What Happened To Me? (Part 2)

In the first weeks of my faith journey I emailed the senior pastor at San Clemente Presbyterian Church. I had gone there a couple of times, liked the atmosphere, but had a lot of questions. At this point, believing in God was still something that I didn't "get" and I certainly wasn't even near comfortable with all the "Jesus Christ talk." I told him a short version of my story, listed off several questions, concerns, and skepticism's and asked what his advice would be to learn a little more. He invited me to come talk with him. Impressive.

So I nervously went to his office with my list of major problems with the faith. We talked, easily, about how I was feeling, what I was afraid of, why I had trouble believing. His advice was simple....keep coming to church, start out by reading the New Testament and get to know who Jesus is, and just try to approach all of this as if you believe it. He asked if he could pray for me, I obliged, we bowed our heads. I can't remember what the prayer was, but I remember that I teared up, that it felt intimate, powerful and special. Looking back on it now, I'm sure that prayer was monumental to the change I experienced in my heart.

So, I did what he suggested. I kept going to church, and I really liked it. I even sang the words to the songs, even though it was really, really awkward at first. I was diligent about reading the Bible, although it was overwhelming and I didn't really "get it." And I read a couple of other great Christian 101 books that he suggested. I kept an open mind, tried to really learn and research and put aside all of my own preconceptions.

Slowly, slowly....I started to really crave more knowledge, I started to look forward to my reading, I started to understand more and "get it." I found myself desperate to know more, starving for more information and answers and finding a peace in my heart that I had truly never known. I was changing, big time!!

Jesus said, "Pay close attention to what you hear. The closer you listen, the more understanding you will be given- and you will receive even more."

Mark 4:24

Stay tuned for more....

What Happened To Me? (part 1)

2 years ago, I had no idea what it was like to live the Christian life. I was doing well, living well, was a good and decent person and had no interest in religion. The thought of going church or reading the Bible or talking about Jesus Christ would have made me incredibly uncomfortable.



But here I am today, totally transformed and changed, from the inside out. Sometimes I look back and wonder what the heck happened! I wonder how I got to this point, where it all took place and what happened to all of my questions and doubts and accusations. How am I so sure that I believe in God? When did I even decide to believe in Him? And how did I learn all this stuff that I know about Jesus and the Bible? How in the world is it that I am certain that He is my Lord, my Savior, my King? How, How, How am I even saying those words without rolling my eyes? Why am I so eager to go to church, to be in Bible study, to be in prayer? Why do I want to listen to Christian radio and worship music? Am I really wearing a cross around my neck?
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?



I think that we are all built with that piece of us that is missing, that hole in our heart that is longing to be filled. I think that we are all made to search for our purpose, our reason, the answer about the truth of this life.

I believe, with my whole heart, that I have found "the truth."

Happy Father's Day

To Mark, my husband, my very best friend, my perfect balance.....
You are the most amazing father. Thank you for working so hard, without complaints, to provide for our family. We feel so safe and taken care of. Thank you for being so loving and gentle. You are so great at showing and expressing your love. Thank you for the time you spend with our daughters. I love to watch you play and laugh and dance and sing with our girls. You are setting a high and important standard for our daughters for the type of man that they will someday choose. Our girls adore you and trust you and admire you. Thank you for being so supportive and understanding of my role, of my challenges, and for helping me to be a better mom. Thank you for your commitment to our marriage, to our friendship, to our journey as a family. I love you so much and it's been a joy to watch you grow into such a great dad. I thank God for you everyday.
Always, Me

A Challenge: Practice The Golden Rule

If you were to spend a day with our family, you would inevitably see me put our 3 1/2 year old, precious, daughter in a time out. (at least once!) She is usually escorted over to her "time out spot" in the dining room after she has been physically rough with her younger sister. After a couple of minutes I come back and join her. I sit with her on the ground, face to face, and I ask her...."Katelyn, do you know why I put you in time out?" She almost always does!! Then I ask, "What is the Golden Rule?" And She answers, "Treat others you want to be treated." (so cute!) I then discuss with her how her actions might have made someone feel and how they would make her feel if they had been done to her. She seems to get it and I am hopeful that I am on my way to raising a compassionate and thoughtful young woman.
Jesus taught us in Matthew 7:12 to "Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you."
Everyone is familiar with the Golden Rule, right? But really, I think it is brilliant! Can you imagine what this world would be like if everyone truly took part in this philosophy? This could be a great way of bringing about much needed peace and harmony. It's elementary....but perfect. Jesus was so right on here. (and everywhere!)
Here's a challenge....practice the Golden Rule and see what a difference it makes. I have been trying it and am astonished with the results. I am hoping to "be the change that I want to see in the world." I am making a point to say a friendly hello to the stranger I walk by on the street. I am enthusiastically thanking the clerk who helps me at the store. I am trying to compliment the woman standing next to me in line on her blouse. I am trying to send thoughtful notes to old friends. I am trying to reach out to neighbors in need. I am trying to offer help to someone I know wont ask for it. I am desperately trying to be the person that I would want someone to be to me. It's a joy to see how simple acts of heartfelt kindess make a difference to a person.
I have been blessed by God. I feel so lucky. I feel so alive. Maybe the person next to me isn't in that same happy place. I hope that my simple hello or thank you or genuine smile or compliment or helpful gesture will be just what that person needs to turn their day around. Maybe I can be what lifts their spirits. Maybe then, they can do it for someone else. Imagine the possibilities.

