My FAITH Journey- recordings from my journal

June 4, 2006
On the afternoon of Sept 1, 06, my head felt like it was going to explode! The pain was so bad that it hurt just to lie still. All I could do was roll around in the hospital bed, moan, cry out loud, and yell out at the nurses down the hall to help. My temperature was at 104.5. I thought my brain was literally going to cook inside my head. The nurses were running around in a panic. They wondered how a young woman who just delivered a healthy baby girl could be getting so sick. I got on my knees, clenching on to the bed rail, my hospital gown falling off my shoulders. I looked out the window, the blinds were down, but I would see the sun up to the right. I thought I was hours away from death. I pictured my funeral, all my family and friends there and thought about who might speak and what they would say about me.
On that day, I prayed, for one of the only times in my life....
"GOD!!!! Please, don't let me die! Mark wont be able to survive without me. He will never recover from this. Please, you can't leave him to raise two young girls all alone. I can't miss out on my daughter's lives. Please, I'm begging you! I'll do anything! I will get all of my "religious stuff" figured out. I promise, I will believe in you if you just let me live!"
Within moments an infectious disease doctor appeared, ordered test, gave me every antibiotic under the sun and I was getting better within hours. They later determined I had meningitis.
That was the day that I found God.

June 12, 2006
I struggle so much with "faith." Maybe if I slow down, keep myself from being so busy, involved, hectic, then I can realize the life that God wants for me. If I relinquish control then I'll learn what "faith" is and I will have gotten to know God better.

June 13, 2006
I wonder how one is ever sure about Jesus Christ. How will I ever know if I have chosen the right path? How will I know if Christianity is right? Are all other religions wrong? God, please show me the answers and allow me to hear you.

June 16, 2006
Is God supernatural? Isn't this silly? Is is possible to have this in the 21st century?

June 21, 2006
I am struggling so much with the purpose of asking for things in prayer. How much of my life is already planned out? Does God already know the outcome? Does every move I make happen for a specific reason? What is free will? Does God change his mind? Am I controlled by God?

July 11, 2006
I am constantly reminded of my life's purpose: to be a loving wife and mother and to raise a family who knows and serves the Lord. God, please help me to stay focused on that goal. Help me to be present in every moment with my children, raising them to be confident, comfortable, beautiful people. Please help me to be that person too, so that they have a good role model.

July 13, 2006
I wonder if I'll ever be comfortable introducing my "old life" to my "new like." People who know me well would never understand, support, enjoy the "church going Kim." They would think that I'd lost my mind. Surely they wouldn't understand the depth of what I'm experiencing. That makes it a little hard.
I need to be more interested in Jesus. I am faithful to God, but am still struggling with understanding and believing in Jesus Christ. That name still makes me uncomfortable and I feel silly saying it.

July 25, 2006
God, Thank you for saving my life. I am in awe of your glory ad power and grace. I proclaim you as my Lord and Savior and I am so greatful to be entering into this amazing relationship with you. Thank you!

September 6, 2006
How is it possible that only a year ago I didn't even believe in God, and now I have dedicated my life to him? How have I completely come to believe, to have faith, to trust? I'm such a different person. How did this happen? Am I being rediculous? Gullible? Brain washed? Weak?
The truth is, since I turned my life over to God, I feel stronger, wiser, more secure, happier, more peaceful, joyful, protected, loved. I feel like I now have a true purpose, a reason, an answer. I honestly believe in my heart that there is a God, that by his grace and healing hands he saved my life and that I was reborn with him, that He loves me accepts me, knows me, protects me and is there for me. It's not easy to explain. I just hope that someday my family and friends who do not believe will experience this overwhelming, life altering, exciting love.

September 15, 2006
It's been made clear that only people who believe in Christ will be in heaven. This has made me so uneasy, annoyed, bitter, afraid. What about my loved ones who don;t believe? What about good people from other religions? What about Christians who are bad people? How can we believe everything that the Bible says? Are we being naive? How did we pick the "right" religion?

