter to 140 of my closest friends and family :), explaining my passion for this cause, my commitment to fundraise for the kids, and my desire to travel to South Africa to meet the children, work with them and experience how the organization is run. I asked, if they could, to donate money for my travels.
In the meantime, I was very persistent in prayer, begging God to provide the funds for me to go if that was His plan for me and asking for a clear answer if it wasn't. I had faith that getting to $5000 was possible, seeing as I was certain that God had clearly called me to work with Acres of Love and with Him all things were possible, but there was a private part of me that was terrified that I wasn't going to raise the money, wasn't going to make the trip and was going to be left without the experience of knowing the kids firsthand.
Then, if the money matters in our home weren't tight enough, a few days before a big deposit was due for the trip and my funds were coming up short....I came downstairs in the morning to a flood in our kitchen! So now we are forking over $1000 to our insurance company and I am left wondering "Okay God, what am I supposed to do now?! I am trying to have faith that you will provide for me, but where is the money gonna come from?" I was still certain that going on this trip to South Africa was a step in obedience towards the God that called me there, so I began the process to list things all over my house for sale on Craig's List. I am of the mind set that nothing will keep me from those kids, nothing will keep me from my calling, no personal possession will prevent me from responding to what God wants from my life. I began to see life differently. Suddenly everything had a price tag and a way to get me to South Africa and I felt a shift in my whole outlook on life and material gain and status and the world. Things became crystal clear to me and I started to see where God was leading me and my future with all of Africa and the HIV pandemic and orphans and our obligation to do whatever it takes to step out and be His saving presence to a hurting people. There was a new fire in me and I knew I had to get to South Africa, meet those kids, understand their struggles, and come back to America an educated ambassador to fight for them.
A couple days later I get a call from Acres of Love that someone had made an anonymous donation towards my trip for $1000!! Later that same day I got word that another anonymous donation had been made in the amount of $1500!!!
God is so good, so faithful, so capable, so very real and alive and present and working. I am blown away by the way that He showed up in this situation and shouted out to me that He is faithful to provide and He is blessing my efforts with Acres and He is present with all my life's drama and He is working through me and the lives of His people to accomplish His purpose. You cannot tell me that getting $2500 in anonymous donations right after this flood is not God! I am still in awe and disbelief and shaking my head and giggling, And my heart is singing that God has confirmed that I am where he wants me. I am going to South Africa!!

A Messy Prayer

2008-05-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

Heavenly Father,
I feel so anxious this afternoon, I can't quiet my thoughts. My family is all resting throughout the house and for some reason I cannot calm down. My heart is pounding so hard in my chest and there is an aching in my throat because I am trying to hold my tears in. I feel confused and messy and chaotic. But in some weird way I feel a certainty and a peace about some very new and difficult truths that I have gotten from you as I prayed while trying to nap.
I was lying next to my sweet Katelyn, rubbing her back while she fell sleep and praying for her. Thank you for those moments, they are some of my favorites. I always start out praying for those big things like her safety and health and her happiness and then I always come back to that realization that all I really want for my children is that they truly know you, passionately commit their lives to you, follow you and desire you, and fulfill your will for their lives. I want nothing more than that for them. I know that if they are in your hands there is no better way. You tell us in Jeremiah 29 "For I know the plans I have for you, they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me whole heartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you." Those are such encouraging and hopeful words and they assure me in such a real way. I want my girls with you, however that looks and turns out. I just know that if my girls are faithful about knowing you that they will live a life of purpose and meaning and peace and hope. No matter what happens along they way in their life, I want them with you.
As I was praying those things to you today you hit me hard with a new thought.....that is what you want for me too. You want me with you. You want me to follow you. You want me to respond to your call on my life and trust that you have it all under control. You want me to believe, really believe that you have good and hopeful plans for my future. That if I trust in you and follow you, you will lead me on a journey that will far surpass any dream I could have for myself. You want me to have have obedience and faith and act accordingly, knowing that you are there and I am in good hands. Lord, I want to believe that, help me.
I cannot escape from the idea that you are turning my life upside down and inside out!! I get the sense that with every step I make to follow you and be obedient to your call, you are leading me down a path of some really big stuff. I am scared to death. I just know that you are preparing me for some major life changes and I feel myself tensing up and clinging on. It's so weird because there is a very big part of me that wants to give myself completely over to you, and just be an open and obedient and faithful servant. But then I get freaked out because I am afraid of what that all means.
I feel a very deep desire to serve the orphaned children in Africa. A very deep desire that I cannot turn off or get away from. It is something that is on my mind all the time and everything I do and think seems to come back to it. It effects how I spend my money and how I enjoy my free time and how I pray and how I have com to understand my faith and your word and the whole meaning of life. I just feel like it is something that I am obligated to do, to give of my time and my talents and my heart and my possessions so that I can serve those children that otherwise would have nothing. It seems so clear to me that every Christian and believer should be doing something drastic in their lives in order to truly reach out to the needy. If we aren't doing that, then what does our faith mean? What is it for? Why even claim to believe in God? It's not some religious, spiritual, fluffy, feel good journey that we are on here. We are here for something more, something much bigger.
And the thing is, I know this, I just know it. And I know for sure that you are asking me to really dig in and do something and sacrifice and serve. And that all sounds really good and romantic for a few minutes until I start to consider what that really means for my life. That means that I need to really, really change how I view my needs and my comfort and my time and entertainment, etc. That means I really need to figure out how I'm going to help you change this world. And that's where I freeze up and try to tune you out.
Of course, it's no coincidence that I keep turning to these books like "Red Letters." And practically the whole book is filled with my yellow high lighter! Today I was reading about the rich young ruler who asked Jesus how he could inherit eternal life. Jesus tells him to go sell everything he has and give it to the poor. Then to follow him. "Jesus told the man what his heart was searching for, but the man just wasn't ready to receive it. He wasn't ready to live for something bigger than himself. I often wonder what this man's life would have looked like if he had accepted Jesus' invitation. "Follow me, " Jesus had offered. What an invitation. This man could have walked the earth alongside the Creator of the universe. He could have witnessed miracles. And he could have learned what it meant to follow God from God himself. Instead, he just turned and walked away, a victim of his own selfishness, of his inability to live a truly big life, not as calculated by dollars and cents, but as calculated by the incalculable impact he could have had on the lives of others."
I can't help but shake my head as I write that quote. I feel like you are literally in front of me, inviting me to follow you and make a difference in the lives of hurting and desperate children in Africa. Why you chose me for this particular cause, I don't know. But I just know you're inviting me. And in my mortal and sinful and prideful body I look right at you and say..."I'm not sure!"
Lord, forgive me for knowing the right thing to do and not doing it. Forgive me for being scared and selfish and afraid and for not trusting you with my life the way I say that I want to. Lord, help me.
In Jesus Name I Pray,
Amen

Your List and Final Judgement

2008-05-23T15:27:00.000-07:00

In Tom Davis's book, Red Letters, he poses a question, "Make a mental list of the top 5 things that matter most to you...Let me see if I can guess...Family? Friends? Your relationship with God? Safety? Security?...These are all good things...But here's the million dollar question...Do our lists match God's?...I wonder if the 5,500 Africans dying every day from preventable diseases are at the top of his list?...Surely they are...Jesus is interested in what we are doing with our compassion and acts of mercy. He doesn't care about how religious we appear. If our Christian faith doesn't manifest into something that helps the life of another human being, it doesn't mean squat to him."
In the Bible Jesus tells a story about the Final Judgement....."Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Matthew 25:34-40

THIS Day

2008-05-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

I get up early every day, 5am early, and put on my running shoes and head out the door. I love this time. I love being up and out and moving before my family is up, before most of San Clemente is up, before the sun is up. As I run and listen to my Ipod, filled with some awesome Christian music, I pray for my day, for my family's day, for all things on my heart, whether they be praises, requests or pleads. I start every morning prayer with this verse from Psalm 118:24..."This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it."
I love starting my day with this frame of mind. The word "THIS" means so much to me and really puts my priorities in order. THIS is the day, just today, just THIS day that the Lord has made for me. Life is busy and hectic and chaotic and there are so many things to do and worry about and stress over. But If I just remember that I am so grateful to just have today, just this one day to be alive and share myself with my husband and my kids and my family and friends, then life seems a little more manageable. Then I can try to just focus on what I want to do with just this one day, who I want to be, how I want to speak and act and spend my time. I start to see more clearly how purposeful I can be in this one day and decide more deliberately how I will treat others and give of myself. I begin to feel overwhelming thanks and gratitude to the God who has allowed me to be here today. I begin to feel fortunate and lucky and blessed. I begin to be appreciative of the people in my life and the gifts and talents that I possess that I can share. I find myself rejoicing, celebrating my life and thanking God for the awesome opportunity to serve Him, to be his partner in making a difference in the lives of my kids, my neighbors, the world.
What if I only had THIS day? What if I just have this one? How do I know as I pray in the morning that it wont be the last time I start a day this way? And if it is the last day that the Lord will have me here, then what will I do with it? How will I use it? What difference will I make? What message will I send to my kids? What example will I set for them? What lasting impression will I make on the people around me? What impact will I leave on this world? Will it be a better place because I was here? Will people know by the way I spend this one day that I love the Lord, that I want nothing more than to serve Him? Will my friends and neighbors really, really, really know me? Will they know that I am filled with a deep desire to follow Christ and help him to redeem this world? Will they be surprised to hear others talk about my faith after I am gone? Or will they already have known about the change in me?
I pray that I am a genuine, authentic, transparent woman and disciple of Christ and that on THIS day I make Him proud.

What Have We Become?

2008-05-17T12:53:00.000-07:00

"Even though we possess most of the waelth in the world, there are many who aren't doing anything to help the world's poor. I'm not talking about giving financially when we don't have money to give. I'm talking about giving out of our abuudance. Let's put this in perspective...the four dollars I spend on a grande mocha with extra whip is enough to pay for the malaria medicine a child would need to stay alive in a third-world country...Why don't we act? Why don't we choose to make a difference? One reason is because we're afraid. We spend most of our time trying to protect what we have, fearing what would happen if that went away. When we do this, we become shackled to our possessions. In essence, we limit our range of motion. We can't reach far enough to offer compassion because our arms are too busy holding all that we own...Building walls around our possessions and our lives leads to selfishness and hardened hearts. When we live with a "never enough" mentality, life is so overhwlming we couldn't possibly help someone else."
-Red Letters by Tom Davis

I Love You Mom

2008-05-10T12:28:00.000-07:00

Mom,
I love you. You are such a good mom. There are so many qualities that you possess as a mother that I hope my girls will see in me.
You are so devoted and committed to our family. There has never been a moment when I didn't feel right in the middle of your lavish love. You have always made our family a top priority and we have always known and felt your love and loyalty. That was always so important to me growing up, just knowing that I mattered and that I was valued and important. That sense of security and praise that you showed me helped me to become a confident and comfortable woman, one who trusts and easily accepts love and is able to give love.
You were always honest and open and genuine. One of the things that Nick and I always enjoyed most about our family is that everything, EVERYTHING is up for discussion. Our home was always one where we felt we could ask and discuss, challenge and inquire and nothing felt that it was off limits. The dinner table always turned into a place where we talked openly about our days, about the issues we were dealing with, got good advice and felt that we were known and heard and understood. You always made us feel that home was a place we could really be ourselves and that you were the place we could come to with our problems. Your willingness to talk to us about things made me always feel safe and I only hope that I can be that inviting and brave and real with my daughters.
You are so thoughtful and giving. You always went out of your way to make us and others feel special. You are generous with your money and your time. Being that type of person to those in our family and even those not, showed me how to care for others, how to express my love, how to give of myself.
And you are compassion and emotion and big heart made Nick and I into the people that we are. I know that some of our ways are hard for you, like Nick's Peace Corps experience and my trip to South Africa...but you raised us into people that care, that really dig deep, that are moved to action, that are not okay with complacency. Being raised under your blanket of love and example taught us that it was okay to be ourselves and that is exactly what we are. Thank you mom!!
Kim

My Other Family...The Bridges Forever Home

2008-05-07T12:45:00.000-07:00

The goal for "Mommies In America" is to raise $40,000 this year to cover the basic needs and healthcare costs for the 8 children that live in the Bridges Forever Home. What an honor is would be to be able to provide for them in this way, knowing where they come from, the tragedy and loss they have faced and the amazing grace that God has shown them by rescuing them and placing them in the warm embrace at Acres of Love.

I Can't Wait...

2008-05-07T12:23:00.000-07:00

...to meet these two girls on my trip to South Africa. They live together in the Bridges Forever Home and have been a huge focus of my commitment to Acres of Love. I can't believe that within months I will be hugging them, playing with them, getting to know them and filling up on their inspiration.
The 10 year old girl on the left arrived at Acres of Love with stage 4 AIDS, blood cancer and little hope of survival. To date, she is the only known survivor of both AIDS and cancer throughout the world! Through the love and care of Acres of Love and the will of God, she is victoriously battling for her life. She is excelling in school and refusing to let anything keep her from her full potential.
The 9 year old girl on the right was brought to Acres of Love at the age of 5 and has both HIV and HPV because of the severe abuse that she suffered after her parents died from AIDS. Over the last 2 years, this brave little girl has undergone multiple surgeries to have the warts caused by HPV removed, a process that brings incredible pain and very slow healing. My fundraising group "Mommies in America" recently raised $25,000 to cover the cost of her extensive medical needs. She is surrounded by a medical team of some of the world's top physicians and is expected to soon be well enough to play, learn and grow as any other precious 9 year old girl.
I have personally committed to raise $2000 over the next year to cover the cost for education for both of these girls. And "Mommies in America" has set a goal of raising $40,000 to cover all basic needs (food, clothing, toiletry items) and healthcare (ARV medication, vitamins, pathology and homeopathic meds) costs for all of the 8 kids that live in the Bridges Forever Home.

Why I want to go to South Africa...

