I heard the term "Un-Call" used this morning by a woman at my church who was giving her testimony at Bible Study. She talked about how she thought she had a "call" on her life, made all moves in that direction and then at a very important moment God spoke to her and gave her the "Un-Call," telling her that this was actually not what He wanted for her.
I didn't really get it, but I liked the idea.
Well, this evening, I got my very own "Un-Call!"
Mark and I feel that God has called our family to adopt. We feel pretty certain that it will be from South Africa, as He has us so intimately involved with Acres of Love and the AIDS pandemic and the orphaned children there. So, out of obedience I thought that I should just start making steps in the direction of international adoption and see what happened. I talked with lots of people and did a ton of research on Christian agencies and learned that adopting from South Africa is not fully approved for the US right now. (soon though, hopefully) So, I just figured that maybe God wants us to be open to other African countries too, also terribly effected by the AIDS crisis. We went to a meeting tonight with an international agency and learned about the options of adopting from Ethiopia. And there, I got my "Un-Call!" Although my heart is broken for the the children all over the world who are suffering and who need homes, like the one I could give, I feel strongly that God does not want us to adopt to just adopt. And Mark expressed on the way home that he was feeling the same "Un-Call!" We both feel that God has something else planned for us. What? We do not have a clue, but going through an agency like this to adopt from just somewhere isn't it. We are fairly certain that God's plan for our adoption will look very different.
I have to be honest, this is killing me. I can't stand knowing that God wants adoption from me, and then He expects me to just sit and wait. I am not good at waiting! I want to do something, get busy, get "doing." Why the waiting?
Surely, I will look back at this time someday and be thankful to the God who knew I needed this time for Him to work in us and on our family and get things all just right. He's good like that! I have to just trust the call that Mark and I have both separately heard from God and have faith that in His perfect timing, we will hear from him again and know what to do next.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Can I Walk The Walk?
I've been talking a big game lately....all about how God has really transformed me and shown me that I have been called to a life of sacrifice in order to serve the orphaned children in Africa.
So, now, am I REALLY ready to do that? Now that I really "get it" with my head, now that I've shared that this is what I want my life to be about, will I able to live it out, day by day, for real? Am I ready to stop my frivolous spending, not be so preoccupied with the "finer things," with my social status, with the latest and greatest fashion trend or the not so necessary cup of afternoon chai tea from Starbucks or the pedicure or the lunch out with the kids, so that our family can have the money we need to give, to maybe adopt, etc? Am I ready to give up the approval of others that I have always craved and be ready for the possible criticism, eye rolls and outright disapproval of the choices we, as a family, will make in order to follow Christ? Am I ready, prepared, to stand firm in my beliefs and truly live out the life that I am certain God wants me to? Am I convinced that living for the Lord is more important than anything else? Am I sure that I am able to rise above the standards of "this world" and live with my eye on the eternal?
I know one thing for sure, I will not be able to do this, not at all, not even for one day, not in my own strength, not without the help of the holy spirit. Without continually surrendering to God's will and looking at the hurting world through his eyes, I will fall very short of the life that He has planned for me. I will only be able to be effective for him if I am constantly seeking him, submitting to him, humbling myself before him, serving him and begging for his help,
So, it's time to stop talking...and get to walking....
"Coolness on the earth
Actually isn't worth
Anything to the King"
-Rob Biagi
So, now, am I REALLY ready to do that? Now that I really "get it" with my head, now that I've shared that this is what I want my life to be about, will I able to live it out, day by day, for real? Am I ready to stop my frivolous spending, not be so preoccupied with the "finer things," with my social status, with the latest and greatest fashion trend or the not so necessary cup of afternoon chai tea from Starbucks or the pedicure or the lunch out with the kids, so that our family can have the money we need to give, to maybe adopt, etc? Am I ready to give up the approval of others that I have always craved and be ready for the possible criticism, eye rolls and outright disapproval of the choices we, as a family, will make in order to follow Christ? Am I ready, prepared, to stand firm in my beliefs and truly live out the life that I am certain God wants me to? Am I convinced that living for the Lord is more important than anything else? Am I sure that I am able to rise above the standards of "this world" and live with my eye on the eternal?
I know one thing for sure, I will not be able to do this, not at all, not even for one day, not in my own strength, not without the help of the holy spirit. Without continually surrendering to God's will and looking at the hurting world through his eyes, I will fall very short of the life that He has planned for me. I will only be able to be effective for him if I am constantly seeking him, submitting to him, humbling myself before him, serving him and begging for his help,
So, it's time to stop talking...and get to walking....
"Coolness on the earth
Actually isn't worth
Anything to the King"
-Rob Biagi
Monday, July 14, 2008
Where Is He Leading Me?