October 3, 2006
Jesus Christ is God in the flesh. He came to the earth, as a human, so that his sinful, unbelieving people could believe in him and have eternal life. that's why they say "through Jesus you are saved."

October 18, 2006
Heavenly Father, I am desperate for you! My heart aches to know you more. I have a deep hunger to be in your presence, in your Word, in worship, in fellowship. I want to learn more, believe more, hear you more, be near you more, feel your spirit more. I want to be confident about what I know of you. I want to be proud. I want to be changed, transformed, made new. I want to be more like you. I want to raise my family to live our lives for you. I want to make you proud. I want to see your face and hear you say, "well done!"

October 24, 2006
I am so frustrated lately with issues that are difficult to understand like: faith, miracles, heaven and hell, the devil, etc. I want to remember, and believe ad be able to "get it" all. My finite mind can't grasp it all!

November 27, 2006
I was outside with the girls yesterday afternoon, walking around the neighborhood, looking at Christmas decorations. It was getting cold. We returned home and walked back into our warm and cozy home to take a bath, put on clean pj's and eat dinner. I realized that God has blessed us in so many ways. I wish all children could be safe, warm, nurtured, loved, like my kids are. From my gratefulness I want to find a place to give back, make a difference and point people to my loving and generous God.

December 22, 2006
Happy 31st Birthday to me! God, I am especially grateful to be celebrating my new life this year, a transformed person, totally dependent on you. I am peaceful and purposeful and changed. I thank you for all of the blessings in my life and know that they come from you. This morning Mark gave me a bracelet from the girls that says "INSPIRE." He said it was because I inspire the girls and I am inspiring people with my faith. My prayers are being answered. I have been trying to "live out my faith" with my actions and praying that I might be a light for people to direct them toward God. That Mark is recognizing that is a testimony to the good work of God.

January 15, 2006
I get it, I get it, I get it! Praise you Lord for working it all out in me. You are "it!" You are the creator of the entire universe and everything that's in it. You are amazing, brilliant, so awesome! You are the answer, the bottom line, the exclamation point, definition, TRUTH to this whole human experience. I have searched, questioned, debated, argued, sought and craved for MY truth and YOU are it! I was lead by you, followed you, put my faith in you and YOU have delivered me. I give up and put you in charge. I am saved! I am claimed! I am alive! Help me to glow like this every minute of every day in every circumstance. I want to live my life deliberately, on purpose, with your purpose, conscious, totally aware and choosing you. I want to share and demonstrate this total joy, peace and love with the whole world. That's your whole point for us, isn't it? I totally get it! Use me!! I'm yours! Let's go save the world. You are the only way. Everyone should feel this. Let's tell everyone. The world would be like heaven if everyone experienced this TRUTH, this certainty, understanding. Praise YOU, MY Lord!

April 28, 2007
Went out for an early morning run this morning. Thank you Lord for dew and fog, birds, my heart and muscles and bones. Thank you for all of your brilliant creation. Thank you for my life and the chance to enjoy this world. Thank you for San Clemente, for the beach, the warm climate. Thank you for leading me to this place. Thank you for my home, my neighbors, my community and for San Clemente Presbyterian. Thank you for Pastor Tod and Pastor Lisa who have taught me so much. Thank you for the women there who have become my sisters. Thank you for my healthy, happy, blessed children and for Mark and for our good health and good fortune. Thank you for my loving parents, my brother, my supportive in-laws and my amazing circle of friends. I am on top of the world, enjoying every aspect of my life. I am working hard to publish The Golden Rule and feeling good about getting your message out to families and to help bring peace and love and compassion to this world. I feel certain about you and about me and about my purpose. I feel like I'm discovering my spiritual gift, my God given talent, my one special "it" that you gave me to help fulfill your purpose. I believe it has to do with love. I believe that I love well. I believe in love, to love, the power of love, the call to love, the gift of love and receiving love. My heart is full and aching and swollen. I feel so truly alive. I feel so real, so connected, so aware. I feel powerful and wise and yet dependent and weak. It's beautiful and lovely and I believe it's what you intended. How did I get so lucky?