There is a place, where I feel like I belong. There is a place where I feel like I was meant to be. When I am in this place my heart feels full and warm and my body tingles and I think I might even be floating. When I am in this place, everything in my confusing and chaotic world feels right and perfect and I feel complete and satisfied and lacking nothing.
I found myself in that place again yesterday morning. I was in my church's sanctuary, I was sitting in the pew, my eyes were closed and I was signing the words to a worship song that seemed was written just for me, in my situation, to sing to my Lord. The words to the song sang "It's your kindness Lord, that leads us to repentance..." I could hear the beautiful voices of the other people around me also singing with purpose to our God. I was smiling and crying at the same time, feeling so overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness and vulnerability and proper perspective. I opened my eyes to look around at all the different types of people and giggled at how amazing it is that we can all come together in agreement about the Lord of this world and praise His name together. It's a beautiful and holy and sacred thing that I feel privileged to be a part of.
It is in this place where I always feel the most at home, the most whole, the most genuine, the most accepted, the most alive. It is there that I feel cIosest to the Lord. It is this place that I desire more and more of.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Real Love
"We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion-how can God's love be in that person?" 1 John 4:16-17
When I read verses like this my heart goes pitter pat. These are the truths that really jump off the page at me, that really hit home, that really make sense to me. This is the life I desire. This is the life that I have always, always dreamed of. Even before I knew Christ, I wanted to be the type of person that would help others. I have always wanted to save this world from itself and make a difference. And now that I know Christ, and I understand his will, I want it even more, but now for the right reason and with the right action plan.
But to want and to do are two totally different things. And this is the frustrating and exhausting place that I find myself in right now. I am having a difficult time with completely surrendering to God, trusting his plan for my life and living this type of sacrificial way, giving of myself and my things and my time and talents in order to serve those with true needs. Now that I am in a position to truly make that difference I've always dreamed of, I am freaking out and panicking and frozen. And I am full of guilt and sorrow because I know that God has clearly called me to live a very specific way, that he has set me apart, that he has equipped me, and right now...I am kinda ignoring him. And what does that really mean? I am not obeying him. I am not trusting him. I am not submitting to him. I am not living completely for him. I clinging to my old life, still. And I am telling the God that created me, that loves me, that saved me, that calls me to a free and satisfying life that I am really not ready to demonstrate and share real love.
And yet with every prayer, I still beg for God to change me and transform me and purify me to make me more like Him and less like me. I yearn, so, so deeply for that kind of change. There is a big part of me that knows God is offering me that change, when I obey him, sacrifice myself and live to fulfill the needs of others as a response to my love for him. And yet, I just don't.
When I read verses like this my heart goes pitter pat. These are the truths that really jump off the page at me, that really hit home, that really make sense to me. This is the life I desire. This is the life that I have always, always dreamed of. Even before I knew Christ, I wanted to be the type of person that would help others. I have always wanted to save this world from itself and make a difference. And now that I know Christ, and I understand his will, I want it even more, but now for the right reason and with the right action plan.
But to want and to do are two totally different things. And this is the frustrating and exhausting place that I find myself in right now. I am having a difficult time with completely surrendering to God, trusting his plan for my life and living this type of sacrificial way, giving of myself and my things and my time and talents in order to serve those with true needs. Now that I am in a position to truly make that difference I've always dreamed of, I am freaking out and panicking and frozen. And I am full of guilt and sorrow because I know that God has clearly called me to live a very specific way, that he has set me apart, that he has equipped me, and right now...I am kinda ignoring him. And what does that really mean? I am not obeying him. I am not trusting him. I am not submitting to him. I am not living completely for him. I clinging to my old life, still. And I am telling the God that created me, that loves me, that saved me, that calls me to a free and satisfying life that I am really not ready to demonstrate and share real love.
And yet with every prayer, I still beg for God to change me and transform me and purify me to make me more like Him and less like me. I yearn, so, so deeply for that kind of change. There is a big part of me that knows God is offering me that change, when I obey him, sacrifice myself and live to fulfill the needs of others as a response to my love for him. And yet, I just don't.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
True Freedom
Mark was also at camp last week, acting as counselor for the 10th grade boys. When he pondered the questions "If you could do one thing for God and know that you couldn't fail, what would it be?" and "What is keeping you from doing that?" his answers were "I would want everyone to be able to pursue their life's passions, to work like they didn't need the money, dance like no one was watching, love like they had never been hurt....to be truly free to live and love. However, I feel like I can't do that because I am overburdened with bills, with real world responsibilities with the burden of providing for my family and trying to get by in this culture and economy."
