Calling, Conviction, Choices, Fear

There are a few very clear things that I believe God wants me to do now that I have been to South Africa. I have seen with my own eyes and felt in my own heart the desperation of the voiceless children who are suffering from the effects of poverty and AIDS in their nation....and the difference that love and hope can make in the life of a child through God's faithful servants at Acres of Love. Here is what God is currently calling me to do:
1. Give my own money monthly to help support the Bridges Forever Home.
2. Set aside money every week out of my personal budget to enable me to travel back to South Africa.
3. Begin the process to adopt a child from South Africa.
The problem with all of these things is that they require money, and the adoption requires a lot of money. We don't have any! Our financial situation at present does not put us in the position to do any of these things. However, I am clinging to what Gerda told me back in South Africa..."When God calls you to something...just start!"
I don't have to have everything figured out, or have all of the money lined up. I just have to respond to God's call, move forward in obedience, one step at a time, and trust that as the Lord wants, He will provide. I have to whole heatedly commit to the Lord that whatever He gives to me, I will then give back to Him.
Jesus tells us in Luke 12 "And don't be concerned about what to eat or drink. Don't worry about such things. These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and He will give you everything you need."
On the other hand, I personally have to make difficult decisions, several times a day, about how I will choose to spend my money. Because if I CHOOSE to buy some cute earrings that really are not in my budget, then I am CHOOSING to not put my money where the Lord has asked me to. If I CHOOSE to withhold my money here or there, so that I can buy things for myself, or make myself more comfortable, then I am CHOOSING not to help those children in South Africa that need me. It's really that simple.
I look around my house and I see so many THINGS. Now everything has a price tag on it. All this STUFF could be a meal, medicine, a home for a child who has been left all alone, to wander the streets and fight for their life. Just because we live in this "bubble," just because we are a half a world away from those desperate children, just because we are not seeing them in front of our faces doesn't mean that they are not there, still needing us to help them. My traveling there and witnessing the tragedies was not just some "experience" that I got to have, because those kids that I saw with my eyes are still there today, still in that situation, still hungry, still scared, still alone. I would go to the ends of the earth and back to make sure that my own daughters didn't have to live like those kids do, why wont I do the same for them? They don't have parents anymore to protect them, to provide for them, to love and hold and nurture them. Those kids are no different than mine, they deserve everything that I would do for my children. If I don't do it for them who will?
I feel so convicted, so guilty, so ashamed. I realize that I am already doing a lot and helping in many ways. But the truth is that I know I am capable of doing more. God has spoken very clearly to me and put these things in my heart and told me that there is a new way and different way that he wants me to live. I know that I need to do more. I can see those children right in front of me, desperate, needy. I know that I can do more than I am doing to make more of a difference in their lives. Why am I not? What am I so darn afraid of? Why am I clinging so tightly to the things of this world and this culture? Why can't I just completely let go and trust God and follow where He wants to take me?