2008-05-06T20:53:00.000-07:00

"I Saw What I Saw and I Can't Forget It"

2008-05-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

Sara Groves, "I Saw What I Saw"

I Have To Obey

2008-04-29T13:38:00.000-07:00

I have so much in my heart right now it feels like it just might explode! I am literally shaking as I try to put all my thoughts and feelings into words that make some sense.
I am embarking on an opportunity to travel to South Africa in a few months to work with an organization, Acres of Love, that rescues and cares for orphans whose parents have died from AIDS. Becoming involved with Acres of Love has changed the very course of my life, welcoming me into a place and a role where I truly feel like my purpose in life is being defined and perfected. When I am doing the work of helping this organization to help those suffering children I feel more alive than I've ever felt.
My whole life I have been dealing with a fire inside of me, a passion, a deep yearning, a longing to fulfill the desire of my heart that wants to make a lasting difference in this hurting world. I have tried repeatedly to find the right place and organization and cause to really dig in and do this, but those efforts have never been truly soul satisfying or fruitful. But now that I have found and worked with Acres of Love, my soul is singing and I know, that I know, that I know that this is where I am supposed to be.
Since I became a Christian a couple years ago, I have prayed and prayed for God to transform me and to use my life, my hands and feet, my resources, my talents and gifts and to make it clear to me what He wants me to do to help Him in redeeming this hurting world.
Well, that transformation that I pray and pray for is taking place in my heart and my family and my whole life everyday. Since getting to know Jesus, studying the Bible daily, committing my life to be His follower, making my relationship with him a priority and learning to submit to His will in my life, He has been faithful in doing the work inside of me and I am becoming transformed at light speed. The changes that have taken place in me and in my life are not because of anything that I did, rather they are because of the work that God has been faithful to do. Like author Tom Davis said, "Transformation DID occur when I would hear the words of Jesus and obeyed them. The more I obeyed, the more I was transformed."
James 1:27 says that "Pure religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for the orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." I am certain that God is calling me, loud and clear, to work with Acres of Love, to be an ambassador for these innocent and victimized children and to truly live out the words of James in this verse. I am certain of it. And I am confident that making the trip to South Africa is part of His plan for me. I believe that my effectiveness as a leader for this organization will come from my direct experience of meeting these children, seeing the country they come from, holding them, playing with them, getting to know them and seeing with my own eyes the difference that I can make by reaching out to them and sharing God's love with them. I want to be right in the middle of the place that God wants me. I want to fulfill His great plans for my life. I want to do what my Father wants from me. I want to be obedient to His call and then trust that He will bless my efforts for my faithfulness. I believe that if I am about God's business that He will protect me, bless me, and take care of every last detail with this journey. I know that if I pass up this opportunity because I am fearful or nervous or because I am trying to please other people, that I will be saying "NO!" to God who is asking for my trust and faith and obedience. God created me, He loves and adores me, He knows and wants what is best for me and He is calling me to be his hands and feet and arms in South Africa to those children and I have to go!
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11-13

An Exception To My Rule

2008-04-23T12:54:00.000-07:00

When I get into theological debates with friends and family about why I believe in God, an argument that comes up often from my "unbelieving" loved ones is "...But Christians are such hypocrites. The say they believe in God and they act all high and mighty and then they gossip, cheat, treat others unkindly, etc. I don't want to be a part of that. Christianity doesn't really seem to work or make a difference."
To that argument I always want to say something like "Don't judge God by His followers. You are selling yourself incredibly short if you are making a decision to not believe in God because people you know that believe in Him aren't perfect. In fact, Christians, by proclaiming their need for God are actually admitting their "unperfectness" and asking God to help them in their sinful lives. Church is not a place that you go because you are better than other people or "more holy" than others, or you have it all together. Churches are like hospitals, a place where you can go because you are sick and broken and hurting and flawed and you know you need a savior to make you better."
But, this week I find myself wanting to point my "unbelieving" loved ones in the direction of San Clemente Presbyterian Church and shout "Go there and judge God by His followers!!!"
My father-in-law has been in and out of the hospital for over a week, struggling with all sorts of medical issues. As I sit and write he is in the ICU. Our family is very concerned, worried, stressed. Yesterday morning he was in really bad shape. I sent out an email to my Christian neighbors and some friends from our church to pray for him and the family. (and by the way, my husband and I are the only one's that attend this particular church, my in laws do not) The response I have received is almost too much to accept. People are praying, offering to watch the kids, offering to cook meals, offering to run errands, offering to go to the hospital and pray with my father-in-law, offering scriptures to rely on, offering anything that we could possibly need. This community of people that I have found myself belonging to (no mistake by God I am sure of that!) is exactly what Christianity should look like. It's loving, faithful, self sacrificing, rooted in the truths of the Bible, unwavering in their life commitment to Christ, and overwhelmingly real and genuine and authentic. This church has been lead by it's pastoral staff to become a body of people who truly become the presence of God himself just when you need it. I am more certain of my belief in God today because of this scary circumstance I find myself in and because of the actions of His believers. I wish the whole world could experience God and believe in Him because of His followers at my church!

Believe....Act

2008-04-17T13:15:00.000-07:00

"To believe something is to ACT as if it were true."

I can't get this quote out of my mind. I can't escape it or get rid of it. My pastor used it a long while ago in a sermon and it's still haunting me. I'm convinced that the holy spirit is trying to tell me that I need to really get this one.
It's pretty interesting, this quote, because for a long time I've kind of been thinking along those lines, and this quote just sort of wraps it up for me and puts a pretty little bow on it. I've struggled with this concept for some time now and I am excited to really look at it, study it and see what I can learn from it.
Here's what I'm thinking so far...if we REALLY believe in God, REALLY believe in Jesus Christ, REALLY believe that he came as the Messiah to save the world, REALLY believe that he was crucified for us, died for us and conquered death by rising again, REALLY believe that by believing in him and following him that we are forgiven for our sins and live in freedom, REALLY believe that we have eternal life and are truly, truly, truly saved and free to just love and serve our neighbor in the name of Christ.....then we should be ACTING like we BELIEVE it. If we REALLY, REALLY, deep down REALLY believe all of these things as the ultimate and sure, bottom line truth, then we should be changed, different, alive, energized, living freely, loving abundantly, sharing all of our possessions and time and talents, happy, joyful, peaceful, sure of our salvation and eager to share this new found freedom with anyone and everyone, especially those we love.
If we REALLY believe that we are saved, that we are ourselves going to conquer death and live eternally with Christ, then why are we anxious, stressed, grumpy, lazy, clinging to material things and social status, worried about what others think, afraid to just be ourselves and accept who we are in God's eyes, why aren't we constantly singing and dancing and rejoicing in our freedom, why aren't we helping each other more, out saving the world and trying to convince everyone to turn to Christ so that they too can live eternally?
If we REALLY believe in God, why aren't we ACTING like it?

An Answer to Anxiety

2008-04-14T15:39:00.000-07:00

I went to an awesome conference this past weekend with some neighbor gals in San Diego. We had the honor of hearing Beth Moore speak. She is so great, so real and funny and brilliant. I learned so many good things, but one little nugget if wisdom is really sticking with me...
The anxiety we experience is caused by our trying to control a situation that is entirely out of our control. We try to play "Jr God" and control situations, people, etc.
For instance, I get anxious about flying somewhere without my kids. I get all nervous and worried that something might happen to me while I am on the plane. My heart rate goes up, I get stressed and uptight, etc. Does the anxiousness do anything, solve anything, make anything better or safer or less dangerous? No. I get all worked up about something that I have no control over. Who is in control? God. If we can learn to surrender, give up that "feeling" that we can control things, and just have faith that God has got it all covered, how peaceful and freeing that would be.

A Real Life Lesson

2008-04-01T12:43:00.000-07:00

I had to do something terrible today....I had to teach my young daughters about the "real world."
I have become friends with a homeless woman, Pamela, who spends most of her time down by the pier in San Clemente. I have been meeting her down there once or twice a week, bringing her food, money, a bus pass, lists of resources for shelter and health care and found her some good mental health services, I brought her a good Christian book and today I took her an art notebook and some colored pencils because she loves to draw. I am trying to do what I can to help meet some of her needs, and mostly just trying to be her friend, praying for and just caring about her.
I dropped my girls off at a friends house today so I could go spend some time with Pamela at the beach. After I picked my girls up they began asking all sorts of questions about her in the car on the way home. My conversation with my 4 1/2 year old daughter went something like this:
Katelyn: Where does Pamela live?
Me: She lives on the streets honey, she doesn't have a home.
K: Why doesn't she have a home?
M: Well, her brain is sick honey and so it's hard for her to work, and so she doesn't have any money to pay for a home.
K: She can come live with us!
M: That's so sweet, but it wouldn't be safe for us to have her live with us because she is sick and sometimes she gets really grumpy and can be kinda mean.
K: Where does she keep all her clothes?
M: She only has one outfit, so just wears it all the time..
K: Doesn't she have any pj's?
M: No.
K: We should get her some pj's!
M: That would be nice, but she doesn't have anywhere to keep that kind of stuff.
K: We could get her some drawers.
M: But honey, she doesn't have a house to keep the drawers in.
K: We should make her a house. We could ask some of those guys that make houses to make her one.
M: Houses cost a lot of money to make honey, and we don't have the money to make her one.
K: What should we do?
M: Well, we should continue to be her friend and help her as much as we can and pray for her safety and health.
K: Okay, we'll pray for her everyday!

Grace And Truth With Goldfish Crackers

2008-03-27T12:54:00.000-07:00

I am in the process of reading a great, great, great book called "Raising Great Kids" by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. It is a comprehensive guide to parenting with Grace and Truth. The book is filled with my highlighter marks and I am finding that I am transforming as a mom from the inside out, even as I read.
The basis of the book is that "character growth is the main goal of child rearing...We view character as the structures and abilities within ourselves that make up how we operate in life. In other words, character is the sum of our abilities to deal with life as God designed us to." (pg.29)..."you can give a child all the "advantages"-security, good schools, churches, and camps-but if they don't develop character, they can quickly lose the advantage of the advantages." (pg. 30)
The Dr's have convinced me that raising a child with character requires the integration of Grace and Truth. "Grace, in the Bible's terms, means "favor." Grace-filled people are kind toward others; they are "for" a person and not against him...true grace is not earned; it is given freely out of love...Truth is the state of being reliable and trustworthy. It is ultimate reality, the timeless realities God wove into his creation. If we live in truth, we do what is right (pg 40)...Parents must at the same time love their child and provide limits and structure. They must be loving and firm. They must be kind, but require the child to do his part. They must be compassionate and forgiving, but require the child to change and be responsible. Soft on the person, hard on the issue...Grace lets a child know she is loved. Truth guides her on that to do and become." (pg. 42)
This afternoon I tested out grace and truth with Taylor. We were getting out of the car at home and after I unbuckled her seat belt she quickly snatched a carton of Goldfish crackers, looked me dead in the eye and dumped the entire box on the floor of the back seat, devilishly giggling as she did so. (this type of food spilling destruction is so one of her favorite activities....what's up with that?....little stinker!) My instinct is to grab her stearnly, yank her out of the car while raising my voice at her and then just leave the mess that I would eventually clean up later. But my "grace and truth" strategy went like this.....deep breathe, quick prayer "Lord give me patience with this precious child!", I quietly and calmly got my other daughter out of the car, got my purse and other belongings out of the way, picked up Taylor and asked her to look at my face, I said "Taylor, it isn't nice to spill your food all over. It makes a big mess and you are wasting all of that food on the floor. Now, here is the box, please pick up all of the crackers." Once she got started on her own I helped her along by holding the box open for her so it was easier to get them in. When she was finally done I told her again that it wasn't nice to waste the food and make a big mess. In her sweet little voice she sincerely said "I'm sorry Mommy for dumping the Goldfish." To which I snuggled her tight, thanked her for doig such a good job cleaning up and told her I forgave her and loved her.
I have learned from this book that grace and truth must always go together. "A child needs to know that you are on his side, and that is grace. He needs to know that you will give him reality, and that is truth." (pg. 64)

My Easter Lesson

2008-03-23T15:06:00.000-07:00

Our Easter morning was going great and I was real pleased that all of my preparation to make it special was paying off. The girls loved waking up to the jelly bean trail, and their easter baskets and the egg hunt, etc. Then it started to get later and we needed to get busy. We had to eat breakfast, shower, get the girls ready and out the door for church before meeting the rest of the family for brunch. I started to get really aggravated and annoyed with Mark, nagging at him for not doing exactly what I wanted him to be doing to help me out. All huffy, I stomped up the stairs and yelled down at him that I was getting in the shower.
As I showered, I prayed. (a regular ritual for me) I was able to calm down a little and remember how special this holiday was. I began to see that I was getting all wrapped up in the hype and the chaos and was missing the celebration. I asked God to help me see and appreciate the true joy of this day in our faith. I asked God to meet me right here in my life and show what He wanted me to know and learn and experience.
Minutes later I was back to the reality of the busy morning and feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated as I ran frantically from room to room trying to get everything ready for everyone. I started this conversation with myself, "And what about me? Huh? What is anyone doing for me? I do and do and do for everyone around here to make everything perfect and special and no one ever thinks about how much I put into it. Nobody has any idea how much time and thought and energy I put into this kind of stuff. There was the brunch reservations and the easter basket shopping and the egg decorating and getting up in the middle of the night to hide the silly eggs and the..."
And then right there in the middle my sad and pathetic and self-righteous pity party the Holy Spirit met me. And He answered my morning prayer by teaching me with this verse that rang loudly in my head..."For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28
I wonder what it must have felt like for Jesus, who came to this earth to do and do and do for everyone else, only to be treated and crucified like a criminal. But He was so amazing because He came, fully God, not to be served like a King, but to serve and even give his life for us.
God, help me to remember how you came to serve and help me to serve you and others with a more humble and happy heart.

Fields Of The Fatherless

2008-03-19T12:27:00.001-07:00

I just finished Fields Of The Fatherless by C. Thomas Davis. Here are some excerpts that spoke right to my heart and answered questions that I have been asking God about serving AIDS orphans in South Africa...

"The Lord has told us that He is the Father of the Fatherless; so, if we truly want to experience God we must go where He is-in the fields of the fatherless. It is in this place where God reveals Himself." page 11

"...God's joy could be mine when I participated with Him in doing something that mattered so much to Him!" page 26

"If you searched the Bible from front to back, you'd find many issues close to God's heart. But you'd notice three groups of people coming up again and again...Allow me to introduce you to those God continually draws our attention to. They are the orphans, widows, and strangers. What these people have in common is their desperate need of provision and protection. They are the weak, the under-privileged, and the needy among us...Cleary, the protection and well being of this group are one of God's great and constant concerns. So much so, in fact, that he defines Who He is by His promises to them. Consider his promise to provide:
"A father of the fatherless, a defender of widows,
Is God in his holy habitation.
God sets the solitary in families;
He brings out those who are bound into prosperity. (Psalm 68:5-6)" page 26-27

"God gave the responsibility to care for the defenseless to those claiming to be followers of Christ. It is through our hands the Father's love comes, it is through our voices His voice is heard, it is through our efforts and those of the church that his care is revealed to the ones the rest of the world has forgotten." page 33

"As we focus on fulfilling what is on God's heart, looking ahead to the joy he promises-we help others find the love of God through the giving of ourselves. That's the ultimate goal!" page 77

"...Jesus spoke to the very heart of the matter. "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." (John 14:18). page 130

"This is the greatest need to be met in our day-to know our true Father. Knowing Him brings definition, fulfillment, and completion to our lives. It truly answers the questions of our existence, yesterday, today and tomorrow. God is our Father." page 130

"The more we become the hands, the feet, the love of Jesus, the more joy we find. We give, and we end up receiving much more than we could ever imagine...After all is said and done, when we sincerely ask God the question, "If I could live my life doing only one thing, what would You want me to do?" page 133

"As you walk through the fields of the fatherless
Your light will break forth like the morning!
And the life you live will no longer seem mundane and meaningless.
Instead, every minute will be filled with joy, purpose and significance.
And when this life is over and you stand face-to-face with the Father,
what a reward will be in store for you!
Because you saw the face of Jesus in the face of the lost and lonely,
God will see His Son in your eyes.
Because you cared more about what He care most about-
God will recognize you as his faithful partner.
And because you made every effort to express in simple ways the Father's love
the smallest deeds you did for the least of these will count greatly for all eternity." page 134

I Had No Idea What 2 Years Could Do

2008-03-19T08:07:00.000-07:00

Today I celebrate the 2 year anniversary of my baptism. (and of both my daughers!!)
I had no idea that my life would look like this today. I had no idea what the heart of God was really like. I had no idea who Jesus Christ was and what He offered to those who followed Him. I had no idea that my life would be headed in this direction. I had no idea that it really wasn't all about me, that I could find true peace and joy in Christ and in looking outside of my own self. I had no that these would be the words that God would really put in my heart to live by....I had no idea!!

