My Life Is Good

Several times a day I find myself shaking my head in amazement. I am living a life I never dreamed I would have.
After denying God for nearly 30 years, I can't believe that He so readily took me in, spent so much time and energy on me, shedding light on the dark places in my life, teaching me and allowing me to partner with Him to do the work I am doing.
This life is beyond my wildest dreams! And the funny thing is, my life is more simple and boring these days. By the worlds standards my life doesn't look too exciting or full or rich. But I have never been more filled with joy, or true peace, or purpose.
My focus is on three things, keeping my eyes on God and following Him, taking good care of my husband and children and being a voice and advocate for AIDS orphans in South Africa. When I am in this "zone," I feel amazing. This is what works for me, this is the life I was meant to have, this is where I find deep fulfillment, where I feel like I am literally in the presence of God. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude that God is using me, that I get to work for Acres of Love and use my life to do something so important and real and lasting. I can't believe that on a daily basis I get to educate people on the AIDS pandemic in Africa, I get to share the Word of God and encourage people in their faith, I get to come alongside strangers and help them to find their calling in life, I get to mobilize groups to engage in this cause and make a difference in the lives of desperate children on the other side of the world, I get to personally contribute my money to support 8 kids in South Africa, I get to be an example to my daughters of a life given over to God for His purpose and glory, I get to inspire my husband to live more sacrificially and to encourage Him in his faith journey, I get to be a living, breathing example of a life that is literally changed because of the transforming grace and love of God. I can't believe who and where I am today, I would have never imagined I would get to have a life this good.
Thank you God for your many blessings in my life. I pray that I continue to keep my eyes on you, surrendering to your plan for my life, relying on your lead, submitting to your greater purpose. May I find this joy and peace in you even if life changes, even if tragedy strikes, even if things get difficult. May I celebrate my life in all circumstances, knowing that it's all in your hands and that being in your presence is right where I need to be.

Embrace the Uncomfortable

I am still struggling with my transition back into my comfy, abundant, over indulgent Southern California life. I am still struggling to sleep through a full night without nightmares and visions of children living alone in the streets of South Africa. My head is in a constant state of "BUZZ" as I am forever trying to come up with new ways to fundraise, new campaigns to kick off, more ways to personally give my own money so that I can support the children at Acres of Love and get more AIDS orphans into the loving arms of our organization. I am exhausted, emotionally drained, burdened and a total wreck. Everything I think about comes back to the children in Africa, everything! As I go for a morning run, I think about how lucky I am to live in a safe place and how blessed I am to have a healthy and able body. As I eat a meal, I think about the hungry kids without parents, killing bugs and feeding them to their younger siblings to survive. As I snuggle up to my daughters, I think about the poor kids who just want to be held, protected, loved by their parents who have suffered and died in front of their eyes. As I pray for the safety of my kids 100 times a day, I think about the children in Africa who have been left alone to fend for themselves, who are being preyed upon and abused, who are scared and frightened. As I consider spending money on something as simple as a cup of coffee, I decide not to because it's frivolous and unnecessary and that money could be used to feed a child for a day or put towards supporting a home full of kids at Acres of Love. EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT!!!
But this burden that I am carrying is a small price to pay to be able to make a difference for those kids over there who are carrying a much larger burden. What do I have to complain about? I have decided to embrace the uncomfortable, to welcome the feeling of my heart being broken, to sit with this anguish, because only then will I continue to be motivated to move to action.
When we feel like we have been called by God to do something that we just can't handle, when we feel like God's vision for our lives is impossible...then we have to completely depend on Him and that is exactly where He wants and needs us. We need to pushed into the uncomfortable position that forces us to throw up our hands and say "God, I know you want me to do this, but it's just too big for me, I can't do it without you. I need you to do it through me!"
John 15:5 "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing."

Make It Go Away

This memory, this image, of this child laying in the dirt in Soweto has become the single most motivating call to action from my trip to South Africa. For some reason, the image of this child is literally burned into my mind and I know that I wont soon forget it. This child was at the local Day Care Center. This child is considered a lucky one. This child has an adult that takes responsibility for it, that drops it off somewhere in the morning, that makes sure it has supervision throughout the day. There are millions of other children in Africa that are wandering the streets, abandoned, orphaned because their parents have died from AIDS, they are alone, hungry, tired, vulnerable, scared, desperate. This child is lucky, by Africa's standards. By my standards, not so much. I can't stand that the child, maybe 12 months old, just laid in that same spot in the dirt for the hour that we were in that area. How many babies that age do you know that just lay there, still, lethargic? Those care givers next to the baby, they are not the slightest bit interested in the 30 kids that are in their care at that center. They are not doting on the kids, stimulating them, protecting them, teaching them, loving on them. If this is a lucky child, how can I sleep at night as I imagine what is happening to the unlucky ones? I can't. I am struggling, I am heart broken, I am angry and frustrated. How can I just sit in my comfortable life, enjoying my security and abundance and go on like this isn't happening? I am responsible for those kids. I know that they are there, today, at this moment, hungry, frightened, mourning the loss of their parents or caring for them as they waste away, they are sick themselves, in pain, in agony, living in hell. How can I be here? How can let this happen? How can I not move and give and serve and help? I feel so guilty and ashamed. I feel sick to my stomach. I wish those images, that reality, the things that I now know would just go away. But they wont, and I know the truth, I am so heavily burdened with all of this. Again, I am incredibly uncomfortable, but know that this is where God needs me so that I will be moved to action for Him, to help save the children that His heart breaks for even more than mine. So now what?

Calling, Conviction, Choices, Fear

There are a few very clear things that I believe God wants me to do now that I have been to South Africa. I have seen with my own eyes and felt in my own heart the desperation of the voiceless children who are suffering from the effects of poverty and AIDS in their nation....and the difference that love and hope can make in the life of a child through God's faithful servants at Acres of Love. Here is what God is currently calling me to do:
1. Give my own money monthly to help support the Bridges Forever Home.
2. Set aside money every week out of my personal budget to enable me to travel back to South Africa.
3. Begin the process to adopt a child from South Africa.
The problem with all of these things is that they require money, and the adoption requires a lot of money. We don't have any! Our financial situation at present does not put us in the position to do any of these things. However, I am clinging to what Gerda told me back in South Africa..."When God calls you to something...just start!"
I don't have to have everything figured out, or have all of the money lined up. I just have to respond to God's call, move forward in obedience, one step at a time, and trust that as the Lord wants, He will provide. I have to whole heatedly commit to the Lord that whatever He gives to me, I will then give back to Him.
Jesus tells us in Luke 12 "And don't be concerned about what to eat or drink. Don't worry about such things. These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers all over the world, but your Father already knows your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and He will give you everything you need."
On the other hand, I personally have to make difficult decisions, several times a day, about how I will choose to spend my money. Because if I CHOOSE to buy some cute earrings that really are not in my budget, then I am CHOOSING to not put my money where the Lord has asked me to. If I CHOOSE to withhold my money here or there, so that I can buy things for myself, or make myself more comfortable, then I am CHOOSING not to help those children in South Africa that need me. It's really that simple.
I look around my house and I see so many THINGS. Now everything has a price tag on it. All this STUFF could be a meal, medicine, a home for a child who has been left all alone, to wander the streets and fight for their life. Just because we live in this "bubble," just because we are a half a world away from those desperate children, just because we are not seeing them in front of our faces doesn't mean that they are not there, still needing us to help them. My traveling there and witnessing the tragedies was not just some "experience" that I got to have, because those kids that I saw with my eyes are still there today, still in that situation, still hungry, still scared, still alone. I would go to the ends of the earth and back to make sure that my own daughters didn't have to live like those kids do, why wont I do the same for them? They don't have parents anymore to protect them, to provide for them, to love and hold and nurture them. Those kids are no different than mine, they deserve everything that I would do for my children. If I don't do it for them who will?
I feel so convicted, so guilty, so ashamed. I realize that I am already doing a lot and helping in many ways. But the truth is that I know I am capable of doing more. God has spoken very clearly to me and put these things in my heart and told me that there is a new way and different way that he wants me to live. I know that I need to do more. I can see those children right in front of me, desperate, needy. I know that I can do more than I am doing to make more of a difference in their lives. Why am I not? What am I so darn afraid of? Why am I clinging so tightly to the things of this world and this culture? Why can't I just completely let go and trust God and follow where He wants to take me?

Stay Uncomfortable

Journal entry from Sept 28, 7:09am, room at Grace Hotel
This is the day we came here for. This is what all the praying and planning and preparing was for. Today Lisa and I will get to spend several hours with the kids at the Bridges Forever Home...Because we have fallen in love with these kids we have committed to raise $45,000 this year to pay for their Basic Needs, Health Care and School Tuition. We have been praying for these kids and their house mom, admiring their pictures all over our houses, talking about them, imagining what it would be like to know them, and today we will.

