In The Palm of His Hand

I imagine, God's hands. That's all I really see. Just His hands, together, cupped, making a round, safe, warm, protected shelter. I imagine that is the very place that He has me right now. I imagine that is where He holds my whole entire life, my passions and dreams, my purpose, my family and my heart and love and my future, all right there, in very palm of His hands. I imagine that He is holding His hands very steady, careful to hold me close, not to let me fall, but to assure me that I am safe in His care. It is here that He cleanses me, loves me, nurtures me, teaches me, prepares me. And I sense, with clear certainty, that He is getting ready to set me free. It seems that He will be nurturing me in this safe place for just a short while longer, and then He will be ready to lower His hands down, open up His grip and direct me off onto to a very specific path that He will encourage me down. I don't the place that He is leading me to, but I will know when I get there, and I will be ready to run.

The Revolution

I consider yesterday, September 1st, to be my 3rd anniversary of the day that I came to the Lord. I was getting a massage yesterday afternoon and it dawned on me, that I could have very well not even be alive. Had I not reached out to God in the late afternoon of Sept 1, 2005 I think that maybe I wouldn't even be here today. I count it as such an incredible blessing to be alive, to be here with my husband and kids and friends and family. I am overwhelmed with gratitude to the God that accepted me into this relationship with him after a lifetime of my choice to live apart from him. I want to live the rest of my life on purpose, deliberate, ever aware of the fact that I have a second chance to do this thing right, not for me, but for the Lord that I love and serve. He has done a mighty work in me in just 3 years, it's incredible. I am 100% certain that life with God is THE ONLY WAY!!!
I am about half way through the best book, and yesterday felt the sense that I needed to go back to the beginning and start over because I was craving the power and greatness of it all over again. I commit my life to this philosophy and to the "revolution" that I am following after.
Some excerpts from "The Jesus of Suburbia" by Mike Erre...
"I think we may have lost sight of Jesus among all the trappings of the Christian religion. Amid all the hype about the growing poltical power of the evangelicals, the growing numbers of mega-churches, and the booming, billion-dollar Christian subculture industry, I wonder if we have left Jesus behind?...My primary contention is this: Much of what passes for modern, western Christianity isn't of Jesus. We can (and do) lose Jesus right in the middle of prayer meetings and worship services. We can miss him in the bible and in the church...We may think we worship the Jesus of Nazareth, but in reality we worship the Jesus of Suburbia...The suburban Jesus would never be so offensive as to demand that we do what he says; he is more interested in the security, comfort and prosperity of his followers. In short, much of the message of American Christianity presents Jesus as the purveyor of the American Dream...Jesus birth was was revolution. It changed everything...If we understand his birth as revolution, ten we may glimpse the revolution that his life will bring. Jesus has been, and always will be, a threat to the established order of things...Our world doesn't want to be reminded of Christ-because he forces us to choose. In our just do it, have it all kind of world, the revolution of Jesus forces us to choose: Who is King? Who is Lord? What empire do you serve? What god do you bow down to?...We must be reawakened to the fact that the birth and life of jesus directly opposes the power and authority of this world. He has been and always will be a threat to everything...Not only did Jesus's birth turn everything upside down, so did his life and what he taught. You must die to live. You must lose to gain. Weakness is strength. Joy exists in the midst of suffering. Power is restraint. Love those who persecute you. Pray for those who hate you...This is revolution...Two kingdoms war on this earth...One is built on war, oppression, wealth, power, self-interest, and control; the other on love, faith, hope, freedom, grace, compassion, and truth...Will we choose the Jesus of Suburbia who exists to provide us with health, wealth, comfort and happiness? Or will we press on to find the Jesus of Nazareth, the most dangerous an radical man to ever walk the face of the earth? I want the real thing."

