A Messy Prayer

Heavenly Father,
I feel so anxious this afternoon, I can't quiet my thoughts. My family is all resting throughout the house and for some reason I cannot calm down. My heart is pounding so hard in my chest and there is an aching in my throat because I am trying to hold my tears in. I feel confused and messy and chaotic. But in some weird way I feel a certainty and a peace about some very new and difficult truths that I have gotten from you as I prayed while trying to nap.
I was lying next to my sweet Katelyn, rubbing her back while she fell sleep and praying for her. Thank you for those moments, they are some of my favorites. I always start out praying for those big things like her safety and health and her happiness and then I always come back to that realization that all I really want for my children is that they truly know you, passionately commit their lives to you, follow you and desire you, and fulfill your will for their lives. I want nothing more than that for them. I know that if they are in your hands there is no better way. You tell us in Jeremiah 29 "For I know the plans I have for you, they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me whole heartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you." Those are such encouraging and hopeful words and they assure me in such a real way. I want my girls with you, however that looks and turns out. I just know that if my girls are faithful about knowing you that they will live a life of purpose and meaning and peace and hope. No matter what happens along they way in their life, I want them with you.
As I was praying those things to you today you hit me hard with a new thought.....that is what you want for me too. You want me with you. You want me to follow you. You want me to respond to your call on my life and trust that you have it all under control. You want me to believe, really believe that you have good and hopeful plans for my future. That if I trust in you and follow you, you will lead me on a journey that will far surpass any dream I could have for myself. You want me to have have obedience and faith and act accordingly, knowing that you are there and I am in good hands. Lord, I want to believe that, help me.
I cannot escape from the idea that you are turning my life upside down and inside out!! I get the sense that with every step I make to follow you and be obedient to your call, you are leading me down a path of some really big stuff. I am scared to death. I just know that you are preparing me for some major life changes and I feel myself tensing up and clinging on. It's so weird because there is a very big part of me that wants to give myself completely over to you, and just be an open and obedient and faithful servant. But then I get freaked out because I am afraid of what that all means.
I feel a very deep desire to serve the orphaned children in Africa. A very deep desire that I cannot turn off or get away from. It is something that is on my mind all the time and everything I do and think seems to come back to it. It effects how I spend my money and how I enjoy my free time and how I pray and how I have com to understand my faith and your word and the whole meaning of life. I just feel like it is something that I am obligated to do, to give of my time and my talents and my heart and my possessions so that I can serve those children that otherwise would have nothing. It seems so clear to me that every Christian and believer should be doing something drastic in their lives in order to truly reach out to the needy. If we aren't doing that, then what does our faith mean? What is it for? Why even claim to believe in God? It's not some religious, spiritual, fluffy, feel good journey that we are on here. We are here for something more, something much bigger.
And the thing is, I know this, I just know it. And I know for sure that you are asking me to really dig in and do something and sacrifice and serve. And that all sounds really good and romantic for a few minutes until I start to consider what that really means for my life. That means that I need to really, really change how I view my needs and my comfort and my time and entertainment, etc. That means I really need to figure out how I'm going to help you change this world. And that's where I freeze up and try to tune you out.
Of course, it's no coincidence that I keep turning to these books like "Red Letters." And practically the whole book is filled with my yellow high lighter! Today I was reading about the rich young ruler who asked Jesus how he could inherit eternal life. Jesus tells him to go sell everything he has and give it to the poor. Then to follow him. "Jesus told the man what his heart was searching for, but the man just wasn't ready to receive it. He wasn't ready to live for something bigger than himself. I often wonder what this man's life would have looked like if he had accepted Jesus' invitation. "Follow me, " Jesus had offered. What an invitation. This man could have walked the earth alongside the Creator of the universe. He could have witnessed miracles. And he could have learned what it meant to follow God from God himself. Instead, he just turned and walked away, a victim of his own selfishness, of his inability to live a truly big life, not as calculated by dollars and cents, but as calculated by the incalculable impact he could have had on the lives of others."
I can't help but shake my head as I write that quote. I feel like you are literally in front of me, inviting me to follow you and make a difference in the lives of hurting and desperate children in Africa. Why you chose me for this particular cause, I don't know. But I just know you're inviting me. And in my mortal and sinful and prideful body I look right at you and say..."I'm not sure!"
Lord, forgive me for knowing the right thing to do and not doing it. Forgive me for being scared and selfish and afraid and for not trusting you with my life the way I say that I want to. Lord, help me.
In Jesus Name I Pray,
Amen