I wonder how Jesus feels when we answer like this. I wonder if God just feels so sad for us, if he just sighs and shakes his head and wonders if we will every get it. I can't help but think that we are way off base, so far from living the type of lives that God created us to live. We have shackled ourselves, imprisoned ourselves, tied ourselves down. As Christians we claim to be "free." Jesus told us in John 8 "You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Do you feel free?
To me, to be free means that I am mobile, I am able to move about and love and serve and act in response to a need and just be fluid and flowing. It means that I am not obligated, not scheduled, not constrained. It means that I am living my life as it comes, making deliberate choices each day, each moment as I feel called or moved to.
I don't feel this way. I feel pressured and stressed and boxed in and obligated and resentful and burdened and chaotic. I believe that we are missing something huge here. I sense that our culture is sadly off kilter. I am certain that God is mourning the loss of the type of freedom that he created us for. I have tasted satisfying bits of freedom when I have allowed myself to "go there" with Christ, truly accepting his truth, getting lost in a worship song, honestly loving and serving another person, being in the moment, letting my guard down, etc. I think that unless we figure out how to truly get free in Jesus Christ all the time, then we will always be banging our head against the wall. But how do we do that in 2008? How do we do that in Orange County, CA? How do we do that while paying a mortgage and raising kids and putting food on the table? How do we get truly free? I want it...I want true, true, freedom.
I wonder how Jesus feels when we answer like this. I wonder if God just feels so sad for us, if he just sighs and shakes his head and wonders if we will every get it. I can't help but think that we are way off base, so far from living the type of lives that God created us to live. We have shackled ourselves, imprisoned ourselves, tied ourselves down. As Christians we claim to be "free." Jesus told us in John 8 "You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Do you feel free?
To me, to be free means that I am mobile, I am able to move about and love and serve and act in response to a need and just be fluid and flowing. It means that I am not obligated, not scheduled, not constrained. It means that I am living my life as it comes, making deliberate choices each day, each moment as I feel called or moved to.
I don't feel this way. I feel pressured and stressed and boxed in and obligated and resentful and burdened and chaotic. I believe that we are missing something huge here. I sense that our culture is sadly off kilter. I am certain that God is mourning the loss of the type of freedom that he created us for. I have tasted satisfying bits of freedom when I have allowed myself to "go there" with Christ, truly accepting his truth, getting lost in a worship song, honestly loving and serving another person, being in the moment, letting my guard down, etc. I think that unless we figure out how to truly get free in Jesus Christ all the time, then we will always be banging our head against the wall. But how do we do that in 2008? How do we do that in Orange County, CA? How do we do that while paying a mortgage and raising kids and putting food on the table? How do we get truly free? I want it...I want true, true, freedom.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
It's Me....
One of the many great thought provoking activities that I got to take part in at camp last week involved a rock. We were to think about the one thing that seems to be getting in the way, distracting us, weighing us down, keeping us from obeying the voice of God. We were all given a rock, and on this rock we were asked to write down the word that describes that distraction or weight.
I wrote..."ME!"
Lord,
Help me to quiet down. My mind is racing lately and I feel anxious and hyper and chaotic. I sense that you are at work, whispering in my ear and a very clear and constant "shhhhhhh!!!!" I know that you are wanting me to slow down, clear my calendar, peel off all unnecessary commitments, focus, chill, quiet down and just be. I struggle with this Lord, you know that, which is probably the reason why you are having me to do it. I keep getting in the way, getting busy, making a mess, creating stress and burdens and yuck. I have trouble just resting in your presence. Help me to slow down, to trust that just "being" is okay and that it is an obedient response to you. Help me to get over myself and my idea that I have to "do" to be worthy. Help me to slow down and be deliberate in my life. Help me to get out of the way so that you can work. Help me to sit still and be quiet long enough to hear your voice. Help me Lord to trust that this is where you want me, quiet, open, still, peaceful, fresh, ready, willing, open. Help me to shed me of "me!"