"Share your food with the hungry,
and give your shelter to the homeless.
Give clothes to those who need them,
and do not hide from relatives who need your help.
Then your salvation will come like the dawn,
and your wounds will quickly heal.
Your godliness will lead you forward,
and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.
Then, when you call, the Lord will answer.
'Yes, I am here,' he will quickly reply."
Isaiah 58:7-9

Take Up Your Cross

2008-03-17T19:27:00.001-07:00

My next door neighbor, Lisa, has become one of my dearest friends. Over the last 9 months we have shared 2 very important passions together. One is running (we workout together 6 days a week at 5am! We ran a half marathon in January and are now training for a duathlon in April!) And the other is working alongside Acres of Love to rescue and care for abandoned AIDS orphans in South Africa. Lisa has also been invited to go to SA in October and together we are carefully wrestling with this big decision. We are prayerfully considering this risky and life changing trip and as sisters in Christ we want to be sure of God's will in each of our lives as we struggle through this discernment process.
A few Saturdays ago we were running along the San Juan river bed. We were jamming that morning, running so hard and strong as we talked about what we thought God might be wanting to use our lives for, what purpose does He want us to serve, and if we felt we were being called to go to South Africa. We made a joke that it sure would be nice if God would just give us a clear sign in regards to his will for us in this decision. Immediately our attention was drawn down to the ground in front of us as we ran past a small, wooden, hand made cross on the ground. We both freaked out!! Wow, there's a sign for us! I turned back and bent down to grab the cross and as I stood up a scripture came to me and I said out loud...."Take up your cross and follow me." I carried that cross for the rest of our run, getting some strange looks from passers by! It now hangs on my kitchen wall.
This past Sunday at church one of the pastors did his sermon on that very scripture. Strange coincidence?
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If any of you want to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it."
-Matthew 16: 24-25
My bible commentary says this about the verse "When Jesus used this pictures of his followers taking up their crosses to follow him, the disciples knew what he meant. Crucifixion was a common Roman method of execution, and condemned criminals had to carry their cross through the streets to the execution site. Following Jesus, therefore, meant a true commitment, the risk of death, and no turning back...Real discipleship implies real commitment-pledging our whole existence to his service. If we try to save our physical life from death, pain, or discomfort, we may risk losing eternal life. If we protect ourselves from the pain that God calls us to suffer, we begin to die spiritually and emotionally. Our lives turn inward, and we lose our intended purpose. When we give our life in service to Christ, we discover the real purpose of living."

"Be Careful What You Wish For...

2008-03-13T08:44:00.000-07:00

...you just might get it all...you just might get it all!"
by Chris Daughtry

I would say that second to the blessings that I ask for in regards to health and safety and strong faith for my family, one of my most frequent prayers goes something like this...
"God, thank you! Thank you for everything that you have done for me. Thank you for saving my life and for inviting me into this relationship with you. Thank you for loving me and accepting me even though I never did anything to deserve it. I am so humbled by your love, so overwhelmed by how good you are and I want to be in your presence all the time. I want to live my life totally committed to you, following you, being transformed by you. I want to be a light to shine in this world for you. I want to share your love with everyone. Your plan for saving this world is so, so perfect and I want to be a part of it. God change me and mold me and make me better. Lord use my life to bring you glory so that the the world will turn to you. I want everyone to know you and be in the middle of your love. I know that you are the answer, that you are the way to real freedom and peace and joy. I want to make a difference for you. I want to help you and serve you and dedicate my life to you. Use me Lord, use me."
I talk like this with God all the time. I have this deep, unquenchable desire to really step up and step out to make a difference for God and I have begged him countless times to use me for his glory.
I wonder if this opportunity to serve these sick, traumatized, helpless orphans in South Africa is His personal invitation?

The Desires of My Heart

2008-03-11T18:31:00.000-07:00

"There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs."
-Captivating; Unveiling the Mystery Of A Woman's Soul

Mark and I met with our pastor last week to help navigate through a decision that is weighing on us. Since my involvement with an amazing organization called Acres of Love, I have found my life taking on a whole new purpose and direction. I feel very passionate about the work that Acres is doing to rescue and care for abandoned AIDS orphans in South Africa. I worked hard for months to plan a fundraiser to help with the costs for medical care for one very sick little girl in one of their homes and it was a smashing success. The organization has invited me to go to South Africa in October to meet the kids and see first hand how the program works.
My heart says to go, but head is freaking out. It's a dangerous country and I am the mother to 2 young girls. Is this the right season of life for me to do this? Is this where God wants me? Is He "calling" me to go there and be a part of this important cause? I asked my pastor "How do I know if this is God's will for me or if this is just me trying to fulfill some selfish desire?"
He answered, "God gives us the desires of our heart."
God made me to be a crazy romantic, a passionate bleeding heart, a natural servant, an obligated doer and my heart is aching to help these children in South Africa and make a real difference in their lives.
God, help me to know what you want me to do.

Every Square Inch

2008-01-18T05:53:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago, Pastor Tod's sermon posed the question, "What would it look like if God were running EVERY SQUARE INCH of your life?"
Hmmm...I wondered....what WOULD it look like if God were totally in charge of everything in my life? Would things be different? What would change about my life? What WOULD it look like if God were running my marriage, my parenting, my friendships and family relationships, my free time, my phone calls, emails, to do-list, my actions and words, etc?
I tend to think that I'm doing a pretty good job in my walk with God. I've come a long, long way in the last few years and I feel that I am sincerely committed to God, to studying His word, to being a good disciple of Christ. And then this question comes up, and I am hit head on with my pride and my ego. Yes, I'm doing pretty good, but surely, I started to realize, I still have a lot more to learn and my life still has a lot of areas that I haven't really given over completely to God. I started to see how my feelings of righteousness might start to get in the way of really surrendering to God and giving him control of all areas. Once we start to think that we are doing real good in our walk with God, that we are doing just fine on our own, is when we start to forget how much we need God and his grace. We start to rely on our own strength and wisdom, we start to push or own agenda and make our own list of priorities. This is when we are embarking on trouble. This is when we distance ourselves from God, forget about His agenda and plan and we start be be the God of our own lives. From Tod's question, I realized that while I was making improvements, I still desperately needed to rely on God to run every square inch of my life.
Since I heard this question, I have been rolling it around a lot in my head when dealing with day to day situations. And I've realized that if God were really running every square inch of my life, it would look a lot different. When I have found myself at a cross-road in making a decision, I try to recite "EVERY SQUARE INCH" and it reminds me to try to look at things through God's eyes so that I can make the right choice.
"For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted." Luke 18:14

Law or Love?

2008-01-05T08:16:00.000-08:00

My father-in-law and I met for coffee back in November and had a loving debate about religion. We went back and forth over whether it was more important to follow the laws, do right, and be good (his side!) or love God above all else and put the emphasis on your relationship with Him. (my side!)
I was doing my bible study homework this morning and studied this in Matthew. Point for me!!!! (hehe!)

In Matthew 12:
"At about that time Jesus was walking through some grainfields on the Sabbath. His disciples were hungry, so they began breaking off some heads of grain and eating them. But some Pharisees saw them do it and protested, "Look, your disciples are breaking the law by harvesting grain on the Sabbath.
Jesus said to them..."I tell you, there is one here who is even greater than the Temple! But you would not have condemned my innocent disciples if you knew the meaning of the Scripture: 'I want you to show mercy, not offer sacrifices.' For the Son of Man is Lord, even over the Sabbath!"

When Jesus refers to the scriptures, he is talking about Hosea 6:6, "I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings."

The Pharisees could not see beyond their law's technicalities. They had no room for compassion, and they were determined to accuse Jesus of wrongdoing. Jesus was not condoning disobedience to God's laws, he was emphasizing discernment and compassion in enforcing the laws. The 10 Commandments require the Sabbath to be kept holy. The Pharisees had interpreted that to require a long list of actions that could not be done on the Sabbath, forcing people to rest. But the purpose of the Sabbath is to rest and worship God. The Pharisees had lost the spirit of the law and were rigidly demanding that the law be obeyed. They were so concerned with the religious rituals that they missed the whole purpose of the law- to bring people to God. If we become more concerned with the law, then we will miss God even as we think we are obeying him. When Jesus quotes Hosea, he tells us that our heart attitude toward God comes first. Only then can we properly obey and observe religious regulations and rituals.

What It's All About

2007-12-30T07:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with the task of sharing my faith with people. I want to, because I want people to know what an awesome difference God has made in my life, and I want them to come to know this God too. But, it's such a huge topic, and I never know where to begin, how to explain it, what to tell. I try to come up with proof for the Bible, evidence for the life of Jesus, answers to all the big questions. It's so daunting, seems impossible to explain, and I really don't understand it all well enough myself.
As I sort of soaked in the concept of the "fruit of the spirit" from my last blog, I began to get this reassuring feeling that God wants us to share Him with people exactly this way....by letting his spirit come into your life, change you, produce good fruit, and then just give Him the credit for it. The Lord wants to be glorified for all the great things He does in your life so that people will take notice of Him, become interested in his true saving power and then turn to Him themselves. This is how we share the gospel, the Good News of Jesus Christ, the real message of the redeeming work that God is still doing everyday. ,
"I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every brach of mine that doesn't produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so that they will produce even more. You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me. " John 15:1-4 "When you produce much fruit, you are truly my disciples. tis brings much glory to my Father." John 15:7
These teaching about the fruit of the spirit and the vine and the branches might very well be my most favorite that I have learned. It seems to me that this is what God is all about. He is in the business of saving people. He wants to come into your life, move into your heart, prune you and purify you, change you, improve you, make you better, more whole. Then he wants you to just remain in Him, rely on him to be your source of true life, and then just give him the credit for all the amazing and miraculous things He has done in your life so that other will take notice and turn to him also. It's so beautiful, so perfect, so awesome, so overwhelming and glorious.

The Best Compliment I Have Ever Recieved

2007-12-27T08:03:00.000-08:00

Mark and I went out for dinner last night. Over a delicious meal and a nice conversation, he gave me the best compliment I have ever received. He said "You are extraordinary at life!"
He continued on to explain that he thought most people look back on their life and wish that they did things differently. He guessed that most people wish they focused more time and attention on their family, on time spent with their friends, on their spiritual journey, on eating healthy and taking care of their bodies and on giving back to society. He told me that he was impressed by my priorities, my motivation and the way I lived my life focused on these things.
I was flattered, speechless and proud. But I couldn't really take all the credit.
As I began to talk about this more with Mark and reflect on my life, I realized that I have always tried to live my life this way. I have always had a pretty clear idea of what it takes to live life the "right way." But, honestly, up until the last couple of years, although I was close to doing it right, I could never really get it all together at the same time. I would be really good at this part for awhile, then really good at that part for awhile, but I fell tragically short of doing it all right at the same time.
Until I added God into the equation...AND PUT HIM FIRST. Once my faith matured a little and I truly handed my heart and life over to God, everything else seemed to fall into the right place. It was as if He truly completed me, made me whole, filled up all the empty places in my life and made the puzzle fit nicely together.
When I am right with God, when I am focused on Him, in communion with Him, when I am submitting to Him, when I am putting Him in control of my life, when I am truly trusting Him, when I am spending regular time in his word and seeking Him in every moment...life just works better. And when that is all true in my relationship with Him, I seem to have the blissful and sure feeling that this is what life is all about, that this is how it's supposed to be, that I am getting it right. And really, I can't take credit for all the goodness, because it's the God part of the whole thing that makes it work just right.
"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23

Save Me My Savior

2007-12-24T13:44:00.000-08:00

Heavenly Father,
Thank you for coming to this earth in Jesus Christ. Thank you for becoming flesh and blood that we could see and touch and hear and interact with. Thank you for coming to save us, for showing us the way to true freedom, to peace and everlasting life. Thank for you coming into my life a couple of years ago. Thank you for still being that Savior that accepts me, forgives me, guides me, teaches me and loves me. Thank you for who you are to me and to this world still in so much pain. Lord, I pray that you will continue to reveal your truth to me, that you will continue to work within me, changing my heart, making my faith for you stronger, my commitment to you deeper, my love for you more and more. I pray that I will be open to your leading in my life, that I will act according to your plan and purpose, that I will allow you to work in and through me. I pray that you will make me a strong leader in my home for my family and a shining example for everyone in my life. God I surrender my heart to you. I give you my life so that I might live for you. Please forgive me for the ways that I am still so doubtful, for the ways that I allow my selfish desires to control the way I act and speak. Please continue to save me, my Savior. I need you. I love you.
In Christ's Name I pray,
Amen

Exclusive or All Inclusive?

2007-11-15T08:03:00.000-08:00

Mark and I are reading "The Case For Christ: Student Edition" by Lee Strobel as he prepares for his role as Small Group leader for the 9th grade boys at our church.
We read a part the other night that really stuck with me. As I become more and more comfortable in my role as a Christian, I still struggle with the "who gets to go to heaven" part. It always seemed to me that when Christians claimed that only those who believe in and devote their life to Christ "get in" that it was really arrogant and not very accepting and welcoming. I knew that this truth was clearly stated in the Bible, but I still didn't fully understand it or feel good about it. Then we read it explained this way...and I am feeling a little better...
"One of Jesus' most outrageous claims is this "I am the way and the truth and life. No one comes to the Father except through me." (John 14:6) Of all the incredible statements Jesus made, this is the one I found most offensive. If anyone else had said it, he'd be blasted as exclusive, intolerant, and narrow-minded. It's one thing to claim to be "a" way-but the "only" way to God? That sounds pretty judgmental....But as I looked into the claims of Christianity, I discovered one big difference between it and other religions. Other religions are based on people doing something to earn the favor of God. They must perform good deeds, chant the right words...or faithfully follow other religious drills. By contrast, Christianity is based on what, according to the Bible, Christ has already done on the cross. According to the Bible, nobody can do anything to earn God's favor; rather, Jesus offers forgiveness and eternal life as a gift. Imagine two college frat houses. The first has a strict set of rules and allows in only people who have earned their membership....No matter how hard they try, a lot of people just wont make the cut. They'll be excluded. That's what every other religion is like...But the other house throws it's doors wide open and says, "Anybody who wants membership is invited inside! Rich or poor, black or white, honor student or rebel, we would love to include you. All you need to get in is to accept the invitation." That, according to the bible, is what Christianity is like."