God has clearly brought me to this very place in my life right now:
I am getting stronger in my faith everyday
Mark and I are on the same page to raise our family under the direction and leading of Christ
We agree that He is unarguably present in our lives and we are striving to "Take up our cross and follow Him"
I am fulfilling the calling on my life to work with Acres of Love to rescue and care for AIDS orphans in South Africa
We are working hard to just "get by" financially and feel that God is using this time to reshape our priorities regarding material things, social status, the burden of "stuff" and the freedom that can come from truly recognizing the deep needs of orphans and evaluating where we can make a difference.
As I prepare for my trip to South Africa in September, I get the sense that God is really preparing me for the impact that it is going to have on me. I am fearful of how much it's going to really shake me up and how hard it will be to return to "Orange County living." Since I have become educated on the dire situation in Africa and the immense need of the people, especially children there, I am changed. I can't enjoy my lifestyle the way I used to, I can't enjoy shopping or other meaningless luxuries, I don't taste or feel or experience anything the way that I used to. Everything is different.
I get the feeling that God is getting ready to lead me in a most challenging and uncomfortable direction. I am sensing that I will soon be confronted with my "one big evil" that will really force me to choose between clinging to the life that I thought I always wanted and trusting God's leading to a place of true material sacrifice in order to be in a position to really reach out and save lives. It is freaking me out and I almost wish He would just leave me alone already! :) (not really, of course!) But I feel pretty exhausted and stretched and emotionally drained, I can only imagine what is on the horizon for me.
"I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it
Something on the road cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of and what I know of Love...
I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction
Something on the road cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire...
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
Your courage asks me what I am made of...and what I know of Love...and what I know of God"
-Sara Groves
I am getting stronger in my faith everyday
Mark and I are on the same page to raise our family under the direction and leading of Christ
We agree that He is unarguably present in our lives and we are striving to "Take up our cross and follow Him"
I am fulfilling the calling on my life to work with Acres of Love to rescue and care for AIDS orphans in South Africa
We are working hard to just "get by" financially and feel that God is using this time to reshape our priorities regarding material things, social status, the burden of "stuff" and the freedom that can come from truly recognizing the deep needs of orphans and evaluating where we can make a difference.
As I prepare for my trip to South Africa in September, I get the sense that God is really preparing me for the impact that it is going to have on me. I am fearful of how much it's going to really shake me up and how hard it will be to return to "Orange County living." Since I have become educated on the dire situation in Africa and the immense need of the people, especially children there, I am changed. I can't enjoy my lifestyle the way I used to, I can't enjoy shopping or other meaningless luxuries, I don't taste or feel or experience anything the way that I used to. Everything is different.
I get the feeling that God is getting ready to lead me in a most challenging and uncomfortable direction. I am sensing that I will soon be confronted with my "one big evil" that will really force me to choose between clinging to the life that I thought I always wanted and trusting God's leading to a place of true material sacrifice in order to be in a position to really reach out and save lives. It is freaking me out and I almost wish He would just leave me alone already! :) (not really, of course!) But I feel pretty exhausted and stretched and emotionally drained, I can only imagine what is on the horizon for me.
"I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it
Something on the road cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of and what I know of Love...
I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction
Something on the road cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire...
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
Your courage asks me what I am made of...and what I know of Love...and what I know of God"
-Sara Groves
Sunday, June 29, 2008
A Prayer for A Student
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for my young student, you know her name. Thank you for calling me to become a leader in the high school ministry at our church and for leading me to these girls. Thank you for the opportunity to serve you in this capacity and for helping me to know you better and be more sure of my faith as I walk along side these young women to help them know you.
You tell us in the book of Matthew "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who ask, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."
Lord, my student is in a season of her life where she is questioning, seeking, knocking. She is looking for you, desiring a real relationship with you, hoping that it will make a difference in her life. Lord, I pray that you will show up, in a huge way, in her life right now. I pray that she will continue to press on and seek to know you and that you will be faithful to meet her where she is. I pray that you will reveal yourself to her, that you will make it so obvious of your presence and your nature and your love that she will just know, without any question, who you are. I pray that she will be able to be vulnerable, real, exposed and that she will let down her guard in order to experience you in a new way. She has a need to "check off the to-do list", thinking that her faith is about doing the right things and being the right kind of Christian. Lord, help her to see and know that you are about grace and that nothing she can DO will earn your favor. Help her to understand that you love her, you desire her, you are already there for her.
Lord, help me to help her in this journey of finding you. Use me to reveal yourself to her. Let my words, be your words and allow me to be there for her as you would need me to. Let this time of studying your word together this summer be an awesome and overwhelming time of discovering you.
In Christ's Name,
Amen
Thank you for my young student, you know her name. Thank you for calling me to become a leader in the high school ministry at our church and for leading me to these girls. Thank you for the opportunity to serve you in this capacity and for helping me to know you better and be more sure of my faith as I walk along side these young women to help them know you.