Home Sweet Home

There is a place, where I feel like I belong. There is a place where I feel like I was meant to be. When I am in this place my heart feels full and warm and my body tingles and I think I might even be floating. When I am in this place, everything in my confusing and chaotic world feels right and perfect and I feel complete and satisfied and lacking nothing.
I found myself in that place again yesterday morning. I was in my church's sanctuary, I was sitting in the pew, my eyes were closed and I was signing the words to a worship song that seemed was written just for me, in my situation, to sing to my Lord. The words to the song sang "It's your kindness Lord, that leads us to repentance..." I could hear the beautiful voices of the other people around me also singing with purpose to our God. I was smiling and crying at the same time, feeling so overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness and vulnerability and proper perspective. I opened my eyes to look around at all the different types of people and giggled at how amazing it is that we can all come together in agreement about the Lord of this world and praise His name together. It's a beautiful and holy and sacred thing that I feel privileged to be a part of.
It is in this place where I always feel the most at home, the most whole, the most genuine, the most accepted, the most alive. It is there that I feel cIosest to the Lord. It is this place that I desire more and more of.

Real Love

"We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion-how can God's love be in that person?" 1 John 4:16-17

When I read verses like this my heart goes pitter pat. These are the truths that really jump off the page at me, that really hit home, that really make sense to me. This is the life I desire. This is the life that I have always, always dreamed of. Even before I knew Christ, I wanted to be the type of person that would help others. I have always wanted to save this world from itself and make a difference. And now that I know Christ, and I understand his will, I want it even more, but now for the right reason and with the right action plan.

But to want and to do are two totally different things. And this is the frustrating and exhausting place that I find myself in right now. I am having a difficult time with completely surrendering to God, trusting his plan for my life and living this type of sacrificial way, giving of myself and my things and my time and talents in order to serve those with true needs. Now that I am in a position to truly make that difference I've always dreamed of, I am freaking out and panicking and frozen. And I am full of guilt and sorrow because I know that God has clearly called me to live a very specific way, that he has set me apart, that he has equipped me, and right now...I am kinda ignoring him. And what does that really mean? I am not obeying him. I am not trusting him. I am not submitting to him. I am not living completely for him. I clinging to my old life, still. And I am telling the God that created me, that loves me, that saved me, that calls me to a free and satisfying life that I am really not ready to demonstrate and share real love.

And yet with every prayer, I still beg for God to change me and transform me and purify me to make me more like Him and less like me. I yearn, so, so deeply for that kind of change. There is a big part of me that knows God is offering me that change, when I obey him, sacrifice myself and live to fulfill the needs of others as a response to my love for him. And yet, I just don't.

True Freedom

Mark was also at camp last week, acting as counselor for the 10th grade boys. When he pondered the questions "If you could do one thing for God and know that you couldn't fail, what would it be?" and "What is keeping you from doing that?" his answers were "I would want everyone to be able to pursue their life's passions, to work like they didn't need the money, dance like no one was watching, love like they had never been hurt....to be truly free to live and love. However, I feel like I can't do that because I am overburdened with bills, with real world responsibilities with the burden of providing for my family and trying to get by in this culture and economy."
I wonder how Jesus feels when we answer like this. I wonder if God just feels so sad for us, if he just sighs and shakes his head and wonders if we will every get it. I can't help but think that we are way off base, so far from living the type of lives that God created us to live. We have shackled ourselves, imprisoned ourselves, tied ourselves down. As Christians we claim to be "free." Jesus told us in John 8 "You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Do you feel free?
To me, to be free means that I am mobile, I am able to move about and love and serve and act in response to a need and just be fluid and flowing. It means that I am not obligated, not scheduled, not constrained. It means that I am living my life as it comes, making deliberate choices each day, each moment as I feel called or moved to.
I don't feel this way. I feel pressured and stressed and boxed in and obligated and resentful and burdened and chaotic. I believe that we are missing something huge here. I sense that our culture is sadly off kilter. I am certain that God is mourning the loss of the type of freedom that he created us for. I have tasted satisfying bits of freedom when I have allowed myself to "go there" with Christ, truly accepting his truth, getting lost in a worship song, honestly loving and serving another person, being in the moment, letting my guard down, etc. I think that unless we figure out how to truly get free in Jesus Christ all the time, then we will always be banging our head against the wall. But how do we do that in 2008? How do we do that in Orange County, CA? How do we do that while paying a mortgage and raising kids and putting food on the table? How do we get truly free? I want it...I want true, true, freedom.