Temper Tantrums

2007-11-13T06:12:00.001-08:00

My soon to be 4 year old daughter, Katelyn (her birthday is next week!!) has had an awful 4 days. She has had the stomach flu and it's been so hard on her. (and her parents!) I will spare you the gross details, but she was really having a rough time. She seems to be on the mend now and I pray that she wakes up this morning with that sparkle back in her big blue eyes!
Last night she was so irritable and grouchy because she really wanted to eat something and I kept telling her "no." She was having a difficult enough time keeping sips of water down. She got in her head that she needed to have some yogurt. She was furious that I wouldn't let her have some. She threw a temper tantrum, was crying, yelling, kicking at me, begging for me to let her have it. Poor thing, she was so hungry and couldn't understand why I was depriving her. Bless her heart, I've taught her so well, she was saying things like "You're really hurting my feelings. Yogurt is healthy. Let me have some healthy food!" As much as it broke my heart not to give her what she wanted, I knew that I was doing the right thing. I knew that I was making this tough choice on her behalf out of my love and care for her. I knew that she couldn't see that I was withholding this from her because I had her best interest in mind. All she cared about was her discomfort in that moment and she thought that she knew what was best. But from my bigger perspective, as much as it hurt me to tell her no, I knew that I couldn't grant her request. Maybe when she is better she'll understand and see that I love her, that I am always for her and that she can trust that I will take care of her the best way possible.
Isn't this how God must feel in dealing with us?
Over the last several months, I must have looked a lot like Katelyn to God. With Mark out of work, I have been crying, yelling, kicking, begging for God to fix our problem, throwing temper tantrums every time I didn't get what I wanted. It wasn't yogurt that I demanded, but it was any and every job that he interviewed for. I would pray so diligently for God to work it all out so that Mark would get hired. Then we would get the dreaded call that they really loved him, but it wasn't going to work out. I just couldn't understand what God was doing and was trying so hard to trust that he would come through, but I was getting really good at these temper tantrums.
Mark got offered a sweet position yesterday with a great company and we are beside ourselves with relief and joy!!
As I look back over it now, it's so clear how God had his hand in every detail of this experience. The position that Mark ended up with is the best of all of the opportunities that he pursued. It is perfectly suited for his personality and gifts, it will provide abundantly for our family and truly is better than we could have hoped for. Had God listened to my begging and pleading months ago, Mark would be in a position that isn't nearly as good.
I was so uncomfortable in our circumstance and upset with God for depriving me what I was asking for. As much as it must have broken God's heart not to give me what I wanted, He knew that he was doing the right thing. God was making this tough choice on our behalf out of his love and care for us. He knew that he was withholding these jobs from us because He had our best interest in mind, had something incredible in store for us and needed us to be patient and trust Him. From his bigger perspective, as much as it hurt him to tell me no repeatedly, He couldn't grant my request. Now that things are better, we understand and see so clearly that God indeed loves us, that He is always here for us and that we can trust that He will take care of us the best way possible.
In our own little worlds, as we make these selfish demands on God, thinking we know what is best for us, it can sometimes seem like God isn't listening. When things aren't happening the way we want, when our prayers for this or that aren't being granted, it can feel like God has abandoned us and isn't answering us. But we have to know that He never leaves, that sometimes his not answering is exactly His answer. He just wants for us to be patient, faithfully patient, never doubting his power or plan. I'm sorry I doubted this time, because He surely answered, and I pray that I can remember this the next time I throw a temper tantrum.

It's Strange Until You Know Him

2007-11-12T11:57:00.000-08:00

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my savior

I take him at his word and deed
Christ died to save me, this I read
And in my heart I find the need
Of Him to be savior

That He would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count as strange, so once did I
Before I knew my savior

"My Savior, My God" by Aaron Shust

Complaining In The Wilderness

2007-11-09T06:12:00.000-08:00

I'm such an Israelite!
Just in my last blog I was singing God's praises for the miraculous work that He has done in my heart and recently in Mark's. I was giving Him all the credit and all the glory for the way He is able to change people, arrange circumstances and truly make a difference in the lives of His creation. My faith was at an all time high as I could testify to the power of God's holy spirit in my very own life.
It wasn't but just a couple of days later that I was pouting, arms crossed, lips all puffed out and a sour attitude. Things weren't going as I was hoping they would. It's been a couple of months now that Mark hasn't been working, and I just can't understand why he isn't getting the jobs he's gone after. He's brilliant, successful, hard working and never had an issue getting a job. I found myself having conversations with God that sounded a lot like "Why God? Why are you doing this to us? Why isn't he getting a job? What are we supposed to do? Where are you in all of this? What is your solution? Your answer? Your plan? Is there something that you want us to learn here? Some big "ah ha!" that we are supposed to see? Can you please reveal it to me? Let's get this learning and growing this over with....quick!"
Yep, sound familiar? Just like the Israelites that we read about in Exodus and condemn for such a rotten attitude after all that God had done for them. Here He had lead them safely out of Egypt, out of years and years of slavery, performed miracle after miracle right before their eyes, protected them, saved them, rescued them, and proven himself trustworthy and reliable. They safely got to the other side of the Red Sea, had a huge time of worship where they sang songs to the Lord and proclaimed Him triumphant, powerful, majestic and glorious. Then what happens, they have a few hard days in the wilderness without food and begin to wonder if the Lord will provide for them. They start grumbling, crying out, complaining and doubting. And let's not forget, they do this, only to be embarrassed when God provides them with an abundance of food.
I know that I too will be embarrassed. (i hope sooner rather than later!) I know that God has a plan for my family, that He already has every last detail worked out, that He has our very best interest in mind, that He has something so wonderful up His sleeve, more wonderful than we could plan on our own. Our challenge now is to just trust Him. We have to hang on to those miraculous things that He has done for us in the past and know that He again will prove victorious.

He Answers

2007-10-31T06:27:00.000-07:00

When Mark and I got marreid, he knew what he was getting into with me, knew my beliefs (or lack thereof!) and my feelings about church and religion. I made it very clear that I did not believe in God. It made him so angry when I would say that. Not that he was some super religious guy, more that it was "just something you shouldn't say!" Mark was raised Catholic, but wasn't exactly in touch with his spiritual side.
Then all of a sudden, the girl he once knew has this life changing event happen, and now says she is going to try out church. After I went to one particlular church for awhile, and really loved it, I started meeting with the pastor, reading Christian books, reading the actual Bible, going to Bible study, attending church more than once a week and volunteering with the high school group. At first, Mark thought this was just a fad, something that would soon pass. But he began to see that it was really picking up steam and that I was really committed to this. He soon realized that I truly believed in God and he began to notice that God was really making a difference in my life, changing me at the core, repriortizing my life and transforming me into a whole new person.
When I started asking Mark to go to chuch with me, he made it very clear that while he was happy for me and supportive of my faith journey, he didn't want me pressuring him or pushing all my new beliefs on him or judging him, etc. So I tried to really back off. I took the advice of my pastor, shut my mouth and just let my actions and my life speak to how much of a difference Christ was making in me. I later invited him, casually, to church. Finally he accepted. He went, he liked it there a lot and attended with me pretty regularly, but never really got too involved. For 2 years, I have been praying and praying for him and having close Christian friends of mine praying and praying for him. I wanted him to open his heart and allow God to work in him. I wanted him to really give his faith a chance by honestly seeking God and learning more about Christ, questioning, discussing, praying, etc. I tried to stay out of it and let God do the work. I trusted that God wanted this relationship with Mark more than I even knew, and that he was doing all he could to call Mark to him. But I knew Mark, and he can be a stubborn guy who likes to prove his point to me, and I wondered if he would ever really give this faith thing a fair shot. All I could do was give it over to God.
A couple of weeks ago Mark stepped up to be the Freshman boys small group leader at our church. PRAISE!!
We started praying together. PRAISE!!
We have been reading Case for Christ together. PRAISE!!
On Saturday I felt this overwhelming feeling that I should go buy Mark a Bible. So I had him watch the kids while I went to "run errands." I nervously, so nervously picked out the most masculine looking Bible I could find. I kept thinking "what am I doing? He's not going to like this. This is going to push it too far. He's gonna be really uncomfortable with this!!" But there was something in me that kept pusing me to do it. So I bought it. And a card where I wrote a long note to him, inviting him to truly open his heart and give God a chance to change his life. We went out for dinner that night and I soooo nervously gave him the gift. He happily accepted the Bible and the invitation to try God out. PRAISE!!
Mark and I decided to join a small group at our church together, where as a family we will meet with 3 other young families every other week and have dinner, discussions, pray and challenge and encourage eachother in our faith. PRAISE!!
I tell you, no job is too big for God. If he can create the universe, he can surely soften the heart of one of his own creation. I will continue to pray that God does a mighty work in Mark so that he can also experience the peace in Christ that surpasses all understanding.

Loves Of My Life

2007-10-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

How Christians Deal With Tragedy: So Cal Fires

2007-10-25T06:40:00.001-07:00

While a good part of Southern California is engulfed in flames and many of our neighbors are being evacuated from thier homes and losing everything....this is what Christians do....(or at least what the amazing people of San Clemente Presbyterian Church have done over the last couple of days!):
- we welcome in strangers who show up in their parking lot, give them shelter, food, a place to rock their babies
- we line up with relief items like food, blankets, clothes, hygeine care, diapers, wipes, baby formula
- we compile a long list of people who are happily waiting to take a displaced family back to their home to provide them with a bed, shower, food, support
- we gather together in the evening, pray and pray for familes who are displaced and afraid, sing songs of worship, pray and pray for firefighters, governments officials, people in leadership making tough decisions, listen to the word of God, pray and pray as a whole congregation, pray n silenc, pray in small groups. We know that God hears our prayers. "If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among you." Mattew 18:19-20
- we don't pretend to understand, to have answers for why these things happen
- we put our faith in God, knowing that He is a good God, a loving God and righteous God. We remember that He has promised that He has a plan for this world, that He is in control, "we know that God causes everything to work together good." Romans 8:28
-we somehow find a quiet ad faithful peace in all of this tragedy. "Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all that he has done, They you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand." Philippians 4:6-7

Today's Call: Bread

2007-10-09T14:38:00.000-07:00

God works in amazing ways, it's awesome! After writing the entry this morning on God's call being wherever there is a need, God put a need right in front of me.
Mark is serving on jury duty today, so the girls and I went to meet him for lunch during his break. As we were sitting out on the lovely patio and "Pat and Oscar's" chowing down on our delicious breadsticks, salad, ribs and chicken, I noticed a man standing about 20 yards away, asking people for money as they left the restaurant.
So I approached him. I asked what it was he needed, he said "I'm hungry." I went inside, got an extra plate, some silverware, a big glass of water, and filled up the plate with several breadsticks, salad and my chicken. I invited him to sit at the table next to ours and eat. He excitedly accepted.
Now, I have always had the heart that made me do stuff like this, So coming to know God hasn't transformed me into a "giver." But this time was different, because when I placed the meal in front of him I leaned in close, put my hand on his shoulder, looked him in the eye and said "God bless you." I wanted him to know that I was doing this in the name of God, because I wanted him to know that God loved him and I was just his humble servant fulfilling my call to reach out and love my neighbor. And I wanted him to know that he too could, if he didn't already, be in close relationship with the God that moves people to service and generosity. Because we can feed hungry people breadsticks all day long, but God is the true source of nourishment and the real "bread of life."
"I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me has eternal life. Yes, I am the bread of life!...I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread will live forever."
-John 6:47-51

God's Call

2007-10-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

"God is calling you to where the need is" -Mother Theresa

Among this new Christian community that I am hanging out with, there is a lot of talk about "God's call." It refers to the direction in life that you are taking, because you feel that God is calling you, or telling you, or strongly suggesting to you, that you move in this direction or that. If you are truly commited to God, want to please Him, want to fulfill His purpose for your life and be a part of his redeeming plan for this world, you would feel that "God's call" is a divine order to take part in.
This "call" can be pretty ambiguos, and is hard to decifer and know for sure. How do you know what God is calling you to do? How can you be certain of his will for your life? How will you be sure that it's His call and not your own desire?
I heard this woman quote Mother Theresa the other day, saying that she never felt that God had specifically called her to any particular act of service. She just saw a need and knew that God wanted her to meet those needs for other people.
So, while we Christians sit around waiting for God's divine call in our lives, maybe we ought to just look around, see where there is a need and do something about it. Maybe it's being a good mom, taking care of your kids and devoting a certain season of your life to that. Maybe it's being a hard working employee, always doing right and being honest and demonstrating with your life the difference that God makes. Maybe it's being the helpful neighbor who is always willing to help out, make a meal, run an errand, or lend a hand. Maybe it's the person who feels a deep desire to help out in their church, or volunteer with troubled teens, or give their time and talents to a local non profit organization. Maybe it's the stranger you walk by, that makes the first move to say a warm and heartfelt "hello, how are you?" as if they really care. This call can take on any shape or form, but it does a few things in every place and circumstance...it loves God, it is ready to serve Him and his people with a humble heart, it sees a need and it fills it in order to be a part of God's plan to save this world.

