Unpacking from South Africa

Not only am I unpacking all the "stuff" from my trip to South Africa, but I am also unpacking all the things that the Lord taught me during my travels. I am guessing that this process will take a long time. How can I ever fully process all that I saw with my eyes, all that I learned, all that I felt in my heart and all that I heard the voice of God telling me along the way? I spent so much time writing in my journal during my trip, as I didn't want to forget anything that I was feeling and learning and experiencing. I plan to take my time "unpacking" and sorting out all of that in the coming weeks.

Journal entry from Sept 24th, 8:17pm, layover in London
"Getting ready to take off for the last leg of our journey to South Africa. Leaving Mark and the girls was heart wrenching, but I prayed diligently through it all. The vulnerability and fragility that I felt leaving them behind reminded me of how I felt nearly 3 years ago as I begged God to spare my life from my hospital bed. You realize how truly helpless, out of control, small you are. It's a humbling thing to be weeping, on your knees, before the throne of God, begging him to keep you safe. The thought that I could very well lose my life on this trip haunts me still. If that were to happen, all I could ask for Katelyn and Taylor is that they be raised to know, love and serve the Lord. That's all I want for them. For in Christ, they will find themselves, love and value themselves and find their proper place and purpose in this world. I have. For today, it's to trust God's call to travel to South Africa, to serve the AIDS orphans and to be open and waiting for God's next call."

This was the first important lesson for me...TRUST. I was so scared to make this trip, afraid that something would happen to me. But yet I was certain that God had called me to go, and so I had to act in obedience and trust that God would protect me, provide for me, guide me and return me safely home. It's hard to turn that control over, but if we believe in God as we say we do, then we have to be willing to take a huge step out and risk being uncomfortable and believe that ultimately we are not in control. We can't live our lives in fear, in bondage, trying to keep ourselves safe and comfortable. God is who He says He is and I had to trust that He would protect me for this assignment that He had called me to.

"Don't be afraid for I am with you. Don't be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you."
Isaiah 41:10

Journal entry from Sept 25th, 1:15pm, Lobby at Grace Hotel in Rosebank
"We were greeted at the airport by Beth.. Beth invited me to go to a prayer meeting attended by all of the Acres of Love house parents. I was honored and delighted. We drove through Johannesburg and Alexandra and to a small church. We walked in, everyone was standing, praying and they soon broke out in the most beautiful african singing, they clapped, swayed, stomped and lifted their loud, gorgeous voices to the Lord. I wept in their presence. This was quite an extraordinary welcome to South Africa, to Acres of Love, on the ground level. It was like a dream...They proceeded on with more singing, 2 amazing testimonies from house moms of the miracles they have witnessed in the children as a result of fervent prayer. Then they prayed again, everyone standing, some walking around the room, some raising their arms up in the air. They were shouting, speaking in all different languages, all calling out to Jesus. It was incredible to see how invested these people were in the children and in God. They pour themselves out for these kids. THEY SAID MORE THAN A FEW TIMES THAT THE ONLY WAY THEY ARE ABLE TO PRESS ON EVERYDAY IS BECAUSE THEY PRAY AND THEY DON'T RELY ON THEIR OWN STRENGTH BUT ON GOD'S."

This would the second, and overarching lesson that I learned. This AIDS pandemic is huge, the suffering in South Africa is overwhelming and I felt over and over that I was too small for something this big. I found myself riddled with feelings of helplessness and doubt and defeat. What could I, little old me, do to make a bit of difference in this huge problem? And yet, I kept hearing God tell me that by myself, in my own strength, I can't....but He can! He told me that THROUGH Him I can do something, make a difference, change lives. I need to continually, moment by moment, draw on His strength, not my own, to accomplish this work.

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13

And I also loved being a witness to how freely and openly these people worshiped. They were filled with joy, convinced of the power of God, and unwavering in their faith. They were unguarded before the Lord, not afraid to be in the moment and act in accordance to how they were feeling. I admired the freeness of these people. I felt at home in how they worshipped. I felt sadness about how I often keep my faith quiet, how I am worried about judgement of others instead of full surrender to be who I know God created me to be. I wish that I could be as free as they are in the presence of God. Oh how I have wanted to so many times in the quiet pews of my church, stand up and lift my hands and give glory to the God who is moving in my heart in the moment. Why can't I do that? What am I afraid of?