Journal entry from Sept 28, 9:32am, Dining Room at Grace Hotel
As Beth talks to the group about the kids we will meet, I feel inadequate and wonder how I will ever be able to muster up the energy and skills to be of any help to this organization...She talks about an 8 year old boy and his 3 year old sister who were found living under a bridge. He would find and kill "ho ho's" (bugs) and feed them to his sister. For awhile after they moved into Acres of Love, they would find bugs in his pockets and in his bed. He was afraid that they wouldn't eat and that he would need them for his sister...a lot of these kids were adults before they were kids. One girl was "mom" to her three younger siblings. Her newborn sister died in her arms of starvation. One two year old girl they rescued already knew how to fetch water, boil it and make rice...the kids stories of their past don't match who they are today...Lord, equip me!...My heart is breaking...I want to love these kids...compassion means to suffer with....compassion moves to action.

Journal entry from Sept 28, 2:39pm, Lunch
Just left Bridges Home. I am angry, annoyed, irritated. I want to go home. I can't take this. What Lord? What? What? What am I supposed to do? What? What? Tell me. Tell me.

Journal entry from Sept 28, 9:35pm, Bed at Grace Hotel
How do I put into words all of the emotions that I am managing? My heart literally hurts, feels broken. I feel like I have been exposed to a world that I cannot walk away from. How can I go on in my life with that I have now seen and witnessed? The scenes of those poor children in Soweto have been permanently tattooed on my mind and heart and that will be the reality that I now operate from. Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing will look the same, feel the same, taste the same. This is real, I have seen it and I can't go on like I haven't. To live like I have been would be like walking by and stepping over that child, lying in the dirt. Gerda says, "Stay uncomfortable!" She says from that feeling, of having a broken heart for the things that breaks God's heart, we can truly be used. I am, I am so uncomfortable. I am frustrated and I feel trapped. I want to help, to save those kids, to be useful. I have gotten to the point where I feel ready to go "all in" with God. I want to really unclench my fists and let go of all that I am clinging on to that keeps me from really committing 110% to what God wants from my life. But I am so scared about what that will mean. I fear what God will want me to do. But what am I afraid of? What could I possibly lose? If I really believe in God, really, than why can't I trust Him? Why is my faith in Him so weak? I need to rely on God. I need to stop thinking that I can solve everything, do everything, fix everything. I need to get plugged into the real source, relying on God in every moment, for everything, for my strength, to be used.
"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Just Start

On the second day of our time in South Africa we started the day with a lovely breakfast in the dining room at the hotel. We were briefed on how Acres of Love works and told the full story of the organizations founding from the founder, Gerda. She told us about how she and her husband got the call from God to take in the first few AIDS orphans, how He made it clear they were to provide these kids with the same love, care, potential, opportunity that they would their own children, treating them no different, sparing no expense. She gives full credit to God for the success of Acres of Love and the 20 homes it now operates. She told us about the many miracles that they have witnessed in the children, about the strict mandate from God to press on and grow the organization and have faith that He would provide all they needed to care for the kids. What a blessing to hear her story and feel her deep passion.
From there we got to spend a couple of hours at the Acres of Love preschool with about 20 kids. They came running outside to see us, so outgoing and friendly, grabbing our hands, leading us to the jungle gym, sand box and swings. I was amazed at how gorgeous, joyful, secure, and trusting they were. They were healthy and happy and hopeful. What a drastic difference from the children we had seen just the day before in Soweto. How lucky these children were to be placed in the care of Acres of Love after the trauma and devastation their little lives had already endured. It was such an exhilarating time to be in their presence, to play, to laugh, to enjoy their very life with them. From there we went to an ice cream party in the park with about 50 other Acres of Love kids and had a blast with them. It was incredible to watch them all interact, the older ones looking after the younger ones, holding them, making sure they got a bowl of ice cream. They were running and climbing and laughing and playing until the very last minute. I couldn't help but remember, as I looked at them, where they had all come from, what they had been through, how much they had lost. Now they were safe, happy, healthy, playing, eating ice cream. Such simple things that we and our children take for granted, but that these kids claim as a victory.
From my hotel room that night I reflected on the day as I journal ed. It was a happy day. I smiled and laughed a lot. I felt alive and hopeful and grateful and honored to be with those kids. I felt very much aware of the contrast between the two worlds I had already seen during the short time I was there. My heart couldn't help but still ache for the kids that I had seen the day before in Soweto. There were images burned into my memory that I wished I could just get rid of, ones that I know will haunt me forever. I felt a deep sadness and desperation. My heart was aching and my mind racing over what I could do, how I could help, ways I could change the situation for those helpless kids. Then I would feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of the problem and feel defeated, inadequate, small.
I remembered something that Gerda had said that morning. When she and her husband got the call from God to open a home for orphans, they too could have felt too small, too inadequate to do anything meaningful to solve the orphan problem in South Africa. They could have just thrown their hands up, said "forget it, there is no way we can make a different!" But they clung to a quote that they had read in a book called "Acres of Diamonds." It told her that "if God calls you to do something...just start!"

Heart Break

Journal entry on Sept 25th, 7:20pm, The Grace Hotel
" We went to Soweto today...South West Township. There are an estimated 3 million people living in total poverty and helplessness. We walked down one dirt road with shacks lining the way and stretching out as far as I could see. the children ran among us, so dirty, mostly barefoot, asking for food or money. They were friendly, playful, touchy. I held hands with a number of them as we walked along. I took pictures with them and of them. They love to see their picture in the digital camera! They were beautiful and precious and fun. I wondered how many of them were HIV positive, if they still had parents or if they were orphans, if they were starving, if they were being abused, if they were tired, scared, broken. What are their lives really like? Are they eating, resting well, being protected and loved and nurtured? Where are they now I write from this luxurious, comfortable hotel room? Are they all alone tonight? Are they in a a little dirt shack with no electricity or running water, sleeping on the dirt floor, prey to some sick predator? Are they watching their parents die from AIDS? Are they sick themselves, in pain, afraid, alone?"

After that emotionally difficult day, seeing the hopelessness of the children in Soweto, I woke up many times throughout the night. My mind would immediately start racing over all the images I had seen of dirty kids with bare feet and runny noses, of babies in a "Day Care Center" laying on the dirt floor, lethargic. It was almost too much to bare. My heart felt like it was literally breaking inside of me and I couldn't stand it. These images were now permanently there in my mind, I couldn't get rid of them. I almost wished I hadn't seen what I had because it felt like my heart just couldn't take it. I began thinking about my own children, about all that I would do to prevent them for ever having to live a life like this. How is this fair? How can this happen? How can we sit by and allow all these precious innocent, victimized children to live like this. They are experiencing pain and sadness and fear and desperation, and they shouldn't have to. What are we, as fellow human beings, doing? We are guilty of allowing this to happen to them if we are not a part of the solution to solve it for them. How can we just let it go on, turning our heads the other way because the problem is too big or the solution is too inconvenient. They may be far away from us, but it's still happening, it's still real, their pain and suffering continues and we just step over them as we go about our lives. What is this life for? Why are we here? Why are we so blessed? How can we share what we have with those who do not have? If we are Christians, are we acting accordingly? Are we being the "body of Christ" to these children? Are we using the minds and hearts and arms and legs that God gave us to reach out and be the answer to some ones desperate prayers? Or are we sitting still, hoarding, clinging, ignoring, choosing to allow this to happen?

Unpacking from South Africa

Not only am I unpacking all the "stuff" from my trip to South Africa, but I am also unpacking all the things that the Lord taught me during my travels. I am guessing that this process will take a long time. How can I ever fully process all that I saw with my eyes, all that I learned, all that I felt in my heart and all that I heard the voice of God telling me along the way? I spent so much time writing in my journal during my trip, as I didn't want to forget anything that I was feeling and learning and experiencing. I plan to take my time "unpacking" and sorting out all of that in the coming weeks.

Journal entry from Sept 24th, 8:17pm, layover in London
"Getting ready to take off for the last leg of our journey to South Africa. Leaving Mark and the girls was heart wrenching, but I prayed diligently through it all. The vulnerability and fragility that I felt leaving them behind reminded me of how I felt nearly 3 years ago as I begged God to spare my life from my hospital bed. You realize how truly helpless, out of control, small you are. It's a humbling thing to be weeping, on your knees, before the throne of God, begging him to keep you safe. The thought that I could very well lose my life on this trip haunts me still. If that were to happen, all I could ask for Katelyn and Taylor is that they be raised to know, love and serve the Lord. That's all I want for them. For in Christ, they will find themselves, love and value themselves and find their proper place and purpose in this world. I have. For today, it's to trust God's call to travel to South Africa, to serve the AIDS orphans and to be open and waiting for God's next call."

This was the first important lesson for me...TRUST. I was so scared to make this trip, afraid that something would happen to me. But yet I was certain that God had called me to go, and so I had to act in obedience and trust that God would protect me, provide for me, guide me and return me safely home. It's hard to turn that control over, but if we believe in God as we say we do, then we have to be willing to take a huge step out and risk being uncomfortable and believe that ultimately we are not in control. We can't live our lives in fear, in bondage, trying to keep ourselves safe and comfortable. God is who He says He is and I had to trust that He would protect me for this assignment that He had called me to.