The Side Effects Of A Strict Training Program

2007-10-02T06:05:00.000-07:00

I am training for the Carlsbad Half Marathon. I get up at 5:00am, 6 days a week and workout. 4 of the days I run and 2 of the days I cross train, doing the elliptical machine and weights. I enjoy having a schedule like this to follow, a routine to rely on. I am feeling accomplished and healthy and quite proud of myself.
I am also eating really healthy, mostly whole, organic foods, lots of protein and fruits and veggies and a ton of water. I have to properly nourish my body to sustain this level of energy and I have definitely noticed a difference in how I feel.
The other morning I was down on the floor, working my abs, my legs were extended up in the air. I looked down and noticed how much more firm and strong my legs looked. Wow, awesome! And I have also began to notice that my pants are loose. Sweet! For the first time I wasn't exactly trying to lose weight or diet, but the side effects of being focused on a healthy exercise goal were that my body just naturally starting shaping up.
I realized it's very similar to what has happened to me as I have become a committed Christian and student of the Bible. I follow a pretty strict routine in that respect too, attending church on Sundays, 2 Bible studies a week, leading the 10th and 11th grade girls, and spending quiet time reading and praying about 5 days a week.
I can't say that I can remember a specific time when I noticed a change in my "spiritual shape," but I have definitely shaped up. And really, this is the first time that I wasn't exactly trying to change things about myself or improve certain qualities, but the side effects of being focused on the Lord and in studying His word were that my heart and soul just naturally started shaping up.
And neither of these improvements came without sweat and tears! The marathon workouts have been hard for me and the long runs are getting longer and harder. I nearly stopped in the middle of a run the other day in tears because I had just run up a hill (mountain!!) that nearly killed me and I was feeling tired, weak and incapable of being able to complete a marathon someday. But I pushed on and there came the downhill part and I recovered and finished the run with a smile.
Similarly, giving my life to Christ has not been all easy. As I read the Bible and learn more about God and Jesus, it's like a mirror. I began to see my reflection and all of the ugliness about me that was so covered up and hidden. I was forced to really take an honest inventory of my life, my priorities, my words and actions and deeds. And sometimes my faith in God was a struggle and I wanted to just close the Book and forget about it. But during those time I would give those doubts and fears and anxieties over to God, he would somehow calm me, and I have since come a long, long way. I know that I will finish this journey with a smile too!

"Bible Banger" in Training

2007-09-25T08:29:00.000-07:00

My 2 year old daugther, Taylor, is well on her way to becoming a "Bible Banging, Jesus Freak!" For the last several weeks, she's been dragging around this big children's Bible and nearly shoving it in anyone's face that she can, demanding "read the Bible book!" I just imagine that God is looking down on her and giggling like crazy.

What Are You Doing At 5:10am?

2007-09-24T12:37:00.000-07:00

Monday through Friday, at 5:10am, I begin my workout. Three days of the week I run, two of the days I cross train. Then on Saturdays I get to sleep in a little, until 6:45am, then it's off to the beach trail for my "long run." Sundays, I rest!
I am training for the Carlsbad Half Marathon (13.1 mi) on January 20th. I am really enjoying the commitment I've made, the training process, the new shape my body is taking....and the new reason for my run.....

http://www.firstgiving.com/kimberlycampbell

Who Am I?

2007-09-20T06:16:00.000-07:00

Well, summer seems like a distant memory! My girls and I have already decorated the house with all the fall decorations. (Mark taught Katelyn to say "mommy, you have ants in your pants!!") Yesterday was cool and crisp, it even sprinkled during my morning run. And at 4am this morning we were pleasantly surprised with a rain storm.
But I have been spending a lot of my time lately reflecting on this past summer. Every other Thursday morning, one of my Pastors, Lisa, and I would meet for coffee. We spent the summer months going through a "discipleship." I spent time every day doing homework in a great workbook called "Walking With Christ," then we would meet, go over the questions and discuss all sorts of great things related to becoming a disciple of Jesus Christ. I learned so much from her and my reading of Scripture, and I was especially challenged to really look hard at myself and all the things that keep me from truly becoming a faithful disciple of Jesus.
All of our lessons came together beautifully as we finished with the last chapter called "Walking As a Servant." At the beginning of the lesson it said "Mature followers of Jesus are marked by what they will do for others without expecting anything in return." Geeze, I think that in most cases I expect a little something in return for the good deeds I do. It may not be a huge production, or a hand written thank you note, but at least the acknowledgement of my act of kindness. But then, I am missing the point in the act of service. I am "doing" in order to be recognized, complimented, appreciated. That certainly isn't how it all went down for Jesus.
There was a question in the lesson that I just can't shake off. (guess God really wants me to learn from this one, huh?!) It asked "consider that Jesus served even his betrayer. Who are the most difficult people for you to serve?" Pastor Lisa and I spent a considerable amount of time on this question and it really struck a cord with me. As we finished our time together that morning, she prayed for us, as she did every time. And she prayed for me and my family specifically, as she always did. This time she prayed that I would be able to serve those that are the hardest for me to serve. And she prayed that I would be able to see those people THROUGH THE EYES OF GOD. (The tears were flowing!!) It all became so clear to me as I realized I was judging people, as if I was so entitled, and then serving them based on what would fill me up some how. I wasn't really looking at people as a child of God, deserving of all that I was entitled to, and serving them with a pure heart to meet their deepest needs. See, each and every person on this earth, regardless of who they are, or what they've done, or where they are from, is made in the image of God. He loves everyone, every single person, with a genuine, unconditional love that we as humans will never understand. And Jesus Christ came to this earth for all of us, not just some of us. He offers His love and grace to everyone who will accept it. And who am I to withhold MY love, MY service, MY time, MY efforts, MY kindness, MY resources? Who am I to decide that God's commandments to love your neighbor are not fitting or applicable for this person or that circumstance? When I act in that attitude I am putting my self above God and saying that I know better than Him. Who am I to do that? I am just another child of God, totally desperate and dependent, no better than any other. And I pray that this lesson sticks with me and transforms me and brings me closer to being that "mature" follower.

We Are His Arms Of Love

2007-09-14T06:07:00.000-07:00

Some of the most profound and inspiring music that I have ever come across is on this CD that my kids and I love to listen to in the car. It's an awesome album by Jana Alayra, called Dig Down Deep. The music is so much fun and we crank it up and sing so loud as we drive around the streets of San Clemente. Really, there is something so beautiful about singing aloud with your kids, especially about God. To hear their little voices belt it out to Jesus....forget it....it brings to tears to my eyes everytime! There is one song in particular that has really moved me:

A penny in my pocket, a dollar in my shoe
When I give them up to Jesus, there's nothing he can't do
To feed the hungry neighbor, give shelter from the cold
Take a wounded heart and make it whole
Oh, we are one family
Oh, with the Son of God you see
Yes, He's calling us to be His arms of love, His arms love
We are His arms of love, we are His arms of love

How awesome is that? It's basically what we are called to do in one simple sentence...WE ARE HIS ARMS OF LOVE. We are to reach out to all people, everywhere, scoop them up, pull them in and embrace them. We are to be a constant reflection of his love and kindness and compassion. And not because we feel obligated in any way. But because we feel so blessed and overwhelmed by His love, that it's just a natural overflowing attitude of gratitude.
This is such a perfect plan for peace in the world and I am more and more amazed everyday as I learn of God's brilliance and simplicity in His work for saving this world. I am so honored to be a part of His family and a part of His plan to bring about peace and love. What a special calling. I think this song perfectly sums up the whole point of the Christian experience. I hope that my girls forever remember this song. I hope they have fond memories of how fantastic it felt to sing it so loud together. I hope that they take the lyrics to heart and live out the message in their lives. As a mother, I want nothing more for them, than to understand that God loves them so much that in turn they love others and open their arms.

WWJD

2007-09-11T08:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Mark's cousin called me. She asked me to babysit her little boy on Wednesday because she has to go to court, and she has no one else to take care of him. I was reluctant because not only do I have my own two munchkins to take care of, but I've been registered to start this great, intensive Community Bible Study that morning. I've been signed up for months and am so anxious to start the class.
I found myself in a tough situation....I should help her, but I'm really spread thin with my own two kids, but I should help her, but I really want to start this Bible study, but I should help her, but, but, but...
I thought to myself, as I do many times when I am trying to navigate through a decision...WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
So, I agreed to watch her son. Right away I was proud of myself for making the "right choice."
But I quickly became kind of bugged and resentful and not too thrilled about what I was giving up in order to help her.
And so I thought to myself again....WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
It's not that he would just choose to serve, but he would do it humbly, with a happy heart, not feeling proud and puffed up about it because he was doing the "right" thing, but he would simply do it out of love.
I am trying, really trying, to have that kind of heart, as I serve my family out of love. It's easier to make the "right choice" because you know that's the action Jesus would take. It's much harder to follow through and do it, heart and all, like Jesus would.

My Toe Nails Are Way Ahead Of My Heart

2007-09-08T07:05:00.000-07:00

September 1st was a special day for me. Not only was it my mom's bday (happy belated mom, love ya!), but it marked the anniversary of the beginning of my relationship with God. We just celebrated 2 years together!
I have been doing some deep reflecting on the changes in my life over the last couple of years. I have made some major transformations...or rather....God has made some major transformations in me! I have entered into a committed and dependent relationship with Christ, I go to church, I was baptized, I am a fascinated and devoted student of the Bible, I listen to Christian Radio, I wear a cross around my neck, I serve as a leader for the high school ministry, I have simplified, re prioritized and slowed down...a little. I am not as driven by material gain or status, by fashion or trends. It just doesn't seem that important to me anymore. If you knew me two years ago...and you know me now....one of the biggest indications of the change in me is my unpedicured toes!!! I never would have gone more than 3 weeks without getting my toes painted and my feet massaged, and I wouldn't have been caught dead with "the natural" look in flip flops! Well, here I sit, no polish on my toes, and flip flops are part of my summer uniform. I am a changed woman! Something in me just feels free not to worry about that anymore, where 2 years ago, anxiety would have taken over my day if a toe nail chipped. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with having nicely pedicured toes, and I intend to still enjoy that on special occasions, but for ME, this is a huge sign of the changes going on.
But I am sad to report that I don't feel like my insides have made such impressive improvements. I still find myself regularly grouchy, snapping at my husband and children, still gossiping and judging people and feeling insecure and depressed and inadequate. I still struggle with so many "issues" and wonder when my insides will really start to heal. I want so much to be a good person, to feel secure in my own skin, to be at peace, to love others always, to treat people with kindness, but the truth is that I still have so far to go. Hopefully, in another 2 years, I will be able to report that God has helped me break free of some of these old struggles.

Happy Birthday Taylor Love

2007-08-30T06:03:00.000-07:00

Father God,
Thank you for the gift of my daughter Taylor Love. Thank you for blessing my life with her 2 years ago. Thank you for entrusting her into my care and for giving me the opportunity to know her and love her and raise her. She is such a precious girl, so full of craziness and silliness and energy. She is bright and loving and funny and has been such a blessing to our whole family. Her birth 2 years ago drew me to you God, and for that, I praise you!
Father, I pray for her protection. I pray that you will keep her safe and healthy. I pray that you will watch over her always, being before her and after her and all around her. I pray that her mind will be sharp and her heart will be strong.
Above all else Lord, I pray that she will love you. I pray that she will seek you and want to know you and long to learn about you and serve you. I know God that if she commits her life to you, that she will be filled with joy, she will be purposeful and confident and self assured, she will be peaceful, humble, loving. I know that if she truly loves you she will surround herself with good friends, and make good choices and do good. And I know that if she accepts your love and grace and sincerely believes that she has a purpose, your purpose, she will grow up feeling good about herself, feeling whole and complete. I know Lord, that a life devoted to you does not always ensure ease and comfort, but it does ensure a hope and a promise. Lord, fill Taylor with that hope, with a strong faith and bless her with a life that brings you glory.
Please help me to be a good mother for her. Give me the wisdom and patience and discernment that I need. Help me to be a good example for her. Fill me with your spirit, with your light, so that she sees your love in me. Use me as an instrument to reach her and teach her and draw her near to you.
In Christ's name I pray,
Amen

Sign Me Up To Be Blessed

2007-08-29T06:23:00.000-07:00

According to Matthew 5-7, one day Jesus saw that crowds were gathering around him, so He went up on a mountainside near Capernaum and began to teach. This teaching is called the "Sermon On The Mount" and is also known as the Beatitudes.
The word beatitude, from Latin, means blessedness or state of supreme happiness. In this sermon Jesus describes the qualities of the citizens of the Kingdom of heaven and the characteristics of those who are deemed blessed by God. Each of the blessed individuals is generally not considered blessed according to worldly standards, but with a heavenly perspective—that is, truly blessed. A more literal translation would be "possessing an inward contentedness and joy that is not affected by the physical circumstances". Each of the Beatitudes presents a situation in which the person described would not be described by the world as "blessed", yet Jesus declares that they truly are blessed, and they are blessed with a blessing that outlasts any type of blessing this world has to offer. (Wikipedia)
Isn't this what we all want? To be blessed, supremely happy, no matter what the circumstances? Yes....
But the Beatitudes don't promise laughter, pleasure, earthly prosperity. Being "blessed" by God means being hopeful, joyful. To have these, we are told to follow Jesus. And if we follow Jesus we will want to be like Him, possesing more of these qualitites.

"God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,
for the Kingdom of God is theirs.
God blesses those who mourn,
for they are comforted.
God blesses those who are humble,
for they will inherit the whole earth.
God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,
for they will be satisfied.
God blesses those are merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
for they will see God.
God blesses those who work for peace,
for they will be called the children of God.
God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
for the Kingdom of God is theirs."
Matthew 5:3-10

Now, the question is, how do I do all those things, as to be blessed by God?

It's A Small World After All

2007-08-28T16:12:00.000-07:00

Took the girls to Disneyland this morning for a few hours. (love that we live in So Cal and can just pop in there for 2 rides, lunch and a quick hug with Alice in Wonderland!) It was HOT and while we enjoyed the air conditioning in "Small World," I was hit hard by the simplicity and beauty of the song lyrics that I've heard 100 times!
"It's a world of laughter, a world of tears
It's a world of hopes and a world of fears
There's so much that we share, that it's time we're aware
It's a small world afterall"

Weird? No, Perfect!

2007-08-27T18:16:00.001-07:00

The timing couldn't have been anymore perfect yesterday at church...Rev Charlie Campbell was giving a wonderful sermon, he was talking about God's judgement, and as if it was all part of the production....there was loud, booming thunder, flashes of lightening, down pouring of rain and the lights in the sanctuary flickering. It was priceless, this huge storm, in San Clemente, in August.
After the service was over people where all piled up in the church, waiting for the heavy rain to let up so they could make their way to the parking lot. There were quite a few elderly folks at this particular service, and the rainy conditions made it difficult for them to get to their cars safely. My husband, Mark, made a mad dash for our car, got a few umbrellas, helped the girls and I out and then made several trips from the sanctuary to the parking lot with some senior citizens that were stranded and needing assistance. He was soaked, and so sweet with these older people, approaching them at the door of the sanctuary, putting his arm out for them to grab hold of, and walking slowly and carefully, transporting quite a few people to their cars. I was proud of him! I pictured God grinning down on him, pleased with Mark's treatment of "his neighbor."
Mark told me later, of the most incredible thing that happened. He was helping an older lady, who was having quite a bit of trouble walking. As they were approaching her car another woman walked up to them, stopping right in front of them, in the parking lot, in the pouring rain, getting ready to greet this older woman clinging onto Mark's arm. Mark said he couldn't believe that this lady was picking this time to start a conversation!! And then she said to Mark's lady friend, "I just have to tell you that my son finally found a job. Thank you so much for praying for him. Your prayers really worked!"
When Mark was telling me this story, he said, "Can you believe that? She stops us, in the middle of the rain, and thanks this woman for praying for her son to find a job! Isn't that weird?"
No, it's not weird....it's perfect! God uses any situation, at anytime, to communicate with us. Mark and I were floored at all that went into this moment that spoke volumes to Mark. In this season of his life, when he is looking for a new job, when we are praying together for God's guidance and leadership in this situation, when we are making efforts to reach out in new ways to help less fortunate people, God's timing is so perfect! We chatted about what we thought God was saying to us in that moment. We discussed it for quite some time and were just mystified at the lengths that God goes to in order to reach us. It's amazing how sovereign and powerful and involved God is. It's incredible to know that He is so invested in our little corner of San Clemente, while being equally invested in every other corner of the world. Weird? No, perfect!!!