You tell us in the book of Matthew "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who ask, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."
Lord, my student is in a season of her life where she is questioning, seeking, knocking. She is looking for you, desiring a real relationship with you, hoping that it will make a difference in her life. Lord, I pray that you will show up, in a huge way, in her life right now. I pray that she will continue to press on and seek to know you and that you will be faithful to meet her where she is. I pray that you will reveal yourself to her, that you will make it so obvious of your presence and your nature and your love that she will just know, without any question, who you are. I pray that she will be able to be vulnerable, real, exposed and that she will let down her guard in order to experience you in a new way. She has a need to "check off the to-do list", thinking that her faith is about doing the right things and being the right kind of Christian. Lord, help her to see and know that you are about grace and that nothing she can DO will earn your favor. Help her to understand that you love her, you desire her, you are already there for her.
Lord, help me to help her in this journey of finding you. Use me to reveal yourself to her. Let my words, be your words and allow me to be there for her as you would need me to. Let this time of studying your word together this summer be an awesome and overwhelming time of discovering you.
In Christ's Name,
Amen
Friday, June 13, 2008
Step Away From The Mall
I have been so good at saving money lately, at being a helpful and supportive wife by significantly cutting back on all spending, at not placing so much importance on stuff and clothes and these shallow means for satisfying that certain longing to feel good. I have chosen to use my time more wisely, just packing picnics and hanging at the park or the beach. I've been staying clear of all Targets and Nordstroms and any type of needless shopping at all that sucks me into that place where I just "have to have it!" I've been working so hard at trying to truly evaluate what "need" is and spend accordingly. Do I really NEED that pedicure? Do I really NEED that candle for the house or that Starbucks coffee? No, those are not needs. The children in Africa understand needs. They NEED parents and food and medicine and education and love. Those are NEEDS!!
I am trying to abandon all those superficial desires in order to strip myself of worldly influence, in order to focus more healthy attention on my family and my faith, in order to lay those addictions at the feet of God's throne and ask for healing from those longings and desires, in order to live out the faith I claim has set me free, in order to demonstrate to my young daughters that they are precious children of God who have been showered with blessing and who can stand firm in the hope that this "stuff" doesn't make a darn bit of difference, but living for God is all they NEED.
It's tough to live at this time and in this place and try to go out to dinner with all your pretty girlfriends without the cutest new outfit and a mani/pedi. That is sad, really, that is sad. But it's the truth and one that I am not proud of struggling with. I must say though that I've done pretty good for the last couple months since I have gotten away from this lifestyle and have felt better, a little more free and much less defined by the world.
But then I went and did the unthinkable....I went to Target on Monday and to the mall today....and now there is a war going on inside me and I want, want, want! It's crazy, like someone unleashed an animal inside me that wants the next best thing and swears that I will feel good, so my life will be better if I just have that top....
I am trying to abandon all those superficial desires in order to strip myself of worldly influence, in order to focus more healthy attention on my family and my faith, in order to lay those addictions at the feet of God's throne and ask for healing from those longings and desires, in order to live out the faith I claim has set me free, in order to demonstrate to my young daughters that they are precious children of God who have been showered with blessing and who can stand firm in the hope that this "stuff" doesn't make a darn bit of difference, but living for God is all they NEED.
It's tough to live at this time and in this place and try to go out to dinner with all your pretty girlfriends without the cutest new outfit and a mani/pedi. That is sad, really, that is sad. But it's the truth and one that I am not proud of struggling with. I must say though that I've done pretty good for the last couple months since I have gotten away from this lifestyle and have felt better, a little more free and much less defined by the world.
But then I went and did the unthinkable....I went to Target on Monday and to the mall today....and now there is a war going on inside me and I want, want, want! It's crazy, like someone unleashed an animal inside me that wants the next best thing and swears that I will feel good, so my life will be better if I just have that top....
Thursday, June 12, 2008
More Than "This World" Has To Offer
At the encouragement of 2 staff people at Acres of Love, including the founder, Gerda, I am starting to read "A Chance to Die." (it got the fast pass into my hands even though I have a stack of about 10 Christian and South Africa books I am eager to get into!!) It is the life and legacy of Amy Carmichael, who understood true discipleship and lived it out. She felt the call to the mission field, followed God's guidance and eventually went to India and founded a refuge for orphans. I am only about 50 pages in, but already feel a weird sense of understanding of Amy's heart and faith.
On page 37 I read about how Amy had gone to this Christian convention. At the end of the night the chairman rose for the last prayer..."O Lord, we know Thou art able to keep us from falling." and Amy says that "those words found me. It was as if they were alight. And they shone for me." She sounds like a passionate, romantic....I can relate.