"Don't be afraid for I am with you. Don't be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you."
Isaiah 41:10

Journal entry from Sept 25th, 1:15pm, Lobby at Grace Hotel in Rosebank
"We were greeted at the airport by Beth.. Beth invited me to go to a prayer meeting attended by all of the Acres of Love house parents. I was honored and delighted. We drove through Johannesburg and Alexandra and to a small church. We walked in, everyone was standing, praying and they soon broke out in the most beautiful african singing, they clapped, swayed, stomped and lifted their loud, gorgeous voices to the Lord. I wept in their presence. This was quite an extraordinary welcome to South Africa, to Acres of Love, on the ground level. It was like a dream...They proceeded on with more singing, 2 amazing testimonies from house moms of the miracles they have witnessed in the children as a result of fervent prayer. Then they prayed again, everyone standing, some walking around the room, some raising their arms up in the air. They were shouting, speaking in all different languages, all calling out to Jesus. It was incredible to see how invested these people were in the children and in God. They pour themselves out for these kids. THEY SAID MORE THAN A FEW TIMES THAT THE ONLY WAY THEY ARE ABLE TO PRESS ON EVERYDAY IS BECAUSE THEY PRAY AND THEY DON'T RELY ON THEIR OWN STRENGTH BUT ON GOD'S."

This would the second, and overarching lesson that I learned. This AIDS pandemic is huge, the suffering in South Africa is overwhelming and I felt over and over that I was too small for something this big. I found myself riddled with feelings of helplessness and doubt and defeat. What could I, little old me, do to make a bit of difference in this huge problem? And yet, I kept hearing God tell me that by myself, in my own strength, I can't....but He can! He told me that THROUGH Him I can do something, make a difference, change lives. I need to continually, moment by moment, draw on His strength, not my own, to accomplish this work.

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13

And I also loved being a witness to how freely and openly these people worshiped. They were filled with joy, convinced of the power of God, and unwavering in their faith. They were unguarded before the Lord, not afraid to be in the moment and act in accordance to how they were feeling. I admired the freeness of these people. I felt at home in how they worshipped. I felt sadness about how I often keep my faith quiet, how I am worried about judgement of others instead of full surrender to be who I know God created me to be. I wish that I could be as free as they are in the presence of God. Oh how I have wanted to so many times in the quiet pews of my church, stand up and lift my hands and give glory to the God who is moving in my heart in the moment. Why can't I do that? What am I afraid of?

This Side of Africa

In 3 years the Lord has transformed me. All anyone has to do to believe in the power of God in a person's life is look at me. I sought after God and He showed himself to me, I gave my life to Christ, I submitted to His will and His plan for my life, forgoing my own personal wants and desires. He showed me a purposeful life that was much bigger than one I could have ever dreamt up on my own. He is very clearly cleansing me and changing me and refining me and has lead me down a narrow path that has brought me to this very day. I am preparing to leave my husband and young daughters to board a plane to fly to South Africa to work with AIDS orphans. I weep as I write this. I am overwhelmed with joy and awe at the God that has spent so much time on me, being so faithful to equip me and provide for me and prepare me for this divine appointment. This is not a vacation. This is a God assignment. Since I gave my life to Christ I have prayed unceasingly to be used by Him to help save the world and make a lasting impression in whatever place He wanted to use me. And of course, He has been so faithful to His word. I am being used by God, the creator of the universe to reach out to suffering orphans in South Africa, who by no fault of their own, are victims to the tragic AIDS pandemic. This is how God is at work to restore the world. He uses his faithful believers and followers to be His presence and action to a hurting people that need to experience his love and grace. Why me, there in South Africa? Why that cause? I don't know, I don't question. I just thank God for answering my prayers, for trusting me, for using me, for making my life purposeful. I am an example to my young daughters that when you surrender to the God that created you and He will raise you up to do great things in this world. That is the eternal legacy that my God is helping me to leave in this world and in my children. Am I afraid, nervous, fearful? A little. This is way out of my comfort zone. But that is how our God shows off. He will protect and provide and demonstrate how marvelous He is, as to draw others near to Him. And all I need to worry about is that I am right in the middle of the love of the Lord and that this is where He wants me. Where else in the world would I ever want to be? Today, as His creature, I am being used by THE Creator in South Africa.
"Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go!" Joshua 1:9

In The Palm of His Hand

I imagine, God's hands. That's all I really see. Just His hands, together, cupped, making a round, safe, warm, protected shelter. I imagine that is the very place that He has me right now. I imagine that is where He holds my whole entire life, my passions and dreams, my purpose, my family and my heart and love and my future, all right there, in very palm of His hands. I imagine that He is holding His hands very steady, careful to hold me close, not to let me fall, but to assure me that I am safe in His care. It is here that He cleanses me, loves me, nurtures me, teaches me, prepares me. And I sense, with clear certainty, that He is getting ready to set me free. It seems that He will be nurturing me in this safe place for just a short while longer, and then He will be ready to lower His hands down, open up His grip and direct me off onto to a very specific path that He will encourage me down. I don't the place that He is leading me to, but I will know when I get there, and I will be ready to run.

The Revolution

I consider yesterday, September 1st, to be my 3rd anniversary of the day that I came to the Lord. I was getting a massage yesterday afternoon and it dawned on me, that I could have very well not even be alive. Had I not reached out to God in the late afternoon of Sept 1, 2005 I think that maybe I wouldn't even be here today. I count it as such an incredible blessing to be alive, to be here with my husband and kids and friends and family. I am overwhelmed with gratitude to the God that accepted me into this relationship with him after a lifetime of my choice to live apart from him. I want to live the rest of my life on purpose, deliberate, ever aware of the fact that I have a second chance to do this thing right, not for me, but for the Lord that I love and serve. He has done a mighty work in me in just 3 years, it's incredible. I am 100% certain that life with God is THE ONLY WAY!!!
I am about half way through the best book, and yesterday felt the sense that I needed to go back to the beginning and start over because I was craving the power and greatness of it all over again. I commit my life to this philosophy and to the "revolution" that I am following after.
Some excerpts from "The Jesus of Suburbia" by Mike Erre...
"I think we may have lost sight of Jesus among all the trappings of the Christian religion. Amid all the hype about the growing poltical power of the evangelicals, the growing numbers of mega-churches, and the booming, billion-dollar Christian subculture industry, I wonder if we have left Jesus behind?...My primary contention is this: Much of what passes for modern, western Christianity isn't of Jesus. We can (and do) lose Jesus right in the middle of prayer meetings and worship services. We can miss him in the bible and in the church...We may think we worship the Jesus of Nazareth, but in reality we worship the Jesus of Suburbia...The suburban Jesus would never be so offensive as to demand that we do what he says; he is more interested in the security, comfort and prosperity of his followers. In short, much of the message of American Christianity presents Jesus as the purveyor of the American Dream...Jesus birth was was revolution. It changed everything...If we understand his birth as revolution, ten we may glimpse the revolution that his life will bring. Jesus has been, and always will be, a threat to the established order of things...Our world doesn't want to be reminded of Christ-because he forces us to choose. In our just do it, have it all kind of world, the revolution of Jesus forces us to choose: Who is King? Who is Lord? What empire do you serve? What god do you bow down to?...We must be reawakened to the fact that the birth and life of jesus directly opposes the power and authority of this world. He has been and always will be a threat to everything...Not only did Jesus's birth turn everything upside down, so did his life and what he taught. You must die to live. You must lose to gain. Weakness is strength. Joy exists in the midst of suffering. Power is restraint. Love those who persecute you. Pray for those who hate you...This is revolution...Two kingdoms war on this earth...One is built on war, oppression, wealth, power, self-interest, and control; the other on love, faith, hope, freedom, grace, compassion, and truth...Will we choose the Jesus of Suburbia who exists to provide us with health, wealth, comfort and happiness? Or will we press on to find the Jesus of Nazareth, the most dangerous an radical man to ever walk the face of the earth? I want the real thing."

Home Sweet Home

There is a place, where I feel like I belong. There is a place where I feel like I was meant to be. When I am in this place my heart feels full and warm and my body tingles and I think I might even be floating. When I am in this place, everything in my confusing and chaotic world feels right and perfect and I feel complete and satisfied and lacking nothing.
I found myself in that place again yesterday morning. I was in my church's sanctuary, I was sitting in the pew, my eyes were closed and I was signing the words to a worship song that seemed was written just for me, in my situation, to sing to my Lord. The words to the song sang "It's your kindness Lord, that leads us to repentance..." I could hear the beautiful voices of the other people around me also singing with purpose to our God. I was smiling and crying at the same time, feeling so overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness and vulnerability and proper perspective. I opened my eyes to look around at all the different types of people and giggled at how amazing it is that we can all come together in agreement about the Lord of this world and praise His name together. It's a beautiful and holy and sacred thing that I feel privileged to be a part of.
It is in this place where I always feel the most at home, the most whole, the most genuine, the most accepted, the most alive. It is there that I feel cIosest to the Lord. It is this place that I desire more and more of.