It's Me....

One of the many great thought provoking activities that I got to take part in at camp last week involved a rock. We were to think about the one thing that seems to be getting in the way, distracting us, weighing us down, keeping us from obeying the voice of God. We were all given a rock, and on this rock we were asked to write down the word that describes that distraction or weight.
I wrote..."ME!"
Lord,
Help me to quiet down. My mind is racing lately and I feel anxious and hyper and chaotic. I sense that you are at work, whispering in my ear and a very clear and constant "shhhhhhh!!!!" I know that you are wanting me to slow down, clear my calendar, peel off all unnecessary commitments, focus, chill, quiet down and just be. I struggle with this Lord, you know that, which is probably the reason why you are having me to do it. I keep getting in the way, getting busy, making a mess, creating stress and burdens and yuck. I have trouble just resting in your presence. Help me to slow down, to trust that just "being" is okay and that it is an obedient response to you. Help me to get over myself and my idea that I have to "do" to be worthy. Help me to slow down and be deliberate in my life. Help me to get out of the way so that you can work. Help me to sit still and be quiet long enough to hear your voice. Help me Lord to trust that this is where you want me, quiet, open, still, peaceful, fresh, ready, willing, open. Help me to shed me of "me!"
In Christ's Name,
Amen

A Question, Your Answer...His Voice

Over the last week, I spent 4 days at high school camp as the counselor for 12 junior and senior girls. I had a blast and might have been the happiest camper there! The girls that I lead were amazing, all so fun and silly and adventurous and wonderful. It was great experience for me, allowing me to challenge myself little bit and try new things (I will blog about those things later for sure!) and it gave me some awesome time away to experience God in a whole new way.
One night at our evening meeting, the head pastor of our church challenged all the kids with this question..."if you could do one thing for God and know you couldn't fail, what would it be?" He proceeded to encourage the kids that he was certain that most of the time, the thing that is on our hearts to do for God, could very well be our calling. But what happens? Why don't we do those things? Why do we end up feeling defeated and discouraged and beaten down, feeling that we could never accomplish those things? Because the messages of "the world" are usually that...pretty defeating and discouraging. If I were to answer the question, honestly, it would be that I would rescue all of the victimized children in the world. There is nothing that upsets me more than to know that children are being abused, abandoned, mistreated, uncared for. My heart just can't take it. And honestly, I believe that God is calling me to be active in this cause, starting with rescuing the orphans in South Africa. But even though I am intimately involved in doing this, I still feel overwhelmed and overburdened with the enormity of the job and there are moments when I just want to throw my hands up and forget about it, because there is no way that I can really make a difference. But those are the voice of the world that are getting to me, telling me that it's impossible, ridiculous, idealistic. But with God, I believe that this can be done. Maybe not with just me alone, but I can be a part of the saving movement. And I know that this is the kind of thing that Jesus came to the world to do, to save, and as long as I am serving Him, together we can make a difference. So, the challenge is then to listen more to the voice of God, telling me what I CAN do, than to the voices of the world telling me what I CAN'T do. Now, how do I do that???

My "Un-Call"

I heard the term "Un-Call" used this morning by a woman at my church who was giving her testimony at Bible Study. She talked about how she thought she had a "call" on her life, made all moves in that direction and then at a very important moment God spoke to her and gave her the "Un-Call," telling her that this was actually not what He wanted for her.
I didn't really get it, but I liked the idea.
Well, this evening, I got my very own "Un-Call!"
Mark and I feel that God has called our family to adopt. We feel pretty certain that it will be from South Africa, as He has us so intimately involved with Acres of Love and the AIDS pandemic and the orphaned children there. So, out of obedience I thought that I should just start making steps in the direction of international adoption and see what happened. I talked with lots of people and did a ton of research on Christian agencies and learned that adopting from South Africa is not fully approved for the US right now. (soon though, hopefully) So, I just figured that maybe God wants us to be open to other African countries too, also terribly effected by the AIDS crisis. We went to a meeting tonight with an international agency and learned about the options of adopting from Ethiopia. And there, I got my "Un-Call!" Although my heart is broken for the the children all over the world who are suffering and who need homes, like the one I could give, I feel strongly that God does not want us to adopt to just adopt. And Mark expressed on the way home that he was feeling the same "Un-Call!" We both feel that God has something else planned for us. What? We do not have a clue, but going through an agency like this to adopt from just somewhere isn't it. We are fairly certain that God's plan for our adoption will look very different.
I have to be honest, this is killing me. I can't stand knowing that God wants adoption from me, and then He expects me to just sit and wait. I am not good at waiting! I want to do something, get busy, get "doing." Why the waiting?
Surely, I will look back at this time someday and be thankful to the God who knew I needed this time for Him to work in us and on our family and get things all just right. He's good like that! I have to just trust the call that Mark and I have both separately heard from God and have faith that in His perfect timing, we will hear from him again and know what to do next.