Her biographer writes that after the convention Amy went out for lunch. "The mutton chops they ordered were badly cooked. Mutton chops? thought Amy. What does it matter about Mutton Chops? The Lord is able to keep us from falling! To keep us from falling! This, this at last, was what she had prayed and agonized for...If mutton chops didn't matter anymore, neither did clothes...She was now, in the language of the apostle Paul, "dead to the world." To Amy, the world meant fashion, finery, luxury of any sort. She would follow Him who had no home, no earthly possessions beyond the bare minimum. She would be 'dead to the world and its applause, to all its customs, fashions, laws.' It is the measure of her commitment that she did not hesitate to relinquish all that seemed to her inimical to the true life of discipleship."
Funny, these words seemed alight for me.
I have felt this way since the beginning of my Christian walk. I have felt increasingly "dead to the world" as I have come to know Christ more and more. Before I knew Christ I was "of this world," grading myself based on the standards that others put in place. I was preoccupied with status and wealth and nice things, who strived for the good life and comfortable future, who desired security, who bought into this culture and time.
But once I came to truly know Christ, my priorities and desires changed. Since I have accepted his offer of forgiveness and cleansing and a chance to be "reborn," I see things through His eyes and not my own. Now I feel like I understand what this whole life is really about. It's not about wealth and stuff and getting ahead and worldly success or even about comfort or security. It's about love and freedom and peace. It's about being free in Christ, truly free to accept love and to share love with others. It's not about us, it's about Him. It's about getting over ourselves, getting over our pride and our ego and the idea that we are in charge. It's about surrendering and admitting that we don't have it all figured out, and that we trust that God does and that we want to live for the Creator that is finishing the good work He once started.
Lately I've had the sense that God is really trying to show me that I can claim this freedom in Him, that I don't have to submit to the standards of this world, that He is calling me to a much more meaningful life of truly loving Him and others and making a lasting difference in the lives of orphaned children in Africa. I get the feeling that God wants to me be aware that there is so much more to this life that I will have when I commit to following Him no matter where that takes me, more than I would have if I were to sit still and fearfully cling to the "stuff" and status of this world.
As I navigate through this season that God is taking me through, I pray for wisdom. Being the passionate, romantic, I want to abandon it all! I want to be like Amy Carmichael. Because of her commitment to the Lord she could no longer see enjoyment in Mutton Chops and fashion. I am beginning to have feelings like that too. Since I know of the pain and suffering that goes on in South Africa I am having trouble enjoying food and leisure and any non-necessity anymore. Things just don't look and taste and feel the same to me now. I pray that God will work this all out within me and show me where He needs me and wants me to be. I pray that I will move slowly, not get ahead of myself that I will be still and quiet enough to sense his leading and that I will just get out of the way so that He can do His thing!
On page 37 I read about how Amy had gone to this Christian convention. At the end of the night the chairman rose for the last prayer..."O Lord, we know Thou art able to keep us from falling." and Amy says that "those words found me. It was as if they were alight. And they shone for me." She sounds like a passionate, romantic....I can relate.
Her biographer writes that after the convention Amy went out for lunch. "The mutton chops they ordered were badly cooked. Mutton chops? thought Amy. What does it matter about Mutton Chops? The Lord is able to keep us from falling! To keep us from falling! This, this at last, was what she had prayed and agonized for...If mutton chops didn't matter anymore, neither did clothes...She was now, in the language of the apostle Paul, "dead to the world." To Amy, the world meant fashion, finery, luxury of any sort. She would follow Him who had no home, no earthly possessions beyond the bare minimum. She would be 'dead to the world and its applause, to all its customs, fashions, laws.' It is the measure of her commitment that she did not hesitate to relinquish all that seemed to her inimical to the true life of discipleship."
Funny, these words seemed alight for me.
I have felt this way since the beginning of my Christian walk. I have felt increasingly "dead to the world" as I have come to know Christ more and more. Before I knew Christ I was "of this world," grading myself based on the standards that others put in place. I was preoccupied with status and wealth and nice things, who strived for the good life and comfortable future, who desired security, who bought into this culture and time.
But once I came to truly know Christ, my priorities and desires changed. Since I have accepted his offer of forgiveness and cleansing and a chance to be "reborn," I see things through His eyes and not my own. Now I feel like I understand what this whole life is really about. It's not about wealth and stuff and getting ahead and worldly success or even about comfort or security. It's about love and freedom and peace. It's about being free in Christ, truly free to accept love and to share love with others. It's not about us, it's about Him. It's about getting over ourselves, getting over our pride and our ego and the idea that we are in charge. It's about surrendering and admitting that we don't have it all figured out, and that we trust that God does and that we want to live for the Creator that is finishing the good work He once started.