I Want To Be A Moon!

2007-08-24T07:23:00.000-07:00

Please read this article, written by my Pastor....

http://www.thehighcalling.org/Library/ViewLibrary.asp?LibraryID=3942

Even Mother Theresa Doubts

2007-08-24T06:50:00.000-07:00

Time Magazine recently published an article of some letters written by Mother Theresa, where she painfully admits that she struggled with her faith. She, for 50 years, says that she lived in a painful darkness where she sometimes wondered about the existence of God. In the midst of all her great humanitarian work, in the name of Jesus, she admited to feeling forsaken, abandoned, empty, alone and ashamed.
At first, this article might make believers nervous. Mother Theresa was such a shining example of a life lived out in faith. If she struggled with her fundamental belief in God, then what about me? Right? Wrong! This article is exactly what a life lived out in faith should look like. Even Jesus Christ, God in flesh, as he was dying on the cross, cried out in a loud voice, "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?" Matthew 27:46
If our goal as believers is to become more and more like Christ, then we have to expect that this life will parallel his suffering, his doubt, his feeling of forsakeness. When we are saved, there is no guarentee that our lives will be easy, or that we will never feel distant from God, or that we will never struggle with our faith. It is through these trials and times of hardship and seasons of spiritual darkness that we have to keep seeking and praying and trusting that God is there and will fulfill his promises. Those will be the times that will truly strenghten and solidify our faith.
In one of her later letters, Mother Theresa writes about why she believes that she struggeled so many years with feeling the absence and lonliness from God....
"I can't express in words — the gratitude I owe you for your kindness to me — for the first time in ... years — I have come to love the darkness — for I believe now that it is part of a very, very small part of Jesus' darkness & pain on earth. You have taught me to accept it [as] a 'spiritual side of your work' as you wrote — Today really I felt a deep joy — that Jesus can't go anymore through the agony — but that He wants to go through it in me.
— to Neuner, Circa 1961

Please, take the time to read the entire article...

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1655415-1,00.html

I Got Stumped!

2007-08-23T13:37:00.000-07:00

My mom and I spent a lovely morning together today. We started off with a nice long walk along San Clemente's beach trail. We were having a great conversation and debate about the influence that following God might have in my family as I raise my kids. My brother and I were not raised with a church influence, and if I am being completely honest....we turned out pretty darn good. My parents did an amazing job of raising us to be bright, confident, independent, secure, good natured people. There was always a very open and honest flow of conversation going in our home, where no topic was off limits. My parents made sure that we felt comfortable talking about anything and everything with them, and I am certain that is one of reasons that my brother and I turned out the way we did. Sure, we made mistakes, we did get a little crazy in high school and college, but we were good students, we were leaders, and were well mannered, respectful and responsible kids. My mom and I talked about some of the poor choices that I made in my younger years, and she assured me that she thought those experiences were good for me. I agree that I got through it all okay, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't change one thing about my past. But I worry about raising my kids to make the right choices in dealing with peer pressures, under age drinking, premarital sex, etc. The question my mother posed to me this morning was something like "If you agree that we did a great job of raising you, even without God, then what difference will God make in the raising of your kids? How will having God make it any better? How will you encourage open communication, where your kids will feel free to come to you with questions, problems, dilemmas about peer pressure while telling them not to do things because God says it's wrong? Will you just tell your kids what not to do because it's what the Bible says?"
I said something like this...."uh...um....duh....er!" That question caught me off guard, and challenged me to really think. It was a great conversation and one that I needed.
This is what was in my heart, but for some reason I couldn't get up and out of my mouth... I love God and I want to teach my kids to love God! I believe that He should be of the utmost importance in our home. I want to teach them how wonderful and loving and gracious and perfect He is. I want them to know Him and seek Him. I believe that He knows everything, that He has a great plan for us, that we can trust that His commandments and instructions for our life are in our best interest. I believe that we can trust His word, that if we strive to be more like Him, by following Him and obeying Him, that we will have lives full of peace, love, goodness and blessings. I am in love with Jesus, I think He is fantastic and out of my devotion and respect for Him I want to please Him, to be more like Him, to live my life as a great example of the difference that He has made in me. I hope that my life will be a good example for my kids, that they will see the peace that I get from this relationship and that it will inspire them to have it too.
Last night the high school ministry leader of our church shared this scripture with the kids as she discussed with them the pressures of the "party scene"....."Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:33

Mom...Thanks for all that you did, and still do, to take such good care of Nick and I. You are an amazing mother. I have always loved the way you and dad raised us in such an open and honest and loving home. You taught us to be thoughtful, compassionate, passionate, expressive people. I LOVE YOU!!!

My Sweet Girls

2007-08-15T14:18:00.000-07:00

Scary But Exciting Times

2007-08-15T13:36:00.000-07:00

For months Mark has been stressed about his job. He's been overworked, overburdened, overwhelmed. He works so hard, and so well, to provide for our family, and it was painful to watch be under that pressure all the time. I turned to scripture.
Jesus tells us "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light." Matthew 11:28-30
The yoke that Jesus talks about is a heavy wooden harness that fits over the shoulders of an ox. It is attached to a piece of equipment that the oxen are to pull. People may be carrying heavy burdens of their own, but Jesus promises to free us from these. The yoke refers to the challenges, the work, the difficulties. Jesus doesn't say that a life with Him will be problem free, but He says it will be a shared yoke, with the weight falling on bigger shoulders than our own.
I started to really hold on to this scripture and pray for Mark all the time. I asked God to shoulder some of Mark's burden, to relieve him of his stress and anxiety and worries about work. I asked for answers and guidance and direction for Mark. I began to ask daily if Mark should keep this job? Should he pursue another position? Is there something else for him? I asked for God to reveal his will for us.
After weeks and weeks of praying and seeking and asking for God's involvement, Mark came home early last Tuesday afternoon and told me that he and his company had decided to part ways.
I'll admit, this answer wasn't really what I had in mind, and I was a little scared and nervous, but I was also weirdly excited and giddy. I was certain in that moment that God was intimately involved in this and it was thrilling.
Over the past week, my faith has been stronger than ever. I never would have imagined that a scary time like this would also be a time that I felt the closest and most sure of God's hand in my life. I am certain that good things are on the rise for our family. In Proverbs 3:6 we are told "Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." I have been praying for answers, for direction and guidance. I have been asking God to show Mark and I what He wants us to do. I believe that He has plans for our family that are far better than we could come up with on our own. I have found such peace and comfort from Romans 8:28, where Paul says "We know that God causes EVERYTHING to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."
As Mark continues to look for work, I will continue to thank God for his faithfulness, for his promises, for his love and devotion to my family. I will be anxious and excited to see how He will use this time to draw my family closer to Him. And I will cling to Philippians 4:6-7 where I am told "Don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand."

F.U.N Kim

2007-08-06T13:42:00.000-07:00

For years, all that Mark has really asked of me, is that I be "F.U.N. Kim"...flexible, understanding and nice.
Sure, he likes the laundry done, the frig stocked and a warm meal waiting for him after work....but he wouldn't care about those things at all if I was always just F.U.N.
If I am in one of those self improvement moods, and maybe Mark and I are sharing some wine and a nice meal out away from the kids, I'll get all snuggly and I'll ask Mark, "what can I do to make you more happy? what areas do I need to work on to be the kind of wife that you want me to be?" Almost everytime, he answers, "Kim, I just want you to be F.U.N" (he came up with that a few years back, and he just thinks he is so clever every time he uses is....but really, it's pretty darn good!) He'll explain that he just wants me to be pleasant, to be kick back and easy going, to be enjoyable and kind. Sounds easy enough? How sad is it to say that I can't always do it!!
I am feeling really convicted lately about the kind of wife I've been. I've been taking these stupid hormones to try to get rid of the ovarian cysts that I keep getting, and they have turned me into a monster. All excuses aside, I have been such a difficult person to live with for the last month, and poor Mark has had enough of me. I am fighting him on everything, am in a constant bad mood and am losing my temper over the smallest things. The other night, he said to me..."it is just no fun to be around you anymore!" That one really stung. I certainly don't want to be kind of wife that he dreads coming home to. Instead I want to be the F.U.N. place he looks forward to rushing home to at night, the place where he can forget his stresses and burdens, the place that restores his energy, makes him feel like the strong, capable, succesful man that his girls at home think he is. I want to be the place where he can refuel, feel relaxed and peaceful and worry free. I want my actions to be a reflection of how much I love him, respect him, appreciate him and honor him. I just want to be F.U.N!!

Faith Put To Action

2007-07-30T13:58:00.000-07:00

True faith, the kind that really makes a difference in this world , the kind that seriously changes and transforms people, is the kind that is demonstrated by not only our thoughts and our beliefs, but by our actions.
"What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but you don't show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say, "Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well"- but then you don't give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do? So you see, faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless...I will show you my faith by my good deeds."
James 2:14-18
It's so much more complex than this, but here is the way it worked out for me...
I was going along with my life, everything was just fine. I didn't know God. I had a family of my own. I felt vulnerable, and defenseless and afraid that there was something bigger than me out there. I got sick. I felt I was facing death. I was desperate. I cried out to God to save me. He did. I wanted to get to know Him. I started to read and pray and learn. My heart and soul and life began to change. I began to crave the Word of the Bible like nothing else I'd ever desired before. I fell in love with Jesus Christ. I was reborn into a new, joyful, exciting, full, real life. I felt free. I felt grateful and thankful and blessed and humbled and awed and amazed. Out of my gratitude and true love and admiration and devotion, I want to spend my life learning about God, being in His presence, serving Him, becoming more like Him, pleasing Him, obeying Him, loving myself and others the way He does, working alongside Him to bring more peace and love into this hurting world. I finally feel like I have a purpose, a plan, and real reason for being on this earth. I believe that I am called, as we all are, to accept the Lord's love and grace, to respond to it by giving our lives to Him and demonstrating our faith in Christ by our deeds of loving service.

A Bold Assurance

2007-07-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

This scripture was read aloud today at church....and convinces me further that I am justified in coming to God, the Creator of all the Universe, to humbly ask for His intervention, help, healing, peace in any and all circumstanes....even a pain that my dad experiences.
"So let us come boldy to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most."
Hebrews 4:16

Coping Mechanism or Real Power?

2007-07-22T09:01:00.000-07:00

My dad has been experiencing these severe pains in his chest/abdomnin. He's gone to the ER 2 times over the last couple months because the pain has been so bad. They haven't determined what is wrong yet, he is visiting doctors and running tests.
It's a scary thing, to get a call from your mom, telling you that your dad is in the emergency room. It doesn't matter how your day is going, at that moment, everything stops and the world seems very unbalanced. Your dad is the hero, the big and strong and safe force that took care of you and protected you. The thought of him being sick, or fragile, or hurt is awkward and uncomfortable. You feel weak and out of control and helpless, knowing that there really isn't anything that you can do to take care of your dad. Right? So wrong!
I have found such a peace in prayer. Before I believed in God, this was something that never made sense to me, and sounded like a big "coping mechanism" for weak people. But now that I know it and understand it, it's the most powerful and important tool and the first thing I do before I try to rely on my own strength or abilities to solve a problem.
I got the call from my mom about my dad. I hung up the phone. I prayed right then and there for the Lord to heal my dad, to bring my parents peace and comfort, to fill that hospital room with His presence and love, to guide the dr's and nurses and give them wisdom. I thanked the Lord for his love, his faithfulness, his power and the peace that He was bringing to me, even in that moment. I then emailed my friends and family who I consider to be my "prayer warriors" and requested that they do the same. And I still worried about my dad, I still felt anxious and afraid and unsure, but I felt confident that God, the Creator of the universe, had heard my prayer and the prayer of my "warriors" and was literally in that room with my parents.
"Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus."
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

The Power Of A Praying Parent

2007-07-18T06:10:00.000-07:00

Mommy: So Katelyn how was your day today? What did you do with the other kids while I was at Bible Study with the mommy's?

Katelyn: We played Duck-Duck-Goose!

Mommy: Wow! I didn't know that you knew how to play that game. How fun!

Katelyn: But I never got a chance to run, cause the kids never picked me, and I don't know why, cause I'm a friend too!

I have truly never experienced a pain like this. Hearing my daughter's sweet, high pitched voice tell this story, so serious and concerned, brought on feelings and emotions that I have never had to confront before. She is the sweetest, kindest, silliest little girl with the most inviting, sparkly blue eyes. How could the kids leave her out? Why didn't they include her? What will I do in the future to protect her from the hurt that can come from her peers? What can I teach her, tell her, explain to her? How do you clean off that wound and prepare her for another situation that might hurt more? How do you send your kids out into the world, knowing that their sweet hearts might get broken? What do I do to protect my kids when I can't be there with them?
I thank God that I have found SOME peace in prayer. I have learned from the book Power Of A Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian that I do have some responsibility and power in praying daily for my kids. I pray diligently for their health and safety, for their protection from danger and harm, that their bodies and minds will be strong, that they will be confident and secure and well adjusted, that they will embrace life, that they will like school and learning and have good, kind and quality friends. I pray that they will be leaders, that they will have good character and strong wills. I pray that they will be good kids, with good hearts and kind spirits. And truly, my first and deepest prayer is that they will want to know God, that they will love Him and want to serve Him. I believe that if they do, they will then discover their true purpose, and they will love themselves, they will be happy and secure and good and kind and strong. It's a struggle, because as a parent you want to cling on to your kids and hold them tightly, but I think that if I let go just a little, and let God in to that embrace, He will look after them in every moment, even those Duck-Duck-Goose moments when I am not there!

