My Toe Nails Are Way Ahead Of My Heart

September 1st was a special day for me. Not only was it my mom's bday (happy belated mom, love ya!), but it marked the anniversary of the beginning of my relationship with God. We just celebrated 2 years together!
I have been doing some deep reflecting on the changes in my life over the last couple of years. I have made some major transformations...or rather....God has made some major transformations in me! I have entered into a committed and dependent relationship with Christ, I go to church, I was baptized, I am a fascinated and devoted student of the Bible, I listen to Christian Radio, I wear a cross around my neck, I serve as a leader for the high school ministry, I have simplified, re prioritized and slowed down...a little. I am not as driven by material gain or status, by fashion or trends. It just doesn't seem that important to me anymore. If you knew me two years ago...and you know me now....one of the biggest indications of the change in me is my unpedicured toes!!! I never would have gone more than 3 weeks without getting my toes painted and my feet massaged, and I wouldn't have been caught dead with "the natural" look in flip flops! Well, here I sit, no polish on my toes, and flip flops are part of my summer uniform. I am a changed woman! Something in me just feels free not to worry about that anymore, where 2 years ago, anxiety would have taken over my day if a toe nail chipped. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with having nicely pedicured toes, and I intend to still enjoy that on special occasions, but for ME, this is a huge sign of the changes going on.
But I am sad to report that I don't feel like my insides have made such impressive improvements. I still find myself regularly grouchy, snapping at my husband and children, still gossiping and judging people and feeling insecure and depressed and inadequate. I still struggle with so many "issues" and wonder when my insides will really start to heal. I want so much to be a good person, to feel secure in my own skin, to be at peace, to love others always, to treat people with kindness, but the truth is that I still have so far to go. Hopefully, in another 2 years, I will be able to report that God has helped me break free of some of these old struggles.