Lately I've had the sense that God is really trying to show me that I can claim this freedom in Him, that I don't have to submit to the standards of this world, that He is calling me to a much more meaningful life of truly loving Him and others and making a lasting difference in the lives of orphaned children in Africa. I get the feeling that God wants to me be aware that there is so much more to this life that I will have when I commit to following Him no matter where that takes me, more than I would have if I were to sit still and fearfully cling to the "stuff" and status of this world.
As I navigate through this season that God is taking me through, I pray for wisdom. Being the passionate, romantic, I want to abandon it all! I want to be like Amy Carmichael. Because of her commitment to the Lord she could no longer see enjoyment in Mutton Chops and fashion. I am beginning to have feelings like that too. Since I know of the pain and suffering that goes on in South Africa I am having trouble enjoying food and leisure and any non-necessity anymore. Things just don't look and taste and feel the same to me now. I pray that God will work this all out within me and show me where He needs me and wants me to be. I pray that I will move slowly, not get ahead of myself that I will be still and quiet enough to sense his leading and that I will just get out of the way so that He can do His thing!
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Even Through The Flood
My trip to South Africa in September to work with the kids at Acres of Love costs $5000. We do not have that money. So I decided to send out a letter to 140 of my closest friends and family :), explaining my passion for this cause, my commitment to fundraise for the kids, and my desire to travel to South Africa to meet the children, work with them and experience how the organization is run. I asked, if they could, to donate money for my travels.
In the meantime, I was very persistent in prayer, begging God to provide the funds for me to go if that was His plan for me and asking for a clear answer if it wasn't. I had faith that getting to $5000 was possible, seeing as I was certain that God had clearly called me to work with Acres of Love and with Him all things were possible, but there was a private part of me that was terrified that I wasn't going to raise the money, wasn't going to make the trip and was going to be left without the experience of knowing the kids firsthand.
Then, if the money matters in our home weren't tight enough, a few days before a big deposit was due for the trip and my funds were coming up short....I came downstairs in the morning to a flood in our kitchen! So now we are forking over $1000 to our insurance company and I am left wondering "Okay God, what am I supposed to do now?! I am trying to have faith that you will provide for me, but where is the money gonna come from?" I was still certain that going on this trip to South Africa was a step in obedience towards the God that called me there, so I began the process to list things all over my house for sale on Craig's List. I am of the mind set that nothing will keep me from those kids, nothing will keep me from my calling, no personal possession will prevent me from responding to what God wants from my life. I began to see life differently. Suddenly everything had a price tag and a way to get me to South Africa and I felt a shift in my whole outlook on life and material gain and status and the world. Things became crystal clear to me and I started to see where God was leading me and my future with all of Africa and the HIV pandemic and orphans and our obligation to do whatever it takes to step out and be His saving presence to a hurting people. There was a new fire in me and I knew I had to get to South Africa, meet those kids, understand their struggles, and come back to America an educated ambassador to fight for them.
A couple days later I get a call from Acres of Love that someone had made an anonymous donation towards my trip for $1000!! Later that same day I got word that another anonymous donation had been made in the amount of $1500!!!
God is so good, so faithful, so capable, so very real and alive and present and working. I am blown away by the way that He showed up in this situation and shouted out to me that He is faithful to provide and He is blessing my efforts with Acres and He is present with all my life's drama and He is working through me and the lives of His people to accomplish His purpose. You cannot tell me that getting $2500 in anonymous donations right after this flood is not God! I am still in awe and disbelief and shaking my head and giggling, And my heart is singing that God has confirmed that I am where he wants me. I am going to South Africa!!
In the meantime, I was very persistent in prayer, begging God to provide the funds for me to go if that was His plan for me and asking for a clear answer if it wasn't. I had faith that getting to $5000 was possible, seeing as I was certain that God had clearly called me to work with Acres of Love and with Him all things were possible, but there was a private part of me that was terrified that I wasn't going to raise the money, wasn't going to make the trip and was going to be left without the experience of knowing the kids firsthand.
Then, if the money matters in our home weren't tight enough, a few days before a big deposit was due for the trip and my funds were coming up short....I came downstairs in the morning to a flood in our kitchen! So now we are forking over $1000 to our insurance company and I am left wondering "Okay God, what am I supposed to do now?! I am trying to have faith that you will provide for me, but where is the money gonna come from?" I was still certain that going on this trip to South Africa was a step in obedience towards the God that called me there, so I began the process to list things all over my house for sale on Craig's List. I am of the mind set that nothing will keep me from those kids, nothing will keep me from my calling, no personal possession will prevent me from responding to what God wants from my life. I began to see life differently. Suddenly everything had a price tag and a way to get me to South Africa and I felt a shift in my whole outlook on life and material gain and status and the world. Things became crystal clear to me and I started to see where God was leading me and my future with all of Africa and the HIV pandemic and orphans and our obligation to do whatever it takes to step out and be His saving presence to a hurting people. There was a new fire in me and I knew I had to get to South Africa, meet those kids, understand their struggles, and come back to America an educated ambassador to fight for them.