Stay-At-Home.....Moms

Right around the time of Mother's Day, Salary.com released an article that told what they had concluded a Stay-At-Home Mom would make in 2007.....if she were to receive a paycheck. They based the salary on the hours per week that a stay-at-home mom spends on the following jobs: housekeeper, day care center teacher, cook, computer operator, laundry machine operator, janitor, facilities manager, van driver, CEO and psychologist.
I went to Salary.com and was able to personalize my own salary based on the ages of my children and where I live. They concluded that I would be paid $152,896. I have to admit that I am smiling as I sit here and type this. I feel proud and validated. It's nice to know that people understand and acknowledge the amount of work that it takes to stay at home and take care of your house and family.
Now, if only I could remember how valuable I am. I know that the sacrifices that I am making and the time and energy that I am putting into raising my family is monumentally important, but sometimes it's so hard. The money is tight, sooooo tight on one income, the job is never ending and I get so overwhelmed. I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job. I feel like I should be better, more patient, more focused, more organized, more everything. But it's so hard and soon I realize that I've started just going through the motions, letting the days "happen" to me, getting caught up in the schedules and activities and errands. And just when I've had all I can take, I have a morning like I did today.
I made a point to really slow it down for the girls and I this morning. And after we hung out at the pool for awhile, we came home, had a nutritious lunch together and then we just chilled. And during that down time, I got to dance with my daughters, take pictures of them holding hands and spinning, spend time talking while together we cleaned up the play room and just "be" with them.
I forget, all too often, that being a stay-at-home mom isn't always about all the different jobs I do and the checks on my to-do list. But more often it should be about the time, the down time, the quality time, the once in a lifetime, that I get to spend with my kids.


Check out http://www.mom.salary.com/

Testimony

http://www.scpres.org/app/w_page.php?id=28&type=section

This link will take you directly to my church's (San Clemente Presbyterian Church) For Love of God and Neighbor Capital Campaign video. The whole video is well worth the 16 minutes it takes to watch. It shows the type of community I am priveleged to belong to and tells of the vision of our church family.
At about 9 min and 30 sec, I give my personal testimony.

Our Early Morning Sing Along

I took my girls and our dog for our usual power walk this morning. We were off and running at about 8:00am, the girls all snuggled up in the jogging stroller. It's such a great way to start off the week.
Katelyn, my 3 1/2 year old began to serenade us as we walked. She was rattling off a bunch of songs that she has learned at preschool. Starting with "God Bless America", to "Thank You For This Snack", to "Jesus Loves Me." Now, let it be known that Miss Katelyn is not shy about her singing, and she really likes to get it out as loudly as she can, which we usually will lovingly enjoy and encourage. I am sad to say that this morning, for a brief moment, I felt a little different about her performance.
We were coming around a corner, and there was a woman stopped there while her dog was going potty. Katelyn was proudly belting out "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so..." and she was so adorably doing the little signs that go with it. I felt myself get all freaked out and worried about what this woman would think. Maybe she didn't believe in Jesus. Maybe she would be offended by Katelyn's singing that song. Maybe I should quiet Katelyn down and ask her to stop.
That is so sad on so many levels. First, what a shame that I would be afraid to offend someone with my daughter's proud and beautiful singing about our Lord, who was surely smiling on while He heard her singing it. And it would have been awful to make her feel embarrassed or guarded or not free to just sing freely and proudly. And how unfortunate it would have been for me to demonstrate for my childrenhow we are to be ashamed about publicly yet politely sharing our faith.
I am happy to report that those feelings of of embarrassment only lasted a moment, and instead I found the courage to proudly sing along with her.

My Perfect Prescription

I don't know if I'm the only one that feels this way. (I suppose it's highly likely!) I am constantly disappointed with myself. As my husband so frequently reminds me, "Kim, you are your own worst enemy!" He is so right, I am. I am so hard on myself, so critical, so judgemental. I hold myself to such a high standard, expect a lot, and come down very hard when I don't meet my own expectations. It's crazy, this I know, but it's true.