Your List and Final Judgement

In Tom Davis's book, Red Letters, he poses a question, "Make a mental list of the top 5 things that matter most to you...Let me see if I can guess...Family? Friends? Your relationship with God? Safety? Security?...These are all good things...But here's the million dollar question...Do our lists match God's?...I wonder if the 5,500 Africans dying every day from preventable diseases are at the top of his list?...Surely they are...Jesus is interested in what we are doing with our compassion and acts of mercy. He doesn't care about how religious we appear. If our Christian faith doesn't manifest into something that helps the life of another human being, it doesn't mean squat to him."
In the Bible Jesus tells a story about the Final Judgement....."Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Matthew 25:34-40

THIS Day

I get up early every day, 5am early, and put on my running shoes and head out the door. I love this time. I love being up and out and moving before my family is up, before most of San Clemente is up, before the sun is up. As I run and listen to my Ipod, filled with some awesome Christian music, I pray for my day, for my family's day, for all things on my heart, whether they be praises, requests or pleads. I start every morning prayer with this verse from Psalm 118:24..."This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it."
I love starting my day with this frame of mind. The word "THIS" means so much to me and really puts my priorities in order. THIS is the day, just today, just THIS day that the Lord has made for me. Life is busy and hectic and chaotic and there are so many things to do and worry about and stress over. But If I just remember that I am so grateful to just have today, just this one day to be alive and share myself with my husband and my kids and my family and friends, then life seems a little more manageable. Then I can try to just focus on what I want to do with just this one day, who I want to be, how I want to speak and act and spend my time. I start to see more clearly how purposeful I can be in this one day and decide more deliberately how I will treat others and give of myself. I begin to feel overwhelming thanks and gratitude to the God who has allowed me to be here today. I begin to feel fortunate and lucky and blessed. I begin to be appreciative of the people in my life and the gifts and talents that I possess that I can share. I find myself rejoicing, celebrating my life and thanking God for the awesome opportunity to serve Him, to be his partner in making a difference in the lives of my kids, my neighbors, the world.
What if I only had THIS day? What if I just have this one? How do I know as I pray in the morning that it wont be the last time I start a day this way? And if it is the last day that the Lord will have me here, then what will I do with it? How will I use it? What difference will I make? What message will I send to my kids? What example will I set for them? What lasting impression will I make on the people around me? What impact will I leave on this world? Will it be a better place because I was here? Will people know by the way I spend this one day that I love the Lord, that I want nothing more than to serve Him? Will my friends and neighbors really, really, really know me? Will they know that I am filled with a deep desire to follow Christ and help him to redeem this world? Will they be surprised to hear others talk about my faith after I am gone? Or will they already have known about the change in me?
I pray that I am a genuine, authentic, transparent woman and disciple of Christ and that on THIS day I make Him proud.

What Have We Become?