Real Love

"We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion-how can God's love be in that person?" 1 John 4:16-17

When I read verses like this my heart goes pitter pat. These are the truths that really jump off the page at me, that really hit home, that really make sense to me. This is the life I desire. This is the life that I have always, always dreamed of. Even before I knew Christ, I wanted to be the type of person that would help others. I have always wanted to save this world from itself and make a difference. And now that I know Christ, and I understand his will, I want it even more, but now for the right reason and with the right action plan.

But to want and to do are two totally different things. And this is the frustrating and exhausting place that I find myself in right now. I am having a difficult time with completely surrendering to God, trusting his plan for my life and living this type of sacrificial way, giving of myself and my things and my time and talents in order to serve those with true needs. Now that I am in a position to truly make that difference I've always dreamed of, I am freaking out and panicking and frozen. And I am full of guilt and sorrow because I know that God has clearly called me to live a very specific way, that he has set me apart, that he has equipped me, and right now...I am kinda ignoring him. And what does that really mean? I am not obeying him. I am not trusting him. I am not submitting to him. I am not living completely for him. I clinging to my old life, still. And I am telling the God that created me, that loves me, that saved me, that calls me to a free and satisfying life that I am really not ready to demonstrate and share real love.

And yet with every prayer, I still beg for God to change me and transform me and purify me to make me more like Him and less like me. I yearn, so, so deeply for that kind of change. There is a big part of me that knows God is offering me that change, when I obey him, sacrifice myself and live to fulfill the needs of others as a response to my love for him. And yet, I just don't.

True Freedom

Mark was also at camp last week, acting as counselor for the 10th grade boys. When he pondered the questions "If you could do one thing for God and know that you couldn't fail, what would it be?" and "What is keeping you from doing that?" his answers were "I would want everyone to be able to pursue their life's passions, to work like they didn't need the money, dance like no one was watching, love like they had never been hurt....to be truly free to live and love. However, I feel like I can't do that because I am overburdened with bills, with real world responsibilities with the burden of providing for my family and trying to get by in this culture and economy."
I wonder how Jesus feels when we answer like this. I wonder if God just feels so sad for us, if he just sighs and shakes his head and wonders if we will every get it. I can't help but think that we are way off base, so far from living the type of lives that God created us to live. We have shackled ourselves, imprisoned ourselves, tied ourselves down. As Christians we claim to be "free." Jesus told us in John 8 "You are truly my disciples if you remain faithful to my teachings, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." Do you feel free?
To me, to be free means that I am mobile, I am able to move about and love and serve and act in response to a need and just be fluid and flowing. It means that I am not obligated, not scheduled, not constrained. It means that I am living my life as it comes, making deliberate choices each day, each moment as I feel called or moved to.
I don't feel this way. I feel pressured and stressed and boxed in and obligated and resentful and burdened and chaotic. I believe that we are missing something huge here. I sense that our culture is sadly off kilter. I am certain that God is mourning the loss of the type of freedom that he created us for. I have tasted satisfying bits of freedom when I have allowed myself to "go there" with Christ, truly accepting his truth, getting lost in a worship song, honestly loving and serving another person, being in the moment, letting my guard down, etc. I think that unless we figure out how to truly get free in Jesus Christ all the time, then we will always be banging our head against the wall. But how do we do that in 2008? How do we do that in Orange County, CA? How do we do that while paying a mortgage and raising kids and putting food on the table? How do we get truly free? I want it...I want true, true, freedom.

It's Me....

One of the many great thought provoking activities that I got to take part in at camp last week involved a rock. We were to think about the one thing that seems to be getting in the way, distracting us, weighing us down, keeping us from obeying the voice of God. We were all given a rock, and on this rock we were asked to write down the word that describes that distraction or weight.
I wrote..."ME!"
Lord,
Help me to quiet down. My mind is racing lately and I feel anxious and hyper and chaotic. I sense that you are at work, whispering in my ear and a very clear and constant "shhhhhhh!!!!" I know that you are wanting me to slow down, clear my calendar, peel off all unnecessary commitments, focus, chill, quiet down and just be. I struggle with this Lord, you know that, which is probably the reason why you are having me to do it. I keep getting in the way, getting busy, making a mess, creating stress and burdens and yuck. I have trouble just resting in your presence. Help me to slow down, to trust that just "being" is okay and that it is an obedient response to you. Help me to get over myself and my idea that I have to "do" to be worthy. Help me to slow down and be deliberate in my life. Help me to get out of the way so that you can work. Help me to sit still and be quiet long enough to hear your voice. Help me Lord to trust that this is where you want me, quiet, open, still, peaceful, fresh, ready, willing, open. Help me to shed me of "me!"
In Christ's Name,
Amen

A Question, Your Answer...His Voice

Over the last week, I spent 4 days at high school camp as the counselor for 12 junior and senior girls. I had a blast and might have been the happiest camper there! The girls that I lead were amazing, all so fun and silly and adventurous and wonderful. It was great experience for me, allowing me to challenge myself little bit and try new things (I will blog about those things later for sure!) and it gave me some awesome time away to experience God in a whole new way.
One night at our evening meeting, the head pastor of our church challenged all the kids with this question..."if you could do one thing for God and know you couldn't fail, what would it be?" He proceeded to encourage the kids that he was certain that most of the time, the thing that is on our hearts to do for God, could very well be our calling. But what happens? Why don't we do those things? Why do we end up feeling defeated and discouraged and beaten down, feeling that we could never accomplish those things? Because the messages of "the world" are usually that...pretty defeating and discouraging. If I were to answer the question, honestly, it would be that I would rescue all of the victimized children in the world. There is nothing that upsets me more than to know that children are being abused, abandoned, mistreated, uncared for. My heart just can't take it. And honestly, I believe that God is calling me to be active in this cause, starting with rescuing the orphans in South Africa. But even though I am intimately involved in doing this, I still feel overwhelmed and overburdened with the enormity of the job and there are moments when I just want to throw my hands up and forget about it, because there is no way that I can really make a difference. But those are the voice of the world that are getting to me, telling me that it's impossible, ridiculous, idealistic. But with God, I believe that this can be done. Maybe not with just me alone, but I can be a part of the saving movement. And I know that this is the kind of thing that Jesus came to the world to do, to save, and as long as I am serving Him, together we can make a difference. So, the challenge is then to listen more to the voice of God, telling me what I CAN do, than to the voices of the world telling me what I CAN'T do. Now, how do I do that???

My "Un-Call"

I heard the term "Un-Call" used this morning by a woman at my church who was giving her testimony at Bible Study. She talked about how she thought she had a "call" on her life, made all moves in that direction and then at a very important moment God spoke to her and gave her the "Un-Call," telling her that this was actually not what He wanted for her.
I didn't really get it, but I liked the idea.
Well, this evening, I got my very own "Un-Call!"
Mark and I feel that God has called our family to adopt. We feel pretty certain that it will be from South Africa, as He has us so intimately involved with Acres of Love and the AIDS pandemic and the orphaned children there. So, out of obedience I thought that I should just start making steps in the direction of international adoption and see what happened. I talked with lots of people and did a ton of research on Christian agencies and learned that adopting from South Africa is not fully approved for the US right now. (soon though, hopefully) So, I just figured that maybe God wants us to be open to other African countries too, also terribly effected by the AIDS crisis. We went to a meeting tonight with an international agency and learned about the options of adopting from Ethiopia. And there, I got my "Un-Call!" Although my heart is broken for the the children all over the world who are suffering and who need homes, like the one I could give, I feel strongly that God does not want us to adopt to just adopt. And Mark expressed on the way home that he was feeling the same "Un-Call!" We both feel that God has something else planned for us. What? We do not have a clue, but going through an agency like this to adopt from just somewhere isn't it. We are fairly certain that God's plan for our adoption will look very different.
I have to be honest, this is killing me. I can't stand knowing that God wants adoption from me, and then He expects me to just sit and wait. I am not good at waiting! I want to do something, get busy, get "doing." Why the waiting?
Surely, I will look back at this time someday and be thankful to the God who knew I needed this time for Him to work in us and on our family and get things all just right. He's good like that! I have to just trust the call that Mark and I have both separately heard from God and have faith that in His perfect timing, we will hear from him again and know what to do next.

Can I Walk The Walk?

I've been talking a big game lately....all about how God has really transformed me and shown me that I have been called to a life of sacrifice in order to serve the orphaned children in Africa.
So, now, am I REALLY ready to do that? Now that I really "get it" with my head, now that I've shared that this is what I want my life to be about, will I able to live it out, day by day, for real? Am I ready to stop my frivolous spending, not be so preoccupied with the "finer things," with my social status, with the latest and greatest fashion trend or the not so necessary cup of afternoon chai tea from Starbucks or the pedicure or the lunch out with the kids, so that our family can have the money we need to give, to maybe adopt, etc? Am I ready to give up the approval of others that I have always craved and be ready for the possible criticism, eye rolls and outright disapproval of the choices we, as a family, will make in order to follow Christ? Am I ready, prepared, to stand firm in my beliefs and truly live out the life that I am certain God wants me to? Am I convinced that living for the Lord is more important than anything else? Am I sure that I am able to rise above the standards of "this world" and live with my eye on the eternal?
I know one thing for sure, I will not be able to do this, not at all, not even for one day, not in my own strength, not without the help of the holy spirit. Without continually surrendering to God's will and looking at the hurting world through his eyes, I will fall very short of the life that He has planned for me. I will only be able to be effective for him if I am constantly seeking him, submitting to him, humbling myself before him, serving him and begging for his help,
So, it's time to stop talking...and get to walking....