A couple days later I get a call from Acres of Love that someone had made an anonymous donation towards my trip for $1000!! Later that same day I got word that another anonymous donation had been made in the amount of $1500!!!
God is so good, so faithful, so capable, so very real and alive and present and working. I am blown away by the way that He showed up in this situation and shouted out to me that He is faithful to provide and He is blessing my efforts with Acres and He is present with all my life's drama and He is working through me and the lives of His people to accomplish His purpose. You cannot tell me that getting $2500 in anonymous donations right after this flood is not God! I am still in awe and disbelief and shaking my head and giggling, And my heart is singing that God has confirmed that I am where he wants me. I am going to South Africa!!
Saturday, May 24, 2008
A Messy Prayer
Heavenly Father,
I feel so anxious this afternoon, I can't quiet my thoughts. My family is all resting throughout the house and for some reason I cannot calm down. My heart is pounding so hard in my chest and there is an aching in my throat because I am trying to hold my tears in. I feel confused and messy and chaotic. But in some weird way I feel a certainty and a peace about some very new and difficult truths that I have gotten from you as I prayed while trying to nap.
I was lying next to my sweet Katelyn, rubbing her back while she fell sleep and praying for her. Thank you for those moments, they are some of my favorites. I always start out praying for those big things like her safety and health and her happiness and then I always come back to that realization that all I really want for my children is that they truly know you, passionately commit their lives to you, follow you and desire you, and fulfill your will for their lives. I want nothing more than that for them. I know that if they are in your hands there is no better way. You tell us in Jeremiah 29 "For I know the plans I have for you, they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me whole heartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you." Those are such encouraging and hopeful words and they assure me in such a real way. I want my girls with you, however that looks and turns out. I just know that if my girls are faithful about knowing you that they will live a life of purpose and meaning and peace and hope. No matter what happens along they way in their life, I want them with you.
As I was praying those things to you today you hit me hard with a new thought.....that is what you want for me too. You want me with you. You want me to follow you. You want me to respond to your call on my life and trust that you have it all under control. You want me to believe, really believe that you have good and hopeful plans for my future. That if I trust in you and follow you, you will lead me on a journey that will far surpass any dream I could have for myself. You want me to have have obedience and faith and act accordingly, knowing that you are there and I am in good hands. Lord, I want to believe that, help me.
I cannot escape from the idea that you are turning my life upside down and inside out!! I get the sense that with every step I make to follow you and be obedient to your call, you are leading me down a path of some really big stuff. I am scared to death. I just know that you are preparing me for some major life changes and I feel myself tensing up and clinging on. It's so weird because there is a very big part of me that wants to give myself completely over to you, and just be an open and obedient and faithful servant. But then I get freaked out because I am afraid of what that all means.
I feel a very deep desire to serve the orphaned children in Africa. A very deep desire that I cannot turn off or get away from. It is something that is on my mind all the time and everything I do and think seems to come back to it. It effects how I spend my money and how I enjoy my free time and how I pray and how I have com to understand my faith and your word and the whole meaning of life. I just feel like it is something that I am obligated to do, to give of my time and my talents and my heart and my possessions so that I can serve those children that otherwise would have nothing. It seems so clear to me that every Christian and believer should be doing something drastic in their lives in order to truly reach out to the needy. If we aren't doing that, then what does our faith mean? What is it for? Why even claim to believe in God? It's not some religious, spiritual, fluffy, feel good journey that we are on here. We are here for something more, something much bigger.
And the thing is, I know this, I just know it. And I know for sure that you are asking me to really dig in and do something and sacrifice and serve. And that all sounds really good and romantic for a few minutes until I start to consider what that really means for my life. That means that I need to really, really change how I view my needs and my comfort and my time and entertainment, etc. That means I really need to figure out how I'm going to help you change this world. And that's where I freeze up and try to tune you out.
Of course, it's no coincidence that I keep turning to these books like "Red Letters." And practically the whole book is filled with my yellow high lighter! Today I was reading about the rich young ruler who asked Jesus how he could inherit eternal life. Jesus tells him to go sell everything he has and give it to the poor. Then to follow him. "Jesus told the man what his heart was searching for, but the man just wasn't ready to receive it. He wasn't ready to live for something bigger than himself. I often wonder what this man's life would have looked like if he had accepted Jesus' invitation. "Follow me, " Jesus had offered. What an invitation. This man could have walked the earth alongside the Creator of the universe. He could have witnessed miracles. And he could have learned what it meant to follow God from God himself. Instead, he just turned and walked away, a victim of his own selfishness, of his inability to live a truly big life, not as calculated by dollars and cents, but as calculated by the incalculable impact he could have had on the lives of others."