The saddest part about this cycle is that I keep visiting the same issues, over and over and over. Really, they are the same ones!!! I find myself always setting goals for myself in the following areas:

1. Eat healthy

2. Exercise

3. Cut back on spending

4. Slow down, simplify, don't spread self too thin= spend QUALITY time with the kids

5. (over the last 2 years) Daily quiet time with God, reading Bible and in prayer

When I do those things for a substantial period of time, I feel awesome! I feel empowered and balanced and healthy in body and mind. The great feelings are positive reinforcement to stay the course and it's a wonderful cycle.

Then....I slip up on one thing, and then I get lazy in another area, and before I know it I feel like I have lost it in all areas and my life is a mess. It's kind of creepy how they all seem so connected. It's all or nothing. I am either "in control" or "out of control." And then the disappointment sets in, and I find myself in a short spell of disgust and self loathing......until I reset the SAME goals and try again.

And so, the prescription for my balanced life is easy to identify, but so hard for me to follow. How am I letting enriched carbs, laziness, frivilous spending, a hectic calendar and excuses for time away from God make me so sick???

Coincidence?

To make a VERY long story short....
I have been working very hard over the last several months to get a children's story, that I wrote, published. I spend any and all free time on this project. After much research and deliberation, my husband and I were moving in the direction of self publishing. And after many hours of time and dedication, we found ourselves at the "fork in the road" where the big decisions had to be made. And the biggest decision was about the huge amount of money that we would have to invest upfront. This put a damper on the dream and excitement. We just don't have the money to put into this right now. I was left questioning if we should move forward with the publishing at all.
And so I found myself back to where I started from with the project....in prayer. I realized that somewhere along the way I had removed God from the equation and was making all decisions on my own without council. And so I came back and asked God for His guidance, for His help, to let me know what he wanted me to do, to show me which direction he wanted me to go. I wanted this whole venture to be about Him from the beginning, to help to spread his message, to help to fulfill His purpose and plan for my life. Through my time in prayer I realized that this project had taken on a life of it's own, and that my pride and ego were starting to get in the way, and my stress and anxiety level were on an up rise. I was getting overwhelmed and spread too thin and feeling like my overall mood as a mother and wife were being affected. I began to ask God if this book was even something that he wanted me to do at all anymore.....
And the next day I started to get severe abdominal pains....that lasted several days....and I ended up in the ER with a ruptured ovarian cyst.
God??? Are you trying to tell me something??? Did I miss your voice the first few times you tried to tell me to slow it down? Was this the only way you could get me to chill out for a few days?
I wonder, is there such thing as a coincidence when you are asking for God's divine intervention? And I wonder, now, what am I to do? How do I know what God wants for my life? How do I know what is the right decision to make in regards to this book? And how do I know if something was just a coincidence....or if it was a "Godincidence?"

If Only I Could Have Chanel Sunglasses

My family went to a 3 year old birthday party this afternoon. I saw a young woman there, who I met some 10 years ago. She was with her husband and her two young boys. She looked amazing. She had on this really cute, stylish sundress, a beautiful red sweater over it, a pretty necklace with matching earrings, nice high heeled shoes and these obviously expensive Chanel sunglasses. She was fit and well put together and looked rich and happy. She was talking about the brand new house that they had just had custom built and her husband was in conversation about the small vineyard they were growing on all their acreage.

I thought to myself, "Darn it! This girl has got it made. It must be nice!! I wish I could have a ton of money, and dress so cute, and have a huge home and wear really expensive sunglasses. Surely, if I had all of that, I would be so happy!" It doesn't take me but a few moments to get all caught up in this stuff. I start feeling insecure, inadequate, jealous and unsatisfied.

Over the course of the next couple of hours, I chatted a bit with this gal and the truth began to unfold. She was constantly bummed out with her husband and his lack of involvement with the kids, they were feeling stressed over the finances, she is angry that she has to continue to work full time to help make the huge mortgage payments and she is overwhelmed at the task of raising two young kids. In a kind of sick and twisted way I was cheering on the inside..."Yes! She's normal!" And honestly, at this point, my life was looking so good.

It is dangerously easy for me to get caught up in that shallow, envious, resentful trap. I know in my heart that material possessions will never make me happy for long. I know that if I allow myself to get caught up in that, I will surely lose. I know that I will never have enough, that I will always want some "thing" more and that once I attain that "thing" happiness will be short lived and I'll be desiring some "thing" else. I realize that the longing for material things to make me happy, to fill a void, to gain respect doesn't work....and it's down right toxic.

I was disappointed in my momentary state of desire today. I have come so far with this issue. Over the last several months I had sort of jumped off the "merry-go-round of material want." I had found a quiet peacefulness in the deliberate choice to just remove myself from that way of living. I have simplified and cut back and re prioritized. I have chosen to be filled up in much more meaningful and lasting ways. I have started to notice more how much I have, how blessed I am truly am and how little else I really need. I guess today I relearned something really important...Chanel sunglasses do not bring lasting happiness.