"Coolness on the earth
Actually isn't worth
Anything to the King"
-Rob Biagi

Where Is He Leading Me?

God has clearly brought me to this very place in my life right now:
I am getting stronger in my faith everyday
Mark and I are on the same page to raise our family under the direction and leading of Christ
We agree that He is unarguably present in our lives and we are striving to "Take up our cross and follow Him"
I am fulfilling the calling on my life to work with Acres of Love to rescue and care for AIDS orphans in South Africa
We are working hard to just "get by" financially and feel that God is using this time to reshape our priorities regarding material things, social status, the burden of "stuff" and the freedom that can come from truly recognizing the deep needs of orphans and evaluating where we can make a difference.

As I prepare for my trip to South Africa in September, I get the sense that God is really preparing me for the impact that it is going to have on me. I am fearful of how much it's going to really shake me up and how hard it will be to return to "Orange County living." Since I have become educated on the dire situation in Africa and the immense need of the people, especially children there, I am changed. I can't enjoy my lifestyle the way I used to, I can't enjoy shopping or other meaningless luxuries, I don't taste or feel or experience anything the way that I used to. Everything is different.
I get the feeling that God is getting ready to lead me in a most challenging and uncomfortable direction. I am sensing that I will soon be confronted with my "one big evil" that will really force me to choose between clinging to the life that I thought I always wanted and trusting God's leading to a place of true material sacrifice in order to be in a position to really reach out and save lives. It is freaking me out and I almost wish He would just leave me alone already! :) (not really, of course!) But I feel pretty exhausted and stretched and emotionally drained, I can only imagine what is on the horizon for me.

"I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it
Something on the road cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of and what I know of Love...
I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction
Something on the road cut me to the soul
Your pain has changed me
Your dream inspires
Your face a memory
Your hope a fire...
Your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
Your courage asks me what I am made of...and what I know of Love...and what I know of God"
-Sara Groves

A Prayer for A Student

Heavenly Father,
Thank you for my young student, you know her name. Thank you for calling me to become a leader in the high school ministry at our church and for leading me to these girls. Thank you for the opportunity to serve you in this capacity and for helping me to know you better and be more sure of my faith as I walk along side these young women to help them know you.
You tell us in the book of Matthew "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who ask, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."
Lord, my student is in a season of her life where she is questioning, seeking, knocking. She is looking for you, desiring a real relationship with you, hoping that it will make a difference in her life. Lord, I pray that you will show up, in a huge way, in her life right now. I pray that she will continue to press on and seek to know you and that you will be faithful to meet her where she is. I pray that you will reveal yourself to her, that you will make it so obvious of your presence and your nature and your love that she will just know, without any question, who you are. I pray that she will be able to be vulnerable, real, exposed and that she will let down her guard in order to experience you in a new way. She has a need to "check off the to-do list", thinking that her faith is about doing the right things and being the right kind of Christian. Lord, help her to see and know that you are about grace and that nothing she can DO will earn your favor. Help her to understand that you love her, you desire her, you are already there for her.
Lord, help me to help her in this journey of finding you. Use me to reveal yourself to her. Let my words, be your words and allow me to be there for her as you would need me to. Let this time of studying your word together this summer be an awesome and overwhelming time of discovering you.
In Christ's Name,
Amen

Step Away From The Mall

I have been so good at saving money lately, at being a helpful and supportive wife by significantly cutting back on all spending, at not placing so much importance on stuff and clothes and these shallow means for satisfying that certain longing to feel good. I have chosen to use my time more wisely, just packing picnics and hanging at the park or the beach. I've been staying clear of all Targets and Nordstroms and any type of needless shopping at all that sucks me into that place where I just "have to have it!" I've been working so hard at trying to truly evaluate what "need" is and spend accordingly. Do I really NEED that pedicure? Do I really NEED that candle for the house or that Starbucks coffee? No, those are not needs. The children in Africa understand needs. They NEED parents and food and medicine and education and love. Those are NEEDS!!
I am trying to abandon all those superficial desires in order to strip myself of worldly influence, in order to focus more healthy attention on my family and my faith, in order to lay those addictions at the feet of God's throne and ask for healing from those longings and desires, in order to live out the faith I claim has set me free, in order to demonstrate to my young daughters that they are precious children of God who have been showered with blessing and who can stand firm in the hope that this "stuff" doesn't make a darn bit of difference, but living for God is all they NEED.
It's tough to live at this time and in this place and try to go out to dinner with all your pretty girlfriends without the cutest new outfit and a mani/pedi. That is sad, really, that is sad. But it's the truth and one that I am not proud of struggling with. I must say though that I've done pretty good for the last couple months since I have gotten away from this lifestyle and have felt better, a little more free and much less defined by the world.
But then I went and did the unthinkable....I went to Target on Monday and to the mall today....and now there is a war going on inside me and I want, want, want! It's crazy, like someone unleashed an animal inside me that wants the next best thing and swears that I will feel good, so my life will be better if I just have that top....

More Than "This World" Has To Offer

At the encouragement of 2 staff people at Acres of Love, including the founder, Gerda, I am starting to read "A Chance to Die." (it got the fast pass into my hands even though I have a stack of about 10 Christian and South Africa books I am eager to get into!!) It is the life and legacy of Amy Carmichael, who understood true discipleship and lived it out. She felt the call to the mission field, followed God's guidance and eventually went to India and founded a refuge for orphans. I am only about 50 pages in, but already feel a weird sense of understanding of Amy's heart and faith.
On page 37 I read about how Amy had gone to this Christian convention. At the end of the night the chairman rose for the last prayer..."O Lord, we know Thou art able to keep us from falling." and Amy says that "those words found me. It was as if they were alight. And they shone for me." She sounds like a passionate, romantic....I can relate.
Her biographer writes that after the convention Amy went out for lunch. "The mutton chops they ordered were badly cooked. Mutton chops? thought Amy. What does it matter about Mutton Chops? The Lord is able to keep us from falling! To keep us from falling! This, this at last, was what she had prayed and agonized for...If mutton chops didn't matter anymore, neither did clothes...She was now, in the language of the apostle Paul, "dead to the world." To Amy, the world meant fashion, finery, luxury of any sort. She would follow Him who had no home, no earthly possessions beyond the bare minimum. She would be 'dead to the world and its applause, to all its customs, fashions, laws.' It is the measure of her commitment that she did not hesitate to relinquish all that seemed to her inimical to the true life of discipleship."
Funny, these words seemed alight for me.
I have felt this way since the beginning of my Christian walk. I have felt increasingly "dead to the world" as I have come to know Christ more and more. Before I knew Christ I was "of this world," grading myself based on the standards that others put in place. I was preoccupied with status and wealth and nice things, who strived for the good life and comfortable future, who desired security, who bought into this culture and time.
But once I came to truly know Christ, my priorities and desires changed. Since I have accepted his offer of forgiveness and cleansing and a chance to be "reborn," I see things through His eyes and not my own. Now I feel like I understand what this whole life is really about. It's not about wealth and stuff and getting ahead and worldly success or even about comfort or security. It's about love and freedom and peace. It's about being free in Christ, truly free to accept love and to share love with others. It's not about us, it's about Him. It's about getting over ourselves, getting over our pride and our ego and the idea that we are in charge. It's about surrendering and admitting that we don't have it all figured out, and that we trust that God does and that we want to live for the Creator that is finishing the good work He once started.
Lately I've had the sense that God is really trying to show me that I can claim this freedom in Him, that I don't have to submit to the standards of this world, that He is calling me to a much more meaningful life of truly loving Him and others and making a lasting difference in the lives of orphaned children in Africa. I get the feeling that God wants to me be aware that there is so much more to this life that I will have when I commit to following Him no matter where that takes me, more than I would have if I were to sit still and fearfully cling to the "stuff" and status of this world.
As I navigate through this season that God is taking me through, I pray for wisdom. Being the passionate, romantic, I want to abandon it all! I want to be like Amy Carmichael. Because of her commitment to the Lord she could no longer see enjoyment in Mutton Chops and fashion. I am beginning to have feelings like that too. Since I know of the pain and suffering that goes on in South Africa I am having trouble enjoying food and leisure and any non-necessity anymore. Things just don't look and taste and feel the same to me now. I pray that God will work this all out within me and show me where He needs me and wants me to be. I pray that I will move slowly, not get ahead of myself that I will be still and quiet enough to sense his leading and that I will just get out of the way so that He can do His thing!