I can't help but shake my head as I write that quote. I feel like you are literally in front of me, inviting me to follow you and make a difference in the lives of hurting and desperate children in Africa. Why you chose me for this particular cause, I don't know. But I just know you're inviting me. And in my mortal and sinful and prideful body I look right at you and say..."I'm not sure!"
Lord, forgive me for knowing the right thing to do and not doing it. Forgive me for being scared and selfish and afraid and for not trusting you with my life the way I say that I want to. Lord, help me.
In Jesus Name I Pray,
Amen
I feel so anxious this afternoon, I can't quiet my thoughts. My family is all resting throughout the house and for some reason I cannot calm down. My heart is pounding so hard in my chest and there is an aching in my throat because I am trying to hold my tears in. I feel confused and messy and chaotic. But in some weird way I feel a certainty and a peace about some very new and difficult truths that I have gotten from you as I prayed while trying to nap.
I was lying next to my sweet Katelyn, rubbing her back while she fell sleep and praying for her. Thank you for those moments, they are some of my favorites. I always start out praying for those big things like her safety and health and her happiness and then I always come back to that realization that all I really want for my children is that they truly know you, passionately commit their lives to you, follow you and desire you, and fulfill your will for their lives. I want nothing more than that for them. I know that if they are in your hands there is no better way. You tell us in Jeremiah 29 "For I know the plans I have for you, they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me whole heartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you." Those are such encouraging and hopeful words and they assure me in such a real way. I want my girls with you, however that looks and turns out. I just know that if my girls are faithful about knowing you that they will live a life of purpose and meaning and peace and hope. No matter what happens along they way in their life, I want them with you.
As I was praying those things to you today you hit me hard with a new thought.....that is what you want for me too. You want me with you. You want me to follow you. You want me to respond to your call on my life and trust that you have it all under control. You want me to believe, really believe that you have good and hopeful plans for my future. That if I trust in you and follow you, you will lead me on a journey that will far surpass any dream I could have for myself. You want me to have have obedience and faith and act accordingly, knowing that you are there and I am in good hands. Lord, I want to believe that, help me.
I cannot escape from the idea that you are turning my life upside down and inside out!! I get the sense that with every step I make to follow you and be obedient to your call, you are leading me down a path of some really big stuff. I am scared to death. I just know that you are preparing me for some major life changes and I feel myself tensing up and clinging on. It's so weird because there is a very big part of me that wants to give myself completely over to you, and just be an open and obedient and faithful servant. But then I get freaked out because I am afraid of what that all means.
I feel a very deep desire to serve the orphaned children in Africa. A very deep desire that I cannot turn off or get away from. It is something that is on my mind all the time and everything I do and think seems to come back to it. It effects how I spend my money and how I enjoy my free time and how I pray and how I have com to understand my faith and your word and the whole meaning of life. I just feel like it is something that I am obligated to do, to give of my time and my talents and my heart and my possessions so that I can serve those children that otherwise would have nothing. It seems so clear to me that every Christian and believer should be doing something drastic in their lives in order to truly reach out to the needy. If we aren't doing that, then what does our faith mean? What is it for? Why even claim to believe in God? It's not some religious, spiritual, fluffy, feel good journey that we are on here. We are here for something more, something much bigger.
And the thing is, I know this, I just know it. And I know for sure that you are asking me to really dig in and do something and sacrifice and serve. And that all sounds really good and romantic for a few minutes until I start to consider what that really means for my life. That means that I need to really, really change how I view my needs and my comfort and my time and entertainment, etc. That means I really need to figure out how I'm going to help you change this world. And that's where I freeze up and try to tune you out.
Of course, it's no coincidence that I keep turning to these books like "Red Letters." And practically the whole book is filled with my yellow high lighter! Today I was reading about the rich young ruler who asked Jesus how he could inherit eternal life. Jesus tells him to go sell everything he has and give it to the poor. Then to follow him. "Jesus told the man what his heart was searching for, but the man just wasn't ready to receive it. He wasn't ready to live for something bigger than himself. I often wonder what this man's life would have looked like if he had accepted Jesus' invitation. "Follow me, " Jesus had offered. What an invitation. This man could have walked the earth alongside the Creator of the universe. He could have witnessed miracles. And he could have learned what it meant to follow God from God himself. Instead, he just turned and walked away, a victim of his own selfishness, of his inability to live a truly big life, not as calculated by dollars and cents, but as calculated by the incalculable impact he could have had on the lives of others."
I can't help but shake my head as I write that quote. I feel like you are literally in front of me, inviting me to follow you and make a difference in the lives of hurting and desperate children in Africa. Why you chose me for this particular cause, I don't know. But I just know you're inviting me. And in my mortal and sinful and prideful body I look right at you and say..."I'm not sure!"