The Temptation: To Be Relevant

2007-07-17T14:04:00.000-07:00

In my former life, before I was a stay-at-home mom, I was a high school guidance counselor. I loved my job. I earned my Master's degree in school counseling and had found the place where I truly felt that I was using my gifts and talents and passions. I, unlike many, have a particular fondness for high school aged kids . I am fascinated by that age group, am attracted to the drama,the energy, the fun, the excitement. I guess it's because I loved my own high school experience. I had a blast during that time of my life. I have fond memories, I had great friends, I fit in and I really enjoyed that stage.
After being home with my own kids for a few years, I felt a longing to get involved with high school kids again. I found my eyes were always drawn to the left side of the church sanctuary on Sunday mornings, where all the high school kids sat. I decided to get involved with the high school ministry and am now a small group leader for the 10th and 11th grade girls.
Now I spend every Wednesday night with the high school kids. This past Wednesday we were all meeting together, boys and girls from grades 9-12. Before a game, worship and discussion time, everyone is just hanging out, socializing and visiting with each other. This 15 minute "hang time" on Wednesday nights has got to be the most challenging time of every week for me. I keep thinking it will get easier, but I am still struggling. When was the last time you walked into a room filled with high school kids, all who know each other, and tried to fit in? tried to find someone who would talk to you? find something to talk about? You would think that you have grown up enough, evolved enough, so now you wouldn't be so intimidated by them or care about what they think of you, right? Well, let me tell you, it's just as awkward and scary and intimidating now, as a 30-something year old!!
Once we get into the thick of the evening, and I am in my "leader" role, I start to feel a little more comfortable, but still, they are a tough crowd. I am finding that I am not as easily accepted among this group as I thought I would be. I keep wanting to reassure them, "Hey, I'm cool. Really, I was pretty cool when I was in high school, I think you would have liked me. I know I'm old and out of it now, but in my day, I was alright!" That probably wouldn't help, huh?
In a great book I recently read called, In The Name of Jesus, Henri Nouwen
describes his similar struggle to assert his leadership within a new community. He says, "Not being able to use any of the skills that proved so practical in the past was a real source of anxiety. I was suddenly faced with my naked self, open for affirmations and rejections, hugs and punches, smiles and tears, all dependent on how I was perceived at the moment...forced to let go of my relevant self, and forced to reclaim that unadorned self in which I am completely vulnerable, open to receive and give love regardless of any accomplishments. I am telling you all this because I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self. That is the way Jesus came to reveal God's love."
My struggle will be to let go of my pride and ego, of my relevant self, and just be a humble and loving servant of God.

Who Gets Blessed More?

2007-07-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

I was humbled and inspired the other day. At a women's Bible study at my church, I said "hello" to the homeless woman who frequents our meetings. She is always around the church, at all the events, always there on Sunday morning, and comes to our Bible study. I have also seen her several mornings, curled up in her sleeping bag on the sand at North Beach.
I love the way the people at our church treat her, so welcoming, always offering her food and assistance and the seat next to them. I have noticed how often she goes back for coffee and breakfast treats during our Bible studies and I am glad that she has a place to fill up on food and the Word of God. Well, this past Wednesday she had a plastic grocery bag of apples with her. And as I greeted her and asked how she liked the mornings lesson, she offered me the seat next to her and asked if I would like an apple. I was taken back by her generosity and touched deeply. With as little as she had, she was willing to give some of it up. Surely the Lord will bless her for that. I know it blessed me.

"You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'"
Acts 20:35

A Father Teaches A Mother

2007-07-12T13:38:00.000-07:00

The only way to get through bath time around here is on a hope and a prayer! How is it that 2 pretty little girls, both under the age of 4, are able to drive me to near insanity several times a day??!!??
Two nights ago we were doing our usual thing. It was about 5:30pm, I was taking the girls out of the tub to get them all lathered up in there yummy smelling baby lotion, put them in their clean, comfy jammies...and then....attempt the ultimate feat....combing their hair!
I had my oldest, Katelyn in between my legs on the floor. I am being so very gentle, carefully pulling the comb through her overly conditioned hair. "Mommy! Mommy! OUCH!!! You're hurting me! STOP!!! You're hurting me!!!" (I seriously have to close the windows around my home before I comb their hair, it's ridiculous. Can someone say....Drama Queen?)
On that particular evening, I took a very deep breathe, and oh so calmly... "Katelyn, honey, come on, it's not that bad. I'm being as gentle as I can. Sweetheart, sit real still so it wont hurt. Don't you trust mommy? You know that I love you and I don't want to hurt you. I promise, if you hold real still, you'll see, it will be over in just a second and you'll be alright. I promise. Good girl."
And in that very moment, as I was speaking those words to Katelyn, the strangest idea occurred to me. This must be exactly how God feels when we are throwing a temper tantrum at Him as we are going through a crisis.
When we are in the middle of something terrible like illness or a tragedy
or a string of bad circumstances, we start flipping out, throwing up our hands, blaming God, and begging for the pain to end.
But just like the mom on the loving end of the comb, He sees the bigger picture. He knows that the situation will pass and the pain will cease. He knows that in the scheme of things, although we can't see it clearly, this small moment of pain will bring about goodness. God asks "Don't you trust me? You know that I created you, that I love you, and I don't want to hurt you. I promise, if you stay faithful, you'll see, it will be over in a second and you'll be alright. Good girl."

Then it happened to me again this afternoon. I was dealing with Katelyn, and God spoke right to my heart.
I picked her up from preschool, the girls were watching Clifford the Big Red Dog on the couch while I made their Mac N Cheese for lunch. Katelyn took off her tennis shoes on the couch and Taylor immediately tattled that Katelyn got sand everywhere. (yep, right at the beginning of the fun sibling stuff!) I scooped up the sand while I teased Katelyn "Honey, come on, I've told you before, we have to take your tennis shoes off outside because you always insist on bringing the entire sandbox home with you! Please don't do that again."
She giggled and watched me as I dumped the sand in the backyard. She very seriously said, "Mommy, I'm really sorry. I wont do that again."
I am so proud when she really gets it and I lovingly replied, "it's okay honey, i love you, don't worry about it, just please remember next time, okay?"
And there was God, right in my heart as I was speaking the words to Katelyn. It's as if he was saying to me.....
"Kim, that's exactly how I feel when I am dealing with you, my child. I lovingly watch over you, guide you, teach you and instruct you. And when you get off course, I correct you. I put that feeling of conviction and guilt in your heart as a way of telling you where you went wrong. And when you listen, and come to me asking for forgiveness with a sincere heart, I am so quick to forgive you and reassure you and tell you that I love you."

True Riches

2007-07-10T13:40:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Mark and I were sitting across from each other at Starbucks on a Sunday evening. We were enjoying some quiet time before we were to meet with some women from a non-profit organization, Acres of Love, that we are considering getting involved with. This organization rescues and provides for abandoned AIDS orphans in South Africa. It is a cause that we feel particularly strong about and want to be of assistance to. And as we prepared for the meeting we discussed our own personal goals and wants and desires for involvement.
We both recognized that this really isn't the best time for us to become financially involved with any sort of charity. The truth is, money is really tight in our home right now. We are feeling the implications of my decision to stay at home with our children, and are missing that second income greatly. We have made major cut backs, have simplified in every area, and are on a very tight budget. There really is no wiggle room.
But Mark made a point that is still ringing loudly in my mind. He said, "It's funny, we have never been in a more scary or stressful spot financially. But I can't remember a time that we've ever been happier."
Before Mark and I had kids, we both made good money. We had a big home, drove luxury cars, wore nice, expensive clothing, spent a lot of money on travel, and entertainment and just about whatever we felt like. And we were happy....but missing something.
Now we are strapped, we are clipping coupons, driving more practical cars, not buying new clothes, not vacationing anywhere and trying to spend as little as possible all the time. And we are happy....really happy.
And we have reset our priorities, are committed to our family, are longing for more meaningful ways to contribute to society, are working hard in our faith, are truly enjoying the more important things in life like family and friends and good health.
I feel like God has taken this opportunity to really speak to us. He has gotten our attention in an area where we were off base. He has made things a little uncomfortable, made us work together as a team, made us vulnerable and appreciative and thankful. He has opened our eyes to ways that we can get involved with bigger issues, than our cars and clothing, and made us see that we still have so much to offer those who are truly in need. He is leading our family in a most exciting and fulfilling direction. I know that He has wonderful things planned for us, and I am anxious to see how it turns out.
In the midst of this financial stress, I have been praying diligently. I pray for strength in my faith and in Mark's, I pray that I will be a leader in my family, I pray that I will be aware of Mark's burden's and pressures and that I can be a source of relief and support and encouragement for him, I pray that God will give Mark rest and shoulder some of his burden, I pray for guidance from the Lord, the He will provide for us. And I give thanks for all that we have, for the ways in which we are blessed and taken care of. I praise God for his faithfulness, for his provision, for his constant work in our lives and for his love.

"Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can't take anything with us when we leave it. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content. But people who long to be rich fall into temptation and are trapped by many foolish and harmful desires that plunge them into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil."
1 Timothy 6:6-10

Happy Dependence Day

2007-07-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

As we celebrate a day of INDEPENDENCE for our country, my deepest desire is for all people to become totally DEPENDENT on God.

"Whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."
-2 Corinthians 3:16-17

The Holy Spirit provides us freedom from sin and condemnation. When we trust Jesus Christ to save us, he removes the heavy burden of trying to please him and our guilt of always failing to do so. By trusting Christ, we are loved, accepted, forgiven, and freed. Wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. (taken from commentary in NLT)

Less Is More

2007-06-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

If you were to talk to someone about what they believed God was calling them to do in their life at any give time, you would assume that they would answer with some great "call to action." You may hear answers like these:
"Oh yes, God is calling me to go on a missions trip to Mexico."
"God is calling me to start a Bible study in my neighborhood."
"I believe that God is calling me to be a Sunday School teacher."
"I am certain that it is God's will for me to work with the homeless people in my community."
Well, not me! Nope, that's not how God is dealing with me right now. I am pretty certain, although it's not how I want it, God is calling me to "CHILL OUT, SLOW DOWN, RELAX, JUST STOP!!!!!"
In a recent sermon, Pastor Tod spoke right to my heart. He talked about the psychological purpose for anxiety. He said it was our bodies way of telling us that we are getting off track. Anxiety's purpose is to lead us back to where we should be. Well, for the last several months, I have been a basket case of anxiety. I have been overwhelmed, overstressed and spread too thin. I have been taking on too much, committing to too many things and trying so hard to be everything to everybody. I thought that if I volunteered for every opportunity that came up to serve other people, that it would be pleasing to God. In the midst of that chaos I have been an impatient mom, a grouchy, nagging wife and a misguided servant of God. I know that's not how God wants it done.
It became clear to me, at 2am on Monday, in the middle of an anxiety attack, that this is not what God wants for me. This is not the life he is calling me to. In prayer on that dark, quiet, tearful morning, I realized that God is simply calling me to "stop!" He wants me to slow down, take a deep breathe, focus my eyes and ears on Him, play, really sit down and play with my kids, attend to my husband, take care of myself, be in the moment, be in His presence, raise a Godly family and quietly listen for his next call.....rather than creating the call for myself.
My whole life I have been an achiever, a driven do-er and leader. And now I really feel like I need to fight the impulse to take on so much. It's really starting to affect who I am in my relationships, especially in my home. It's time to really accept that "less is more."
"Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone: a new life has begun!'" 2 Corinthians 5:17

His Voice In my 2 Year Old and a Slice of Pizza

2007-06-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

I struggle...always....with trying to eat healthy! Will it ever end? I start every day with the same goal to eat nutritious, whole foods. Half of the time I do great. The other half of the time, not so great.

Every morning I pray in the shower. I use that time to invite God into my day, asking for His guidance and assistance in all matters, trying to focus my day in the right direction. This morning I added a little something to my usual dialogue. I asked God to help me stay committed to my desire to eat well and take care of my body. I figured that I'm not doing a very good job of it own my own, maybe I could use a little help.

So, on with my day. Our family is out and about, we stop for a Saturday afternoon lunch at a new Pizzeria in town. I'm hungry! We order a chicken salad and a pizza to share. Taylor, our 2 year old, is in rare form. I spend most of my time marching her outside because she is throwing fits, crawling up on the table, spilling water, and just disrupting the whole establishment! On about our third attempt to come back in and eat quietly, I was able to get in quite a few bites of salad. Before long, Taylor is under the table, bumps her head and starts screaming. This time I grab her, and the diaper bag and tell my husband we'll see him in the car!!! As I sat there in the car waiting, I noticed that I really wasn't hungry anymore and was kinda proud of myself for only having some salad.

After we got the girls home and down for their naps, I found the left over pizza and warmed up the biggest piece I could find. I ate it.

A few minutes later I plopped down on the couch for a little rest. I was feeling all bummed out and disappointed at myself for eating the pizza and blowing my goal....again! I remembered that I had even gone so far as to pray for help with my eating that day....a lot of good that did....

All of a sudden, a thought popped into my mind....what if Taylor's outburst today was God's way of removing me from the situation so that I wouldn't eat the pizza???

What Happened To Me? (Part 3)

2007-06-21T12:50:00.001-07:00

So here I was, craving knowledge about Jesus Christ, not able to read enough, learn enough, discuss enough about him. I was more surprised than anyone! I never would have thought that this would be a topic I would ever find so fascinating, stimulating and satisfying. But I had to be honest, it was really meeting a need inside of me that I didn't even know was there.
Then one day, it dawned on me....I believe this stuff. I have no idea when it happened or how it happened...but all of a sudden, I realized that I was believing without any doubts. I was convinced of the stories, sold on the Scriptures and totally and faithfully committed to Jesus Christ.
I know it sounds so ridiculous and crazy to a person who hasn't yet given this a try, but I promise...THIS IS REAL. This change in my heart is the most real and true thing that I have ever experienced.

Funny, in John 8: 31-32, Jesus said to the people who believed in him, "You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings. And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

Jesus promises us that if we remain in his teaching, we will recognize and understand the truth and that truth will set us free. To know Jesus liberates us and gives us freedom because it allows us the opportunity to know God himself. God is pure and holy and is the one good.

This freedom is not as most people would think of it. It's not freedom TO to do whatever we want based on our own feelings and desires. It is the freedom FROM our sinful selves and the opportunity and power and guidance to walk with God himself, the source of all goodness and life.

Jesus is the perfect standard, the source of truth, the reality of all God's promises. He frees us from our slavery to sin, from self-deception. He frees us from the things of this world that control us, dominate us, dictate our actions. He shows us the way to a more fulfilling and fruitful and promising life. He shows us the way to eternal life with God. He shows us how to become the person that God created us to be.

This is the truth and the freedom and the new life that I am living with Jesus Christ.

What Happened To Me? (Part 2)

2007-06-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

In the first weeks of my faith journey I emailed the senior pastor at San Clemente Presbyterian Church. I had gone there a couple of times, liked the atmosphere, but had a lot of questions. At this point, believing in God was still something that I didn't "get" and I certainly wasn't even near comfortable with all the "Jesus Christ talk." I told him a short version of my story, listed off several questions, concerns, and skepticism's and asked what his advice would be to learn a little more. He invited me to come talk with him. Impressive.