Can I Walk The Walk?

I've been talking a big game lately....all about how God has really transformed me and shown me that I have been called to a life of sacrifice in order to serve the orphaned children in Africa.
So, now, am I REALLY ready to do that? Now that I really "get it" with my head, now that I've shared that this is what I want my life to be about, will I able to live it out, day by day, for real? Am I ready to stop my frivolous spending, not be so preoccupied with the "finer things," with my social status, with the latest and greatest fashion trend or the not so necessary cup of afternoon chai tea from Starbucks or the pedicure or the lunch out with the kids, so that our family can have the money we need to give, to maybe adopt, etc? Am I ready to give up the approval of others that I have always craved and be ready for the possible criticism, eye rolls and outright disapproval of the choices we, as a family, will make in order to follow Christ? Am I ready, prepared, to stand firm in my beliefs and truly live out the life that I am certain God wants me to? Am I convinced that living for the Lord is more important than anything else? Am I sure that I am able to rise above the standards of "this world" and live with my eye on the eternal?
I know one thing for sure, I will not be able to do this, not at all, not even for one day, not in my own strength, not without the help of the holy spirit. Without continually surrendering to God's will and looking at the hurting world through his eyes, I will fall very short of the life that He has planned for me. I will only be able to be effective for him if I am constantly seeking him, submitting to him, humbling myself before him, serving him and begging for his help,
So, it's time to stop talking...and get to walking....

"Coolness on the earth
Actually isn't worth
Anything to the King"
-Rob Biagi

Where Is He Leading Me?

God has clearly brought me to this very place in my life right now:
I am getting stronger in my faith everyday
Mark and I are on the same page to raise our family under the direction and leading of Christ
We agree that He is unarguably present in our lives and we are striving to "Take up our cross and follow Him"
I am fulfilling the calling on my life to work with Acres of Love to rescue and care for AIDS orphans in South Africa
We are working hard to just "get by" financially and feel that God is using this time to reshape our priorities regarding material things, social status, the burden of "stuff" and the freedom that can come from truly recognizing the deep needs of orphans and evaluating where we can make a difference.

As I prepare for my trip to South Africa in September, I get the sense that God is really preparing me for the impact that it is going to have on me. I am fearful of how much it's going to really shake me up and how hard it will be to return to "Orange County living." Since I have become educated on the dire situation in Africa and the immense need of the people, especially children there, I am changed. I can't enjoy my lifestyle the way I used to, I can't enjoy shopping or other meaningless luxuries, I don't taste or feel or experience anything the way that I used to. Everything is different.
I get the feeling that God is getting ready to lead me in a most challenging and uncomfortable direction. I am sensing that I will soon be confronted with my "one big evil" that will really force me to choose between clinging to the life that I thought I always wanted and trusting God's leading to a place of true material sacrifice in order to be in a position to really reach out and save lives. It is freaking me out and I almost wish He would just leave me alone already! :) (not really, of course!) But I feel pretty exhausted and stretched and emotionally drained, I can only imagine what is on the horizon for me.

"I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it
Something on the road cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of and what I know of Love...
I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction
Something on the road cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire...
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
Your courage asks me what I am made of...and what I know of Love...and what I know of God"
-Sara Groves