Lord, forgive me for knowing the right thing to do and not doing it. Forgive me for being scared and selfish and afraid and for not trusting you with my life the way I say that I want to. Lord, help me.
In Jesus Name I Pray,
Amen
Friday, May 23, 2008
Your List and Final Judgement
In Tom Davis's book, Red Letters, he poses a question, "Make a mental list of the top 5 things that matter most to you...Let me see if I can guess...Family? Friends? Your relationship with God? Safety? Security?...These are all good things...But here's the million dollar question...Do our lists match God's?...I wonder if the 5,500 Africans dying every day from preventable diseases are at the top of his list?...Surely they are...Jesus is interested in what we are doing with our compassion and acts of mercy. He doesn't care about how religious we appear. If our Christian faith doesn't manifest into something that helps the life of another human being, it doesn't mean squat to him."
In the Bible Jesus tells a story about the Final Judgement....."Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Matthew 25:34-40
In the Bible Jesus tells a story about the Final Judgement....."Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Matthew 25:34-40
THIS Day
I get up early every day, 5am early, and put on my running shoes and head out the door. I love this time. I love being up and out and moving before my family is up, before most of San Clemente is up, before the sun is up. As I run and listen to my Ipod, filled with some awesome Christian music, I pray for my day, for my family's day, for all things on my heart, whether they be praises, requests or pleads. I start every morning prayer with this verse from Psalm 118:24..."This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it."
I love starting my day with this frame of mind. The word "THIS" means so much to me and really puts my priorities in order. THIS is the day, just today, just THIS day that the Lord has made for me. Life is busy and hectic and chaotic and there are so many things to do and worry about and stress over. But If I just remember that I am so grateful to just have today, just this one day to be alive and share myself with my husband and my kids and my family and friends, then life seems a little more manageable. Then I can try to just focus on what I want to do with just this one day, who I want to be, how I want to speak and act and spend my time. I start to see more clearly how purposeful I can be in this one day and decide more deliberately how I will treat others and give of myself. I begin to feel overwhelming thanks and gratitude to the God who has allowed me to be here today. I begin to feel fortunate and lucky and blessed. I begin to be appreciative of the people in my life and the gifts and talents that I possess that I can share. I find myself rejoicing, celebrating my life and thanking God for the awesome opportunity to serve Him, to be his partner in making a difference in the lives of my kids, my neighbors, the world.
What if I only had THIS day? What if I just have this one? How do I know as I pray in the morning that it wont be the last time I start a day this way? And if it is the last day that the Lord will have me here, then what will I do with it? How will I use it? What difference will I make? What message will I send to my kids? What example will I set for them? What lasting impression will I make on the people around me? What impact will I leave on this world? Will it be a better place because I was here? Will people know by the way I spend this one day that I love the Lord, that I want nothing more than to serve Him? Will my friends and neighbors really, really, really know me? Will they know that I am filled with a deep desire to follow Christ and help him to redeem this world? Will they be surprised to hear others talk about my faith after I am gone? Or will they already have known about the change in me?
I pray that I am a genuine, authentic, transparent woman and disciple of Christ and that on THIS day I make Him proud.
I love starting my day with this frame of mind. The word "THIS" means so much to me and really puts my priorities in order. THIS is the day, just today, just THIS day that the Lord has made for me. Life is busy and hectic and chaotic and there are so many things to do and worry about and stress over. But If I just remember that I am so grateful to just have today, just this one day to be alive and share myself with my husband and my kids and my family and friends, then life seems a little more manageable. Then I can try to just focus on what I want to do with just this one day, who I want to be, how I want to speak and act and spend my time. I start to see more clearly how purposeful I can be in this one day and decide more deliberately how I will treat others and give of myself. I begin to feel overwhelming thanks and gratitude to the God who has allowed me to be here today. I begin to feel fortunate and lucky and blessed. I begin to be appreciative of the people in my life and the gifts and talents that I possess that I can share. I find myself rejoicing, celebrating my life and thanking God for the awesome opportunity to serve Him, to be his partner in making a difference in the lives of my kids, my neighbors, the world.
What if I only had THIS day? What if I just have this one? How do I know as I pray in the morning that it wont be the last time I start a day this way? And if it is the last day that the Lord will have me here, then what will I do with it? How will I use it? What difference will I make? What message will I send to my kids? What example will I set for them? What lasting impression will I make on the people around me? What impact will I leave on this world? Will it be a better place because I was here? Will people know by the way I spend this one day that I love the Lord, that I want nothing more than to serve Him? Will my friends and neighbors really, really, really know me? Will they know that I am filled with a deep desire to follow Christ and help him to redeem this world? Will they be surprised to hear others talk about my faith after I am gone? Or will they already have known about the change in me?
I pray that I am a genuine, authentic, transparent woman and disciple of Christ and that on THIS day I make Him proud.
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