So I nervously went to his office with my list of major problems with the faith. We talked, easily, about how I was feeling, what I was afraid of, why I had trouble believing. His advice was simple....keep coming to church, start out by reading the New Testament and get to know who Jesus is, and just try to approach all of this as if you believe it. He asked if he could pray for me, I obliged, we bowed our heads. I can't remember what the prayer was, but I remember that I teared up, that it felt intimate, powerful and special. Looking back on it now, I'm sure that prayer was monumental to the change I experienced in my heart.

So, I did what he suggested. I kept going to church, and I really liked it. I even sang the words to the songs, even though it was really, really awkward at first. I was diligent about reading the Bible, although it was overwhelming and I didn't really "get it." And I read a couple of other great Christian 101 books that he suggested. I kept an open mind, tried to really learn and research and put aside all of my own preconceptions.

Slowly, slowly....I started to really crave more knowledge, I started to look forward to my reading, I started to understand more and "get it." I found myself desperate to know more, starving for more information and answers and finding a peace in my heart that I had truly never known. I was changing, big time!!

Jesus said, "Pay close attention to what you hear. The closer you listen, the more understanding you will be given- and you will receive even more."

Mark 4:24

Stay tuned for more....

What Happened To Me? (part 1)

2007-06-19T20:05:00.000-07:00

2 years ago, I had no idea what it was like to live the Christian life. I was doing well, living well, was a good and decent person and had no interest in religion. The thought of going church or reading the Bible or talking about Jesus Christ would have made me incredibly uncomfortable.

But here I am today, totally transformed and changed, from the inside out. Sometimes I look back and wonder what the heck happened! I wonder how I got to this point, where it all took place and what happened to all of my questions and doubts and accusations. How am I so sure that I believe in God? When did I even decide to believe in Him? And how did I learn all this stuff that I know about Jesus and the Bible? How in the world is it that I am certain that He is my Lord, my Savior, my King? How, How, How am I even saying those words without rolling my eyes? Why am I so eager to go to church, to be in Bible study, to be in prayer? Why do I want to listen to Christian radio and worship music? Am I really wearing a cross around my neck?
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?

I think that we are all built with that piece of us that is missing, that hole in our heart that is longing to be filled. I think that we are all made to search for our purpose, our reason, the answer about the truth of this life.

I believe, with my whole heart, that I have found "the truth."

Happy Father's Day

2007-06-17T20:03:00.000-07:00

To Mark, my husband, my very best friend, my perfect balance.....
You are the most amazing father. Thank you for working so hard, without complaints, to provide for our family. We feel so safe and taken care of. Thank you for being so loving and gentle. You are so great at showing and expressing your love. Thank you for the time you spend with our daughters. I love to watch you play and laugh and dance and sing with our girls. You are setting a high and important standard for our daughters for the type of man that they will someday choose. Our girls adore you and trust you and admire you. Thank you for being so supportive and understanding of my role, of my challenges, and for helping me to be a better mom. Thank you for your commitment to our marriage, to our friendship, to our journey as a family. I love you so much and it's been a joy to watch you grow into such a great dad. I thank God for you everyday.
Always, Me

A Challenge: Practice The Golden Rule

2007-06-15T13:07:00.001-07:00

If you were to spend a day with our family, you would inevitably see me put our 3 1/2 year old, precious, daughter in a time out. (at least once!) She is usually escorted over to her "time out spot" in the dining room after she has been physically rough with her younger sister. After a couple of minutes I come back and join her. I sit with her on the ground, face to face, and I ask her...."Katelyn, do you know why I put you in time out?" She almost always does!! Then I ask, "What is the Golden Rule?" And She answers, "Treat others you want to be treated." (so cute!) I then discuss with her how her actions might have made someone feel and how they would make her feel if they had been done to her. She seems to get it and I am hopeful that I am on my way to raising a compassionate and thoughtful young woman.
Jesus taught us in Matthew 7:12 to "Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you."
Everyone is familiar with the Golden Rule, right? But really, I think it is brilliant! Can you imagine what this world would be like if everyone truly took part in this philosophy? This could be a great way of bringing about much needed peace and harmony. It's elementary....but perfect. Jesus was so right on here. (and everywhere!)
Here's a challenge....practice the Golden Rule and see what a difference it makes. I have been trying it and am astonished with the results. I am hoping to "be the change that I want to see in the world." I am making a point to say a friendly hello to the stranger I walk by on the street. I am enthusiastically thanking the clerk who helps me at the store. I am trying to compliment the woman standing next to me in line on her blouse. I am trying to send thoughtful notes to old friends. I am trying to reach out to neighbors in need. I am trying to offer help to someone I know wont ask for it. I am desperately trying to be the person that I would want someone to be to me. It's a joy to see how simple acts of heartfelt kindess make a difference to a person.
I have been blessed by God. I feel so lucky. I feel so alive. Maybe the person next to me isn't in that same happy place. I hope that my simple hello or thank you or genuine smile or compliment or helpful gesture will be just what that person needs to turn their day around. Maybe I can be what lifts their spirits. Maybe then, they can do it for someone else. Imagine the possibilities.

Stay-At-Home.....Moms

2007-06-13T14:06:00.000-07:00

Right around the time of Mother's Day, Salary.com released an article that told what they had concluded a Stay-At-Home Mom would make in 2007.....if she were to receive a paycheck. They based the salary on the hours per week that a stay-at-home mom spends on the following jobs: housekeeper, day care center teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, CEO and psychologist.
I went to Salary.com and was able to personalize my own salary based on the ages of my children and where I live. They concluded that I would be paid $152,896. I have to admit that I am smiling as I sit here and type this. I feel proud and validated. It's nice to know that people understand and acknowledge the amount of work that it takes to stay at home and take care of your house and family.
Now, if only I could remember how valuable I am. I know that the sacrifices that I am making and the time and energy that I am putting into raising my family is monumentally important, but sometimes it's so hard. The money is tight, sooooo tight on one income, the job is never ending and I get so overwhelmed. I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job. I feel like I should be better, more patient, more focused, more organized, more everything. But it's so hard and soon I realize that I've started just going through the motions, letting the days "happen" to me, getting caught up in the schedules and activities and errands. And just when I've had all I can take, I have a morning like I did today.
I made a point to really slow it down for the girls and I this morning. And after we hung out at the pool for awhile, we came home, had a nutritious lunch together and then we just chilled. And during that down time, I got to dance with my daughters, take pictures of them holding hands and spinning, spend time talking while together we cleaned up the play room and just "be" with them.
I forget, all too often, that being a stay-at-home mom isn't always about all the different jobs I do and the checks on my to-do list. But more often it should be about the time, the down time, the quality time, the once in a lifetime, that I get to spend with my kids.

Check out http://www.mom.salary.com/

Testimony

2007-06-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

http://www.scpres.org/app/w_page.php?id=28&type=section

This link will take you directly to my church's (San Clemente Presbyterian Church) For Love of God and Neighbor Capital Campaign video. The whole video is well worth the 16 minutes it takes to watch. It shows the type of community I am priveleged to belong to and tells of the vision of our church family.
At about 9 min and 30 sec, I give my personal testimony.

Our Early Morning Sing Along

2007-06-11T09:49:00.000-07:00

I took my girls and our dog for our usual power walk this morning. We were off and running at about 8:00am, the girls all snuggled up in the jogging stroller. It's such a great way to start off the week.
Katelyn, my 3 1/2 year old began to serenade us as we walked. She was rattling off a bunch of songs that she has learned at preschool. Starting with "God Bless America", to "Thank You For This Snack", to "Jesus Loves Me." Now, let it be known that Miss Katelyn is not shy about her singing, and she really likes to get it out as loudly as she can, which we usually will lovingly enjoy and encourage. I am sad to say that this morning, for a brief moment, I felt a little different about her performance.
We were coming around a corner, and there was a woman stopped there while her dog was going potty. Katelyn was proudly belting out "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so..." and she was so adorably doing the little signs that go with it. I felt myself get all freaked out and worried about what this woman would think. Maybe she didn't believe in Jesus. Maybe she would be offended by Katelyn's singing that song. Maybe I should quiet Katelyn down and ask her to stop.
That is so sad on so many levels. First, what a shame that I would be afraid to offend someone with my daughter's proud and beautiful singing about our Lord, who was surely smiling on while He heard her singing it. And it would have been awful to make her feel embarrassed or guarded or not free to just sing freely and proudly. And how unfortunate it would have been for me to demonstrate for my childrenhow we are to be ashamed about publicly yet politely sharing our faith.
I am happy to report that those feelings of of embarrassment only lasted a moment, and instead I found the courage to proudly sing along with her.

My Perfect Prescription

2007-06-09T16:09:00.001-07:00

I don't know if I'm the only one that feels this way. (I suppose it's highly likely!) I am constantly disappointed with myself. As my husband so frequently reminds me, "Kim, you are your own worst enemy!" He is so right, I am. I am so hard on myself, so critical, so judgemental. I hold myself to such a high standard, expect a lot, and come down very hard when I don't meet my own expectations. It's crazy, this I know, but it's true.

The saddest part about this cycle is that I keep visiting the same issues, over and over and over. Really, they are the same ones!!! I find myself always setting goals for myself in the following areas:

1. Eat healthy

2. Exercise

3. Cut back on spending

4. Slow down, simplify, don't spread self too thin= spend QUALITY time with the kids

5. (over the last 2 years) Daily quiet time with God, reading Bible and in prayer

When I do those things for a substantial period of time, I feel awesome! I feel empowered and balanced and healthy in body and mind. The great feelings are positive reinforcement to stay the course and it's a wonderful cycle.

Then....I slip up on one thing, and then I get lazy in another area, and before I know it I feel like I have lost it in all areas and my life is a mess. It's kind of creepy how they all seem so connected. It's all or nothing. I am either "in control" or "out of control." And then the disappointment sets in, and I find myself in a short spell of disgust and self loathing......until I reset the SAME goals and try again.

And so, the prescription for my balanced life is easy to identify, but so hard for me to follow. How am I letting enriched carbs, laziness, frivilous spending, a hectic calendar and excuses for time away from God make me so sick???

Coincidence?

2007-06-07T17:43:00.000-07:00

To make a VERY long story short....
I have been working very hard over the last several months to get a children's story, that I wrote, published. I spend any and all free time on this project. After much research and deliberation, my husband and I were moving in the direction of self publishing. And after many hours of time and dedication, we found ourselves at the "fork in the road" where the big decisions had to be made. And the biggest decision was about the huge amount of money that we would have to invest upfront. This put a damper on the dream and excitement. We just don't have the money to put into this right now. I was left questioning if we should move forward with the publishing at all.
And so I found myself back to where I started from with the project....in prayer. I realized that somewhere along the way I had removed God from the equation and was making all decisions on my own without council. And so I came back and asked God for His guidance, for His help, to let me know what he wanted me to do, to show me which direction he wanted me to go. I wanted this whole venture to be about Him from the beginning, to help to spread his message, to help to fulfill His purpose and plan for my life. Through my time in prayer I realized that this project had taken on a life of it's own, and that my pride and ego were starting to get in the way, and my stress and anxiety level were on an up rise. I was getting overwhelmed and spread too thin and feeling like my overall mood as a mother and wife were being affected. I began to ask God if this book was even something that he wanted me to do at all anymore.....
And the next day I started to get severe abdominal pains....that lasted several days....and I ended up in the ER with a ruptured ovarian cyst.
God??? Are you trying to tell me something??? Did I miss your voice the first few times you tried to tell me to slow it down? Was this the only way you could get me to chill out for a few days?
I wonder, is there such thing as a coincidence when you are asking for God's divine intervention? And I wonder, now, what am I to do? How do I know what God wants for my life? How do I know what is the right decision to make in regards to this book? And how do I know if something was just a coincidence....or if it was a "Godincidence?"

If Only I Could Have Chanel Sunglasses

2007-06-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

My family went to a 3 year old birthday party this afternoon. I saw a young woman there, who I met some 10 years ago. She was with her husband and her two young boys. She looked amazing. She had on this really cute, stylish sundress, a beautiful red sweater over it, a pretty necklace with matching earrings, nice high heeled shoes and these obviously expensive Chanel sunglasses. She was fit and well put together and looked rich and happy. She was talking about the brand new house that they had just had custom built and her husband was in conversation about the small vineyard they were growing on all their acreage.

I thought to myself, "Darn it! This girl has got it made. It must be nice!! I wish I could have a ton of money, and dress so cute, and have a huge home and wear really expensive sunglasses. Surely, if I had all of that, I would be so happy!" It doesn't take me but a few moments to get all caught up in this stuff. I start feeling insecure, inadequate, jealous and unsatisfied.

Over the course of the next couple of hours, I chatted a bit with this gal and the truth began to unfold. She was constantly bummed out with her husband and his lack of involvement with the kids, they were feeling stressed over the finances, she is angry that she has to continue to work full time to help make the huge mortgage payments and she is overwhelmed at the task of raising two young kids. In a kind of sick and twisted way I was cheering on the inside..."Yes! She's normal!" And honestly, at this point, my life was looking so good.

It is dangerously easy for me to get caught up in that shallow, envious, resentful trap. I know in my heart that material possessions will never make me happy for long. I know that if I allow myself to get caught up in that, I will surely lose. I know that I will never have enough, that I will always want some "thing" more and that once I attain that "thing" happiness will be short lived and I'll be desiring some "thing" else. I realize that the longing for material things to make me happy, to fill a void, to gain respect doesn't work....and it's down right toxic.

I was disappointed in my momentary state of desire today. I have come so far with this issue. Over the last several months I had sort of jumped off the "merry-go-round of material want." I had found a quiet peacefulness in the deliberate choice to just remove myself from that way of living. I have simplified and cut back and re prioritized. I have chosen to be filled up in much more meaningful and lasting ways. I have started to notice more how much I have, how blessed I am truly am and how little else I really need. I guess today I relearned something really important...Chanel sunglasses do not bring lasting happiness.

Treasure in Fragile Clay Jars

2007-05-30T14:14:00.000-07:00

In my last entry, I wrote about how amazing it is that when you put your complete faith in Jesus Christ, that God's Holy Spirit takes up residence in your body...literally. Although it's a tough concept to accept, especially in 2007, I am living proof of it's truth. Not that my life was a complete mess before I met God, it wasn't, it was looking real good and my life was going great. But for me, that was exactly the problem. My life was full of blessings and I was terrified that it was all going to come to an end at any moment. I lived in fear that something terrible was going to happen and turn my life upside down. That is no way to live. God met me in that fear, shook things up, had me face it head on and then called me to him. I answered. I took the time to read and learn, to ask questions and challenge beliefs. And during that searching period, somewhere along the way, I made the decision to give up control and let God take over. I have no idea when it happened, but my heart changed and for the first time my life I felt whole and safe and purposeful. I didn't have anything to do with that, I can't take credit for any of it, it was God's spirit, moving inside of me, that made the change.

"We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves." 2 Corinthians 4:7