A Messy Prayer

Heavenly Father,
I feel so anxious this afternoon, I can't quiet my thoughts. My family is all resting throughout the house and for some reason I cannot calm down. My heart is pounding so hard in my chest and there is an aching in my throat because I am trying to hold my tears in. I feel confused and messy and chaotic. But in some weird way I feel a certainty and a peace about some very new and difficult truths that I have gotten from you as I prayed while trying to nap.
I was lying next to my sweet Katelyn, rubbing her back while she fell sleep and praying for her. Thank you for those moments, they are some of my favorites. I always start out praying for those big things like her safety and health and her happiness and then I always come back to that realization that all I really want for my children is that they truly know you, passionately commit their lives to you, follow you and desire you, and fulfill your will for their lives. I want nothing more than that for them. I know that if they are in your hands there is no better way. You tell us in Jeremiah 29 "For I know the plans I have for you, they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me whole heartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you." Those are such encouraging and hopeful words and they assure me in such a real way. I want my girls with you, however that looks and turns out. I just know that if my girls are faithful about knowing you that they will live a life of purpose and meaning and peace and hope. No matter what happens along they way in their life, I want them with you.
As I was praying those things to you today you hit me hard with a new thought.....that is what you want for me too. You want me with you. You want me to follow you. You want me to respond to your call on my life and trust that you have it all under control. You want me to believe, really believe that you have good and hopeful plans for my future. That if I trust in you and follow you, you will lead me on a journey that will far surpass any dream I could have for myself. You want me to have have obedience and faith and act accordingly, knowing that you are there and I am in good hands. Lord, I want to believe that, help me.
I cannot escape from the idea that you are turning my life upside down and inside out!! I get the sense that with every step I make to follow you and be obedient to your call, you are leading me down a path of some really big stuff. I am scared to death. I just know that you are preparing me for some major life changes and I feel myself tensing up and clinging on. It's so weird because there is a very big part of me that wants to give myself completely over to you, and just be an open and obedient and faithful servant. But then I get freaked out because I am afraid of what that all means.
I feel a very deep desire to serve the orphaned children in Africa. A very deep desire that I cannot turn off or get away from. It is something that is on my mind all the time and everything I do and think seems to come back to it. It effects how I spend my money and how I enjoy my free time and how I pray and how I have com to understand my faith and your word and the whole meaning of life. I just feel like it is something that I am obligated to do, to give of my time and my talents and my heart and my possessions so that I can serve those children that otherwise would have nothing. It seems so clear to me that every Christian and believer should be doing something drastic in their lives in order to truly reach out to the needy. If we aren't doing that, then what does our faith mean? What is it for? Why even claim to believe in God? It's not some religious, spiritual, fluffy, feel good journey that we are on here. We are here for something more, something much bigger.
And the thing is, I know this, I just know it. And I know for sure that you are asking me to really dig in and do something and sacrifice and serve. And that all sounds really good and romantic for a few minutes until I start to consider what that really means for my life. That means that I need to really, really change how I view my needs and my comfort and my time and entertainment, etc. That means I really need to figure out how I'm going to help you change this world. And that's where I freeze up and try to tune you out.
Of course, it's no coincidence that I keep turning to these books like "Red Letters." And practically the whole book is filled with my yellow high lighter! Today I was reading about the rich young ruler who asked Jesus how he could inherit eternal life. Jesus tells him to go sell everything he has and give it to the poor. Then to follow him. "Jesus told the man what his heart was searching for, but the man just wasn't ready to receive it. He wasn't ready to live for something bigger than himself. I often wonder what this man's life would have looked like if he had accepted Jesus' invitation. "Follow me, " Jesus had offered. What an invitation. This man could have walked the earth alongside the Creator of the universe. He could have witnessed miracles. And he could have learned what it meant to follow God from God himself. Instead, he just turned and walked away, a victim of his own selfishness, of his inability to live a truly big life, not as calculated by dollars and cents, but as calculated by the incalculable impact he could have had on the lives of others."
I can't help but shake my head as I write that quote. I feel like you are literally in front of me, inviting me to follow you and make a difference in the lives of hurting and desperate children in Africa. Why you chose me for this particular cause, I don't know. But I just know you're inviting me. And in my mortal and sinful and prideful body I look right at you and say..."I'm not sure!"
Lord, forgive me for knowing the right thing to do and not doing it. Forgive me for being scared and selfish and afraid and for not trusting you with my life the way I say that I want to. Lord, help me.
In Jesus Name I Pray,
Amen