In Christ's Name,
Amen
I wrote..."ME!"
Lord,
Help me to quiet down. My mind is racing lately and I feel anxious and hyper and chaotic. I sense that you are at work, whispering in my ear and a very clear and constant "shhhhhhh!!!!" I know that you are wanting me to slow down, clear my calendar, peel off all unnecessary commitments, focus, chill, quiet down and just be. I struggle with this Lord, you know that, which is probably the reason why you are having me to do it. I keep getting in the way, getting busy, making a mess, creating stress and burdens and yuck. I have trouble just resting in your presence. Help me to slow down, to trust that just "being" is okay and that it is an obedient response to you. Help me to get over myself and my idea that I have to "do" to be worthy. Help me to slow down and be deliberate in my life. Help me to get out of the way so that you can work. Help me to sit still and be quiet long enough to hear your voice. Help me Lord to trust that this is where you want me, quiet, open, still, peaceful, fresh, ready, willing, open. Help me to shed me of "me!"
In Christ's Name,
Amen
Friday, August 1, 2008
A Question, Your Answer...His Voice
Over the last week, I spent 4 days at high school camp as the counselor for 12 junior and senior girls. I had a blast and might have been the happiest camper there! The girls that I lead were amazing, all so fun and silly and adventurous and wonderful. It was great experience for me, allowing me to challenge myself little bit and try new things (I will blog about those things later for sure!) and it gave me some awesome time away to experience God in a whole new way.
One night at our evening meeting, the head pastor of our church challenged all the kids with this question..."if you could do one thing for God and know you couldn't fail, what would it be?" He proceeded to encourage the kids that he was certain that most of the time, the thing that is on our hearts to do for God, could very well be our calling. But what happens? Why don't we do those things? Why do we end up feeling defeated and discouraged and beaten down, feeling that we could never accomplish those things? Because the messages of "the world" are usually that...pretty defeating and discouraging. If I were to answer the question, honestly, it would be that I would rescue all of the victimized children in the world. There is nothing that upsets me more than to know that children are being abused, abandoned, mistreated, uncared for. My heart just can't take it. And honestly, I believe that God is calling me to be active in this cause, starting with rescuing the orphans in South Africa. But even though I am intimately involved in doing this, I still feel overwhelmed and overburdened with the enormity of the job and there are moments when I just want to throw my hands up and forget about it, because there is no way that I can really make a difference. But those are the voice of the world that are getting to me, telling me that it's impossible, ridiculous, idealistic. But with God, I believe that this can be done. Maybe not with just me alone, but I can be a part of the saving movement. And I know that this is the kind of thing that Jesus came to the world to do, to save, and as long as I am serving Him, together we can make a difference. So, the challenge is then to listen more to the voice of God, telling me what I CAN do, than to the voices of the world telling me what I CAN'T do. Now, how do I do that???
One night at our evening meeting, the head pastor of our church challenged all the kids with this question..."if you could do one thing for God and know you couldn't fail, what would it be?" He proceeded to encourage the kids that he was certain that most of the time, the thing that is on our hearts to do for God, could very well be our calling. But what happens? Why don't we do those things? Why do we end up feeling defeated and discouraged and beaten down, feeling that we could never accomplish those things? Because the messages of "the world" are usually that...pretty defeating and discouraging. If I were to answer the question, honestly, it would be that I would rescue all of the victimized children in the world. There is nothing that upsets me more than to know that children are being abused, abandoned, mistreated, uncared for. My heart just can't take it. And honestly, I believe that God is calling me to be active in this cause, starting with rescuing the orphans in South Africa. But even though I am intimately involved in doing this, I still feel overwhelmed and overburdened with the enormity of the job and there are moments when I just want to throw my hands up and forget about it, because there is no way that I can really make a difference. But those are the voice of the world that are getting to me, telling me that it's impossible, ridiculous, idealistic. But with God, I believe that this can be done. Maybe not with just me alone, but I can be a part of the saving movement. And I know that this is the kind of thing that Jesus came to the world to do, to save, and as long as I am serving Him, together we can make a difference. So, the challenge is then to listen more to the voice of God, telling me what I CAN do, than to the voices of the world telling me what I CAN'T do. Now, how do I do that???
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