"Even though we possess most of the waelth in the world, there are many who aren't doing anything to help the world's poor. I'm not talking about giving financially when we don't have money to give. I'm talking about giving out of our abuudance. Let's put this in perspective...the four dollars I spend on a grande mocha with extra whip is enough to pay for the malaria medicine a child would need to stay alive in a third-world country...Why don't we act? Why don't we choose to make a difference? One reason is because we're afraid. We spend most of our time trying to protect what we have, fearing what would happen if that went away. When we do this, we become shackled to our possessions. In essence, we limit our range of motion. We can't reach far enough to offer compassion because our arms are too busy holding all that we own...Building walls around our possessions and our lives leads to selfishness and hardened hearts. When we live with a "never enough" mentality, life is so overhwlming we couldn't possibly help someone else."
-Red Letters by Tom Davis

I Love You Mom

Mom,
I love you. You are such a good mom. There are so many qualities that you possess as a mother that I hope my girls will see in me.
You are so devoted and committed to our family. There has never been a moment when I didn't feel right in the middle of your lavish love. You have always made our family a top priority and we have always known and felt your love and loyalty. That was always so important to me growing up, just knowing that I mattered and that I was valued and important. That sense of security and praise that you showed me helped me to become a confident and comfortable woman, one who trusts and easily accepts love and is able to give love.
You were always honest and open and genuine. One of the things that Nick and I always enjoyed most about our family is that everything, EVERYTHING is up for discussion. Our home was always one where we felt we could ask and discuss, challenge and inquire and nothing felt that it was off limits. The dinner table always turned into a place where we talked openly about our days, about the issues we were dealing with, got good advice and felt that we were known and heard and understood. You always made us feel that home was a place we could really be ourselves and that you were the place we could come to with our problems. Your willingness to talk to us about things made me always feel safe and I only hope that I can be that inviting and brave and real with my daughters.
You are so thoughtful and giving. You always went out of your way to make us and others feel special. You are generous with your money and your time. Being that type of person to those in our family and even those not, showed me how to care for others, how to express my love, how to give of myself.
And you are compassion and emotion and big heart made Nick and I into the people that we are. I know that some of our ways are hard for you, like Nick's Peace Corps experience and my trip to South Africa...but you raised us into people that care, that really dig deep, that are moved to action, that are not okay with complacency. Being raised under your blanket of love and example taught us that it was okay to be ourselves and that is exactly what we are. Thank you mom!!
Kim

My Other Family...The Bridges Forever Home

The goal for "Mommies In America" is to raise $40,000 this year to cover the basic needs and healthcare costs for the 8 children that live in the Bridges Forever Home. What an honor is would be to be able to provide for them in this way, knowing where they come from, the tragedy and loss they have faced and the amazing grace that God has shown them by rescuing them and placing them in the warm embrace at Acres of Love.

I Can't Wait...

...to meet these two girls on my trip to South Africa. They live together in the Bridges Forever Home and have been a huge focus of my commitment to Acres of Love. I can't believe that within months I will be hugging them, playing with them, getting to know them and filling up on their inspiration.
The 10 year old girl on the left arrived at Acres of Love with stage 4 AIDS, blood cancer and little hope of survival. To date, she is the only known survivor of both AIDS and cancer throughout the world! Through the love and care of Acres of Love and the will of God, she is victoriously battling for her life. She is excelling in school and refusing to let anything keep her from her full potential.
The 9 year old girl on the right was brought to Acres of Love at the age of 5 and has both HIV and HPV because of the severe abuse that she suffered after her parents died from AIDS. Over the last 2 years, this brave little girl has undergone multiple surgeries to have the warts caused by HPV removed, a process that brings incredible pain and very slow healing. My fundraising group "Mommies in America" recently raised $25,000 to cover the cost of her extensive medical needs. She is surrounded by a medical team of some of the world's top physicians and is expected to soon be well enough to play, learn and grow as any other precious 9 year old girl.
I have personally committed to raise $2000 over the next year to cover the cost for education for both of these girls. And "Mommies in America" has set a goal of raising $40,000 to cover all basic needs (food, clothing, toiletry items) and healthcare (ARV medication, vitamins, pathology and homeopathic meds) costs for all of the 8 kids that live in the Bridges Forever Home.

Why I want to go to South Africa...

"I Saw What I Saw and I Can't Forget It"

Sara Groves, "I Saw What I Saw"