My "Un-Call"

I heard the term "Un-Call" used this morning by a woman at my church who was giving her testimony at Bible Study. She talked about how she thought she had a "call" on her life, made all moves in that direction and then at a very important moment God spoke to her and gave her the "Un-Call," telling her that this was actually not what He wanted for her.
I didn't really get it, but I liked the idea.
Well, this evening, I got my very own "Un-Call!"
Mark and I feel that God has called our family to adopt. We feel pretty certain that it will be from South Africa, as He has us so intimately involved with Acres of Love and the AIDS pandemic and the orphaned children there. So, out of obedience I thought that I should just start making steps in the direction of international adoption and see what happened. I talked with lots of people and did a ton of research on Christian agencies and learned that adopting from South Africa is not fully approved for the US right now. (soon though, hopefully) So, I just figured that maybe God wants us to be open to other African countries too, also terribly effected by the AIDS crisis. We went to a meeting tonight with an international agency and learned about the options of adopting from Ethiopia. And there, I got my "Un-Call!" Although my heart is broken for the the children all over the world who are suffering and who need homes, like the one I could give, I feel strongly that God does not want us to adopt to just adopt. And Mark expressed on the way home that he was feeling the same "Un-Call!" We both feel that God has something else planned for us. What? We do not have a clue, but going through an agency like this to adopt from just somewhere isn't it. We are fairly certain that God's plan for our adoption will look very different.
I have to be honest, this is killing me. I can't stand knowing that God wants adoption from me, and then He expects me to just sit and wait. I am not good at waiting! I want to do something, get busy, get "doing." Why the waiting?
Surely, I will look back at this time someday and be thankful to the God who knew I needed this time for Him to work in us and on our family and get things all just right. He's good like that! I have to just trust the call that Mark and I have both separately heard from God and have faith that in His perfect timing, we will hear from him again and know what to do next.

Can I Walk The Walk?

I've been talking a big game lately....all about how God has really transformed me and shown me that I have been called to a life of sacrifice in order to serve the orphaned children in Africa.
So, now, am I REALLY ready to do that? Now that I really "get it" with my head, now that I've shared that this is what I want my life to be about, will I able to live it out, day by day, for real? Am I ready to stop my frivolous spending, not be so preoccupied with the "finer things," with my social status, with the latest and greatest fashion trend or the not so necessary cup of afternoon chai tea from Starbucks or the pedicure or the lunch out with the kids, so that our family can have the money we need to give, to maybe adopt, etc? Am I ready to give up the approval of others that I have always craved and be ready for the possible criticism, eye rolls and outright disapproval of the choices we, as a family, will make in order to follow Christ? Am I ready, prepared, to stand firm in my beliefs and truly live out the life that I am certain God wants me to? Am I convinced that living for the Lord is more important than anything else? Am I sure that I am able to rise above the standards of "this world" and live with my eye on the eternal?
I know one thing for sure, I will not be able to do this, not at all, not even for one day, not in my own strength, not without the help of the holy spirit. Without continually surrendering to God's will and looking at the hurting world through his eyes, I will fall very short of the life that He has planned for me. I will only be able to be effective for him if I am constantly seeking him, submitting to him, humbling myself before him, serving him and begging for his help,
So, it's time to stop talking...and get to walking....

"Coolness on the earth
Actually isn't worth
Anything to the King"
-Rob Biagi

Where Is He Leading Me?

God has clearly brought me to this very place in my life right now:
I am getting stronger in my faith everyday
Mark and I are on the same page to raise our family under the direction and leading of Christ
We agree that He is unarguably present in our lives and we are striving to "Take up our cross and follow Him"
I am fulfilling the calling on my life to work with Acres of Love to rescue and care for AIDS orphans in South Africa
We are working hard to just "get by" financially and feel that God is using this time to reshape our priorities regarding material things, social status, the burden of "stuff" and the freedom that can come from truly recognizing the deep needs of orphans and evaluating where we can make a difference.

As I prepare for my trip to South Africa in September, I get the sense that God is really preparing me for the impact that it is going to have on me. I am fearful of how much it's going to really shake me up and how hard it will be to return to "Orange County living." Since I have become educated on the dire situation in Africa and the immense need of the people, especially children there, I am changed. I can't enjoy my lifestyle the way I used to, I can't enjoy shopping or other meaningless luxuries, I don't taste or feel or experience anything the way that I used to. Everything is different.
I get the feeling that God is getting ready to lead me in a most challenging and uncomfortable direction. I am sensing that I will soon be confronted with my "one big evil" that will really force me to choose between clinging to the life that I thought I always wanted and trusting God's leading to a place of true material sacrifice in order to be in a position to really reach out and save lives. It is freaking me out and I almost wish He would just leave me alone already! :) (not really, of course!) But I feel pretty exhausted and stretched and emotionally drained, I can only imagine what is on the horizon for me.

"I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it
Something on the road cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of and what I know of Love...
I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction
Something on the road cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire...
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
Your courage asks me what I am made of...and what I know of Love...and what I know of God"
-Sara Groves