The Temptation: To Be Relevant

In my former life, before I was a stay-at-home mom, I was a high school guidance counselor. I loved my job. I earned my Master's degree in school counseling and had found the place where I truly felt that I was using my gifts and talents and passions. I, unlike many, have a particular fondness for high school aged kids . I am fascinated by that age group, am attracted to the drama,the energy, the fun, the excitement. I guess it's because I loved my own high school experience. I had a blast during that time of my life. I have fond memories, I had great friends, I fit in and I really enjoyed that stage.
After being home with my own kids for a few years, I felt a longing to get involved with high school kids again. I found my eyes were always drawn to the left side of the church sanctuary on Sunday mornings, where all the high school kids sat. I decided to get involved with the high school ministry and am now a small group leader for the 10th and 11th grade girls.
Now I spend every Wednesday night with the high school kids. This past Wednesday we were all meeting together, boys and girls from grades 9-12. Before a game, worship and discussion time, everyone is just hanging out, socializing and visiting with each other. This 15 minute "hang time" on Wednesday nights has got to be the most challenging time of every week for me. I keep thinking it will get easier, but I am still struggling. When was the last time you walked into a room filled with high school kids, all who know each other, and tried to fit in? tried to find someone who would talk to you? find something to talk about? You would think that you have grown up enough, evolved enough, so now you wouldn't be so intimidated by them or care about what they think of you, right? Well, let me tell you, it's just as awkward and scary and intimidating now, as a 30-something year old!!
Once we get into the thick of the evening, and I am in my "leader" role, I start to feel a little more comfortable, but still, they are a tough crowd. I am finding that I am not as easily accepted among this group as I thought I would be. I keep wanting to reassure them, "Hey, I'm cool. Really, I was pretty cool when I was in high school, I think you would have liked me. I know I'm old and out of it now, but in my day, I was alright!" That probably wouldn't help, huh?
In a great book I recently read called, In The Name of Jesus, Henri Nouwen
describes his similar struggle to assert his leadership within a new community. He says, "Not being able to use any of the skills that proved so practical in the past was a real source of anxiety. I was suddenly faced with my naked self, open for affirmations and rejections, hugs and punches, smiles and tears, all dependent on how I was perceived at the moment...forced to let go of my relevant self, and forced to reclaim that unadorned self in which I am completely vulnerable, open to receive and give love regardless of any accomplishments. I am telling you all this because I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self. That is the way Jesus came to reveal God's love."
My struggle will be to let go of my pride and ego, of my relevant self, and just be a humble and loving servant of God.