Even Through The Flood

My trip to South Africa in September to work with the kids at Acres of Love costs $5000. We do not have that money. So I decided to send out a letter to 140 of my closest friends and family :), explaining my passion for this cause, my commitment to fundraise for the kids, and my desire to travel to South Africa to meet the children, work with them and experience how the organization is run. I asked, if they could, to donate money for my travels.
In the meantime, I was very persistent in prayer, begging God to provide the funds for me to go if that was His plan for me and asking for a clear answer if it wasn't. I had faith that getting to $5000 was possible, seeing as I was certain that God had clearly called me to work with Acres of Love and with Him all things were possible, but there was a private part of me that was terrified that I wasn't going to raise the money, wasn't going to make the trip and was going to be left without the experience of knowing the kids firsthand.
Then, if the money matters in our home weren't tight enough, a few days before a big deposit was due for the trip and my funds were coming up short....I came downstairs in the morning to a flood in our kitchen! So now we are forking over $1000 to our insurance company and I am left wondering "Okay God, what am I supposed to do now?! I am trying to have faith that you will provide for me, but where is the money gonna come from?" I was still certain that going on this trip to South Africa was a step in obedience towards the God that called me there, so I began the process to list things all over my house for sale on Craig's List. I am of the mind set that nothing will keep me from those kids, nothing will keep me from my calling, no personal possession will prevent me from responding to what God wants from my life. I began to see life differently. Suddenly everything had a price tag and a way to get me to South Africa and I felt a shift in my whole outlook on life and material gain and status and the world. Things became crystal clear to me and I started to see where God was leading me and my future with all of Africa and the HIV pandemic and orphans and our obligation to do whatever it takes to step out and be His saving presence to a hurting people. There was a new fire in me and I knew I had to get to South Africa, meet those kids, understand their struggles, and come back to America an educated ambassador to fight for them.
A couple days later I get a call from Acres of Love that someone had made an anonymous donation towards my trip for $1000!! Later that same day I got word that another anonymous donation had been made in the amount of $1500!!!
God is so good, so faithful, so capable, so very real and alive and present and working. I am blown away by the way that He showed up in this situation and shouted out to me that He is faithful to provide and He is blessing my efforts with Acres and He is present with all my life's drama and He is working through me and the lives of His people to accomplish His purpose. You cannot tell me that getting $2500 in anonymous donations right after this flood is not God! I am still in awe and disbelief and shaking my head and giggling, And my heart is singing that God has confirmed that I am where he wants me. I am going to South Africa!!

A Messy Prayer

Heavenly Father,
I feel so anxious this afternoon, I can't quiet my thoughts. My family is all resting throughout the house and for some reason I cannot calm down. My heart is pounding so hard in my chest and there is an aching in my throat because I am trying to hold my tears in. I feel confused and messy and chaotic. But in some weird way I feel a certainty and a peace about some very new and difficult truths that I have gotten from you as I prayed while trying to nap.
I was lying next to my sweet Katelyn, rubbing her back while she fell sleep and praying for her. Thank you for those moments, they are some of my favorites. I always start out praying for those big things like her safety and health and her happiness and then I always come back to that realization that all I really want for my children is that they truly know you, passionately commit their lives to you, follow you and desire you, and fulfill your will for their lives. I want nothing more than that for them. I know that if they are in your hands there is no better way. You tell us in Jeremiah 29 "For I know the plans I have for you, they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me whole heartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you." Those are such encouraging and hopeful words and they assure me in such a real way. I want my girls with you, however that looks and turns out. I just know that if my girls are faithful about knowing you that they will live a life of purpose and meaning and peace and hope. No matter what happens along they way in their life, I want them with you.
As I was praying those things to you today you hit me hard with a new thought.....that is what you want for me too. You want me with you. You want me to follow you. You want me to respond to your call on my life and trust that you have it all under control. You want me to believe, really believe that you have good and hopeful plans for my future. That if I trust in you and follow you, you will lead me on a journey that will far surpass any dream I could have for myself. You want me to have have obedience and faith and act accordingly, knowing that you are there and I am in good hands. Lord, I want to believe that, help me.
I cannot escape from the idea that you are turning my life upside down and inside out!! I get the sense that with every step I make to follow you and be obedient to your call, you are leading me down a path of some really big stuff. I am scared to death. I just know that you are preparing me for some major life changes and I feel myself tensing up and clinging on. It's so weird because there is a very big part of me that wants to give myself completely over to you, and just be an open and obedient and faithful servant. But then I get freaked out because I am afraid of what that all means.
I feel a very deep desire to serve the orphaned children in Africa. A very deep desire that I cannot turn off or get away from. It is something that is on my mind all the time and everything I do and think seems to come back to it. It effects how I spend my money and how I enjoy my free time and how I pray and how I have com to understand my faith and your word and the whole meaning of life. I just feel like it is something that I am obligated to do, to give of my time and my talents and my heart and my possessions so that I can serve those children that otherwise would have nothing. It seems so clear to me that every Christian and believer should be doing something drastic in their lives in order to truly reach out to the needy. If we aren't doing that, then what does our faith mean? What is it for? Why even claim to believe in God? It's not some religious, spiritual, fluffy, feel good journey that we are on here. We are here for something more, something much bigger.
And the thing is, I know this, I just know it. And I know for sure that you are asking me to really dig in and do something and sacrifice and serve. And that all sounds really good and romantic for a few minutes until I start to consider what that really means for my life. That means that I need to really, really change how I view my needs and my comfort and my time and entertainment, etc. That means I really need to figure out how I'm going to help you change this world. And that's where I freeze up and try to tune you out.
Of course, it's no coincidence that I keep turning to these books like "Red Letters." And practically the whole book is filled with my yellow high lighter! Today I was reading about the rich young ruler who asked Jesus how he could inherit eternal life. Jesus tells him to go sell everything he has and give it to the poor. Then to follow him. "Jesus told the man what his heart was searching for, but the man just wasn't ready to receive it. He wasn't ready to live for something bigger than himself. I often wonder what this man's life would have looked like if he had accepted Jesus' invitation. "Follow me, " Jesus had offered. What an invitation. This man could have walked the earth alongside the Creator of the universe. He could have witnessed miracles. And he could have learned what it meant to follow God from God himself. Instead, he just turned and walked away, a victim of his own selfishness, of his inability to live a truly big life, not as calculated by dollars and cents, but as calculated by the incalculable impact he could have had on the lives of others."
I can't help but shake my head as I write that quote. I feel like you are literally in front of me, inviting me to follow you and make a difference in the lives of hurting and desperate children in Africa. Why you chose me for this particular cause, I don't know. But I just know you're inviting me. And in my mortal and sinful and prideful body I look right at you and say..."I'm not sure!"
Lord, forgive me for knowing the right thing to do and not doing it. Forgive me for being scared and selfish and afraid and for not trusting you with my life the way I say that I want to. Lord, help me.
In Jesus Name I Pray,
Amen

Your List and Final Judgement

In Tom Davis's book, Red Letters, he poses a question, "Make a mental list of the top 5 things that matter most to you...Let me see if I can guess...Family? Friends? Your relationship with God? Safety? Security?...These are all good things...But here's the million dollar question...Do our lists match God's?...I wonder if the 5,500 Africans dying every day from preventable diseases are at the top of his list?...Surely they are...Jesus is interested in what we are doing with our compassion and acts of mercy. He doesn't care about how religious we appear. If our Christian faith doesn't manifest into something that helps the life of another human being, it doesn't mean squat to him."
In the Bible Jesus tells a story about the Final Judgement....."Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Matthew 25:34-40

THIS Day

I get up early every day, 5am early, and put on my running shoes and head out the door. I love this time. I love being up and out and moving before my family is up, before most of San Clemente is up, before the sun is up. As I run and listen to my Ipod, filled with some awesome Christian music, I pray for my day, for my family's day, for all things on my heart, whether they be praises, requests or pleads. I start every morning prayer with this verse from Psalm 118:24..."This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it."
I love starting my day with this frame of mind. The word "THIS" means so much to me and really puts my priorities in order. THIS is the day, just today, just THIS day that the Lord has made for me. Life is busy and hectic and chaotic and there are so many things to do and worry about and stress over. But If I just remember that I am so grateful to just have today, just this one day to be alive and share myself with my husband and my kids and my family and friends, then life seems a little more manageable. Then I can try to just focus on what I want to do with just this one day, who I want to be, how I want to speak and act and spend my time. I start to see more clearly how purposeful I can be in this one day and decide more deliberately how I will treat others and give of myself. I begin to feel overwhelming thanks and gratitude to the God who has allowed me to be here today. I begin to feel fortunate and lucky and blessed. I begin to be appreciative of the people in my life and the gifts and talents that I possess that I can share. I find myself rejoicing, celebrating my life and thanking God for the awesome opportunity to serve Him, to be his partner in making a difference in the lives of my kids, my neighbors, the world.
What if I only had THIS day? What if I just have this one? How do I know as I pray in the morning that it wont be the last time I start a day this way? And if it is the last day that the Lord will have me here, then what will I do with it? How will I use it? What difference will I make? What message will I send to my kids? What example will I set for them? What lasting impression will I make on the people around me? What impact will I leave on this world? Will it be a better place because I was here? Will people know by the way I spend this one day that I love the Lord, that I want nothing more than to serve Him? Will my friends and neighbors really, really, really know me? Will they know that I am filled with a deep desire to follow Christ and help him to redeem this world? Will they be surprised to hear others talk about my faith after I am gone? Or will they already have known about the change in me?
I pray that I am a genuine, authentic, transparent woman and disciple of Christ and that on THIS day I make Him proud.

