Stay Uncomfortable

Journal entry from Sept 28, 7:09am, room at Grace Hotel
This is the day we came here for. This is what all the praying and planning and preparing was for. Today Lisa and I will get to spend several hours with the kids at the Bridges Forever Home...Because we have fallen in love with these kids we have committed to raise $45,000 this year to pay for their Basic Needs, Health Care and School Tuition. We have been praying for these kids and their house mom, admiring their pictures all over our houses, talking about them, imagining what it would be like to know them, and today we will.

Journal entry from Sept 28, 9:32am, Dining Room at Grace Hotel
As Beth talks to the group about the kids we will meet, I feel inadequate and wonder how I will ever be able to muster up the energy and skills to be of any help to this organization...She talks about an 8 year old boy and his 3 year old sister who were found living under a bridge. He would find and kill "ho ho's" (bugs) and feed them to his sister. For awhile after they moved into Acres of Love, they would find bugs in his pockets and in his bed. He was afraid that they wouldn't eat and that he would need them for his sister...a lot of these kids were adults before they were kids. One girl was "mom" to her three younger siblings. Her newborn sister died in her arms of starvation. One two year old girl they rescued already knew how to fetch water, boil it and make rice...the kids stories of their past don't match who they are today...Lord, equip me!...My heart is breaking...I want to love these kids...compassion means to suffer with....compassion moves to action.

Journal entry from Sept 28, 2:39pm, Lunch
Just left Bridges Home. I am angry, annoyed, irritated. I want to go home. I can't take this. What Lord? What? What? What am I supposed to do? What? What? Tell me. Tell me.

Journal entry from Sept 28, 9:35pm, Bed at Grace Hotel
How do I put into words all of the emotions that I am managing? My heart literally hurts, feels broken. I feel like I have been exposed to a world that I cannot walk away from. How can I go on in my life with that I have now seen and witnessed? The scenes of those poor children in Soweto have been permanently tattooed on my mind and heart and that will be the reality that I now operate from. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing will look the same, feel the same, taste the same. This is real, I have seen it and I can't go on like I haven't. To live like I have been would be like walking by and stepping over that child, lying in the dirt. Gerda says, "Stay uncomfortable!" She says from that feeling, of having a broken heart for the things that breaks God's heart, we can truly be used. I am, I am so uncomfortable. I am frustrated and I feel trapped. I want to help, to save those kids, to be useful. I have gotten to the point where I feel ready to go "all in" with God. I want to really unclench my fists and let go of all that I am clinging on to that keeps me from really committing 110% to what God wants from my life. But I am so scared about what that will mean. I fear what God will want me to do. But what am I afraid of? What could I possibly lose? If I really believe in God, really, than why can't I trust Him? Why is my faith in Him so weak? I need to rely on God. I need to stop thinking that I can solve everything, do everything, fix everything. I need to get plugged into the real source, relying on God in every moment, for everything, for my strength, to be used.
"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13