What Have We Become?

"Even though we possess most of the waelth in the world, there are many who aren't doing anything to help the world's poor. I'm not talking about giving financially when we don't have money to give. I'm talking about giving out of our abuudance. Let's put this in perspective...the four dollars I spend on a grande mocha with extra whip is enough to pay for the malaria medicine a child would need to stay alive in a third-world country...Why don't we act? Why don't we choose to make a difference? One reason is because we're afraid. We spend most of our time trying to protect what we have, fearing what would happen if that went away. When we do this, we become shackled to our possessions. In essence, we limit our range of motion. We can't reach far enough to offer compassion because our arms are too busy holding all that we own...Building walls around our possessions and our lives leads to selfishness and hardened hearts. When we live with a "never enough" mentality, life is so overhwlming we couldn't possibly help someone else."
-Red Letters by Tom Davis

I Love You Mom

Mom,
I love you. You are such a good mom. There are so many qualities that you possess as a mother that I hope my girls will see in me.
You are so devoted and committed to our family. There has never been a moment when I didn't feel right in the middle of your lavish love. You have always made our family a top priority and we have always known and felt your love and loyalty. That was always so important to me growing up, just knowing that I mattered and that I was valued and important. That sense of security and praise that you showed me helped me to become a confident and comfortable woman, one who trusts and easily accepts love and is able to give love.
You were always honest and open and genuine. One of the things that Nick and I always enjoyed most about our family is that everything, EVERYTHING is up for discussion. Our home was always one where we felt we could ask and discuss, challenge and inquire and nothing felt that it was off limits. The dinner table always turned into a place where we talked openly about our days, about the issues we were dealing with, got good advice and felt that we were known and heard and understood. You always made us feel that home was a place we could really be ourselves and that you were the place we could come to with our problems. Your willingness to talk to us about things made me always feel safe and I only hope that I can be that inviting and brave and real with my daughters.
You are so thoughtful and giving. You always went out of your way to make us and others feel special. You are generous with your money and your time. Being that type of person to those in our family and even those not, showed me how to care for others, how to express my love, how to give of myself.
And you are compassion and emotion and big heart made Nick and I into the people that we are. I know that some of our ways are hard for you, like Nick's Peace Corps experience and my trip to South Africa...but you raised us into people that care, that really dig deep, that are moved to action, that are not okay with complacency. Being raised under your blanket of love and example taught us that it was okay to be ourselves and that is exactly what we are. Thank you mom!!
Kim

My Other Family...The Bridges Forever Home

The goal for "Mommies In America" is to raise $40,000 this year to cover the basic needs and healthcare costs for the 8 children that live in the Bridges Forever Home. What an honor is would be to be able to provide for them in this way, knowing where they come from, the tragedy and loss they have faced and the amazing grace that God has shown them by rescuing them and placing them in the warm embrace at Acres of Love.

I Can't Wait...

...to meet these two girls on my trip to South Africa. They live together in the Bridges Forever Home and have been a huge focus of my commitment to Acres of Love. I can't believe that within months I will be hugging them, playing with them, getting to know them and filling up on their inspiration.
The 10 year old girl on the left arrived at Acres of Love with stage 4 AIDS, blood cancer and little hope of survival. To date, she is the only known survivor of both AIDS and cancer throughout the world! Through the love and care of Acres of Love and the will of God, she is victoriously battling for her life. She is excelling in school and refusing to let anything keep her from her full potential.
The 9 year old girl on the right was brought to Acres of Love at the age of 5 and has both HIV and HPV because of the severe abuse that she suffered after her parents died from AIDS. Over the last 2 years, this brave little girl has undergone multiple surgeries to have the warts caused by HPV removed, a process that brings incredible pain and very slow healing. My fundraising group "Mommies in America" recently raised $25,000 to cover the cost of her extensive medical needs. She is surrounded by a medical team of some of the world's top physicians and is expected to soon be well enough to play, learn and grow as any other precious 9 year old girl.
I have personally committed to raise $2000 over the next year to cover the cost for education for both of these girls. And "Mommies in America" has set a goal of raising $40,000 to cover all basic needs (food, clothing, toiletry items) and healthcare (ARV medication, vitamins, pathology and homeopathic meds) costs for all of the 8 kids that live in the Bridges Forever Home.

Why I want to go to South Africa...

"I Saw What I Saw and I Can't Forget It"

Sara Groves, "I Saw What I Saw"

I Have To Obey

I have so much in my heart right now it feels like it just might explode! I am literally shaking as I try to put all my thoughts and feelings into words that make some sense.
I am embarking on an opportunity to travel to South Africa in a few months to work with an organization, Acres of Love, that rescues and cares for orphans whose parents have died from AIDS. Becoming involved with Acres of Love has changed the very course of my life, welcoming me into a place and a role where I truly feel like my purpose in life is being defined and perfected. When I am doing the work of helping this organization to help those suffering children I feel more alive than I've ever felt.
My whole life I have been dealing with a fire inside of me, a passion, a deep yearning, a longing to fulfill the desire of my heart that wants to make a lasting difference in this hurting world. I have tried repeatedly to find the right place and organization and cause to really dig in and do this, but those efforts have never been truly soul satisfying or fruitful. But now that I have found and worked with Acres of Love, my soul is singing and I know, that I know, that I know that this is where I am supposed to be.
Since I became a Christian a couple years ago, I have prayed and prayed for God to transform me and to use my life, my hands and feet, my resources, my talents and gifts and to make it clear to me what He wants me to do to help Him in redeeming this hurting world.
Well, that transformation that I pray and pray for is taking place in my heart and my family and my whole life everyday. Since getting to know Jesus, studying the Bible daily, committing my life to be His follower, making my relationship with him a priority and learning to submit to His will in my life, He has been faithful in doing the work inside of me and I am becoming transformed at light speed. The changes that have taken place in me and in my life are not because of anything that I did, rather they are because of the work that God has been faithful to do. Like author Tom Davis said, "Transformation DID occur when I would hear the words of Jesus and obeyed them. The more I obeyed, the more I was transformed."
James 1:27 says that "Pure religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for the orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you." I am certain that God is calling me, loud and clear, to work with Acres of Love, to be an ambassador for these innocent and victimized children and to truly live out the words of James in this verse. I am certain of it. And I am confident that making the trip to South Africa is part of His plan for me. I believe that my effectiveness as a leader for this organization will come from my direct experience of meeting these children, seeing the country they come from, holding them, playing with them, getting to know them and seeing with my own eyes the difference that I can make by reaching out to them and sharing God's love with them. I want to be right in the middle of the place that God wants me. I want to fulfill His great plans for my life. I want to do what my Father wants from me. I want to be obedient to His call and then trust that He will bless my efforts for my faithfulness. I believe that if I am about God's business that He will protect me, bless me, and take care of every last detail with this journey. I know that if I pass up this opportunity because I am fearful or nervous or because I am trying to please other people, that I will be saying "NO!" to God who is asking for my trust and faith and obedience. God created me, He loves and adores me, He knows and wants what is best for me and He is calling me to be his hands and feet and arms in South Africa to those children and I have to go!
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11-13

An Exception To My Rule

When I get into theological debates with friends and family about why I believe in God, an argument that comes up often from my "unbelieving" loved ones is "...But Christians are such hypocrites. The say they believe in God and they act all high and mighty and then they gossip, cheat, treat others unkindly, etc. I don't want to be a part of that. Christianity doesn't really seem to work or make a difference."
To that argument I always want to say something like "Don't judge God by His followers. You are selling yourself incredibly short if you are making a decision to not believe in God because people you know that believe in Him aren't perfect. In fact, Christians, by proclaiming their need for God are actually admitting their "unperfectness" and asking God to help them in their sinful lives. Church is not a place that you go because you are better than other people or "more holy" than others, or you have it all together. Churches are like hospitals, a place where you can go because you are sick and broken and hurting and flawed and you know you need a savior to make you better."
But, this week I find myself wanting to point my "unbelieving" loved ones in the direction of San Clemente Presbyterian Church and shout "Go there and judge God by His followers!!!"
My father-in-law has been in and out of the hospital for over a week, struggling with all sorts of medical issues. As I sit and write he is in the ICU. Our family is very concerned, worried, stressed. Yesterday morning he was in really bad shape. I sent out an email to my Christian neighbors and some friends from our church to pray for him and the family. (and by the way, my husband and I are the only one's that attend this particular church, my in laws do not) The response I have received is almost too much to accept. People are praying, offering to watch the kids, offering to cook meals, offering to run errands, offering to go to the hospital and pray with my father-in-law, offering scriptures to rely on, offering anything that we could possibly need. This community of people that I have found myself belonging to (no mistake by God I am sure of that!) is exactly what Christianity should look like. It's loving, faithful, self sacrificing, rooted in the truths of the Bible, unwavering in their life commitment to Christ, and overwhelmingly real and genuine and authentic. This church has been lead by it's pastoral staff to become a body of people who truly become the presence of God himself just when you need it. I am more certain of my belief in God today because of this scary circumstance I find myself in and because of the actions of His believers. I wish the whole world could experience God and believe in Him because of His followers at my church!

Believe....Act

"To believe something is to ACT as if it were true."

I can't get this quote out of my mind. I can't escape it or get rid of it. My pastor used it a long while ago in a sermon and it's still haunting me. I'm convinced that the holy spirit is trying to tell me that I need to really get this one.
It's pretty interesting, this quote, because for a long time I've kind of been thinking along those lines, and this quote just sort of wraps it up for me and puts a pretty little bow on it. I've struggled with this concept for some time now and I am excited to really look at it, study it and see what I can learn from it.
Here's what I'm thinking so far...if we REALLY believe in God, REALLY believe in Jesus Christ, REALLY believe that he came as the Messiah to save the world, REALLY believe that he was crucified for us, died for us and conquered death by rising again, REALLY believe that by believing in him and following him that we are forgiven for our sins and live in freedom, REALLY believe that we have eternal life and are truly, truly, truly saved and free to just love and serve our neighbor in the name of Christ.....then we should be ACTING like we BELIEVE it. If we REALLY, REALLY, deep down REALLY believe all of these things as the ultimate and sure, bottom line truth, then we should be changed, different, alive, energized, living freely, loving abundantly, sharing all of our possessions and time and talents, happy, joyful, peaceful, sure of our salvation and eager to share this new found freedom with anyone and everyone, especially those we love.
If we REALLY believe that we are saved, that we are ourselves going to conquer death and live eternally with Christ, then why are we anxious, stressed, grumpy, lazy, clinging to material things and social status, worried about what others think, afraid to just be ourselves and accept who we are in God's eyes, why aren't we constantly singing and dancing and rejoicing in our freedom, why aren't we helping each other more, out saving the world and trying to convince everyone to turn to Christ so that they too can live eternally?
If we REALLY believe in God, why aren't we ACTING like it?

An Answer to Anxiety

I went to an awesome conference this past weekend with some neighbor gals in San Diego. We had the honor of hearing Beth Moore speak. She is so great, so real and funny and brilliant. I learned so many good things, but one little nugget if wisdom is really sticking with me...
The anxiety we experience is caused by our trying to control a situation that is entirely out of our control. We try to play "Jr God" and control situations, people, etc.
For instance, I get anxious about flying somewhere without my kids. I get all nervous and worried that something might happen to me while I am on the plane. My heart rate goes up, I get stressed and uptight, etc. Does the anxiousness do anything, solve anything, make anything better or safer or less dangerous? No. I get all worked up about something that I have no control over. Who is in control? God. If we can learn to surrender, give up that "feeling" that we can control things, and just have faith that God has got it all covered, how peaceful and freeing that would be.

A Real Life Lesson

I had to do something terrible today....I had to teach my young daughters about the "real world."
I have become friends with a homeless woman, Pamela, who spends most of her time down by the pier in San Clemente. I have been meeting her down there once or twice a week, bringing her food, money, a bus pass, lists of resources for shelter and health care and found her some good mental health services, I brought her a good Christian book and today I took her an art notebook and some colored pencils because she loves to draw. I am trying to do what I can to help meet some of her needs, and mostly just trying to be her friend, praying for and just caring about her.
I dropped my girls off at a friends house today so I could go spend some time with Pamela at the beach. After I picked my girls up they began asking all sorts of questions about her in the car on the way home. My conversation with my 4 1/2 year old daughter went something like this:
Katelyn: Where does Pamela live?
Me: She lives on the streets honey, she doesn't have a home.
K: Why doesn't she have a home?
M: Well, her brain is sick honey and so it's hard for her to work, and so she doesn't have any money to pay for a home.
K: She can come live with us!
M: That's so sweet, but it wouldn't be safe for us to have her live with us because she is sick and sometimes she gets really grumpy and can be kinda mean.
K: Where does she keep all her clothes?
M: She only has one outfit, so just wears it all the time..
K: Doesn't she have any pj's?
M: No.
K: We should get her some pj's!
M: That would be nice, but she doesn't have anywhere to keep that kind of stuff.
K: We could get her some drawers.
M: But honey, she doesn't have a house to keep the drawers in.
K: We should make her a house. We could ask some of those guys that make houses to make her one.
M: Houses cost a lot of money to make honey, and we don't have the money to make her one.
K: What should we do?
M: Well, we should continue to be her friend and help her as much as we can and pray for her safety and health.
K: Okay, we'll pray for her everyday!

Grace And Truth With Goldfish Crackers

I am in the process of reading a great, great, great book called "Raising Great Kids" by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. It is a comprehensive guide to parenting with Grace and Truth. The book is filled with my highlighter marks and I am finding that I am transforming as a mom from the inside out, even as I read.
The basis of the book is that "character growth is the main goal of child rearing...We view character as the structures and abilities within ourselves that make up how we operate in life. In other words, character is the sum of our abilities to deal with life as God designed us to." (pg.29)..."you can give a child all the "advantages"-security, good schools, churches, and camps-but if they don't develop character, they can quickly lose the advantage of the advantages." (pg. 30)
The Dr's have convinced me that raising a child with character requires the integration of Grace and Truth. "Grace, in the Bible's terms, means "favor." Grace-filled people are kind toward others; they are "for" a person and not against him...true grace is not earned; it is given freely out of love...Truth is the state of being reliable and trustworthy. It is ultimate reality, the timeless realities God wove into his creation. If we live in truth, we do what is right (pg 40)...Parents must at the same time love their child and provide limits and structure. They must be loving and firm. They must be kind, but require the child to do his part. They must be compassionate and forgiving, but require the child to change and be responsible. Soft on the person, hard on the issue...Grace lets a child know she is loved. Truth guides her on that to do and become." (pg. 42)
This afternoon I tested out grace and truth with Taylor. We were getting out of the car at home and after I unbuckled her seat belt she quickly snatched a carton of Goldfish crackers, looked me dead in the eye and dumped the entire box on the floor of the back seat, devilishly giggling as she did so. (this type of food spilling destruction is so one of her favorite activities....what's up with that?....little stinker!) My instinct is to grab her stearnly, yank her out of the car while raising my voice at her and then just leave the mess that I would eventually clean up later. But my "grace and truth" strategy went like this.....deep breathe, quick prayer "Lord give me patience with this precious child!", I quietly and calmly got my other daughter out of the car, got my purse and other belongings out of the way, picked up Taylor and asked her to look at my face, I said "Taylor, it isn't nice to spill your food all over. It makes a big mess and you are wasting all of that food on the floor. Now, here is the box, please pick up all of the crackers." Once she got started on her own I helped her along by holding the box open for her so it was easier to get them in. When she was finally done I told her again that it wasn't nice to waste the food and make a big mess. In her sweet little voice she sincerely said "I'm sorry Mommy for dumping the Goldfish." To which I snuggled her tight, thanked her for doig such a good job cleaning up and told her I forgave her and loved her.
I have learned from this book that grace and truth must always go together. "A child needs to know that you are on his side, and that is grace. He needs to know that you will give him reality, and that is truth." (pg. 64)

My Easter Lesson

Our Easter morning was going great and I was real pleased that all of my preparation to make it special was paying off. The girls loved waking up to the jelly bean trail, and their easter baskets and the egg hunt, etc. Then it started to get later and we needed to get busy. We had to eat breakfast, shower, get the girls ready and out the door for church before meeting the rest of the family for brunch. I started to get really aggravated and annoyed with Mark, nagging at him for not doing exactly what I wanted him to be doing to help me out. All huffy, I stomped up the stairs and yelled down at him that I was getting in the shower.
As I showered, I prayed. (a regular ritual for me) I was able to calm down a little and remember how special this holiday was. I began to see that I was getting all wrapped up in the hype and the chaos and was missing the celebration. I asked God to help me see and appreciate the true joy of this day in our faith. I asked God to meet me right here in my life and show what He wanted me to know and learn and experience.
Minutes later I was back to the reality of the busy morning and feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated as I ran frantically from room to room trying to get everything ready for everyone. I started this conversation with myself, "And what about me? Huh? What is anyone doing for me? I do and do and do for everyone around here to make everything perfect and special and no one ever thinks about how much I put into it. Nobody has any idea how much time and thought and energy I put into this kind of stuff. There was the brunch reservations and the easter basket shopping and the egg decorating and getting up in the middle of the night to hide the silly eggs and the..."
And then right there in the middle my sad and pathetic and self-righteous pity party the Holy Spirit met me. And He answered my morning prayer by teaching me with this verse that rang loudly in my head..."For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and give his life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28
I wonder what it must have felt like for Jesus, who came to this earth to do and do and do for everyone else, only to be treated and crucified like a criminal. But He was so amazing because He came, fully God, not to be served like a King, but to serve and even give his life for us.
God, help me to remember how you came to serve and help me to serve you and others with a more humble and happy heart.